The Psychological Reason You Get Defensive (Hint: It's Not A Character Flaw)

Recently, I met with a couple for whom even the simplest request from one partner—for example, "Would you be sure to park your car under the oak tree?"—was interpreted as an insult or attack by Sam, the other partner.

"Don’t you think I would have thought of that on my own?" he would say.

If you know (or are in a relationship with) a defensive person, it can be extremely frustrating. You know you aren't doing anything wrong, and yet you can't communicate with this person without fear of triggering an aggressive reaction. It's exhausting. In a healthy relationship, neither party should feel like they have to walk on eggshells to "keep the peace."

You might wonder why you can't just "get over it." Your partner might think you're just refusing to do the work. It might appear to be a fatal character flaw, a personality disorder, or willful oppositional behavior, but in most cases, it is none of those things. It is an unconscious and automatic response to perceived danger, whether or not it makes sense to others.

Why do some people have this defensive emotional response while others don't?

On the other hand, there are people who are distressed by just a photograph of a snake and others who can't even bear the thought of one. Each of these three groups has a different set-point for the fear of snakes.

"Defensive reactivity" refers to the sensitivity or responsiveness of the brain’s defense system, especially the amygdala (our emergency response center). Situations that we have learned are threatening (or that we perceive as threatening) trigger that danger center before we're even aware of it—it's instinctual, not intentional—and our reaction is instant. A perceived threat increases cortisol levels, notifying the body of danger; the heart and metabolic rates go up, and the individual becomes more alert.

Once you can recognize the signs of becoming defensive, learn to do something to change it, such as deep breathing or a simple stretch. Acknowledging what is happening ("I’m becoming defensive, and I want to take a moment to calm myself so I can hear what you are saying") provides time and space—and often, compassion—for you and the other person.

Often, the people who have the hardest time acknowledging their part in situations carry around the harshest inner critic. But to love ourselves doesn’t mean that we’re above criticism. It means that we hold a deep conviction of our own worthiness and our right to be treated with care and respect. If you are a person who is overly defensive, don’t make it something to criticize yourself for. Reframe it as your human struggle, which we each have, and one that you can change.