How To Have Ethical Gossip (And Why It's Essential To A Healthy Workplace)

Gossip has a terrible reputation. In many listicles (articles made of lists) on how to run a successful business, shutting down workplace gossip is highlighted in bold, italicized, and followed by three or four exclamation points.

Frustratingly, this idea could not be more wrong. Gossip is absolutely necessary in every social group, and the quality and quantity of each group's gossip can tell you everything about the social and emotional health of that group. If the gossip is toxic, it's a commentary on the toxicity of the social structure and the failure of the group's emotional skills, relationship skills, repair stations, and more—it's not the fault of gossip!

Gossip can tell you deep truths about a social structure, and shutting down gossip is not only an absurd and emotionally ignorant idea, it's impossible.

First, this gossip practice should be optional for everyone. Most people have been shamed about gossiping or hurt by unethical gossip, so it's OK if people don't feel able to access this process. Everyone needs to have the freedom to abstain.

It's also important for people to feel safe and to choose people they trust as their partners; this cannot be an enforced practice. What you're looking for in an EEG partner is someone you trust and admire who can keep your confidences and who you think may have new and useful information for you.

Take care if you're in a hierarchical workplace, and be mindful about people who are in nondominant or marginalized groups; the ability to speak freely and tell the truth isn't equally shared in hierarchical or emotionally unregulated social structures.

In fact, the freedom to speak the truth can be an unconscious form of privilege for insiders and people in the dominant majority. This gossip practice, which can be so freeing for equals who trust each other, could be dangerously exposing when equality and trust are not present in your workplace. Be aware of the power of gossip and EEG, and choose your partners with care.

Your job is to find out as much as you can about the situation because you need to see the big picture. Let your gossiper talk and try not to give any advice until you've heard the entire story. A very good question to ask before you give advice is "What have you tried?" You can save a lot of time and refine your input if you don't just start throwing out ideas based on what you would have done (this isn't about you). Let your partner talk, and let the genius of their jealousy and envy paint you a picture of the entire situation.

Remember that jealousy and envy, when they're allowed to bring their gifts and skills forward, are not focused on me, me, me. The particular genius of these two emotions is focused on fairness, equity, relatedness, and loyalty in relationships and social structures.

When people fall into toxic gossip, they're nearly always reacting to the loss of these things and to inequality in their important relationships. Asking about the needs of everyone in the situation leans into jealousy and envy's skill set; both emotions keep their eye on balance and fairness in the social structure as a whole.

What's amazing in this practice is that when gossip is made conscious, you can clearly see what a stupendous information-gathering tool it is. When people are given the freedom to share all of the intricate social information their jealousy and envy have gathered, they can access the deep, socially aware, and emotionally rich undercurrents that exist in gossip and in gossip networks.

Gossip helps us connect with others, understand human behavior, recognize or change our social position, and support (or modify) rules and set them for others. Gossip also relieves tension—because it allows us to share the private information we've learned about others but are not allowed to mention in public. Gossip is a very powerful thing!