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Criticism Not Landing The Way You Want It To? Here's How To Be More Persuasive

Author:

Sarah Regan

July 14, 2023

mbg Spirituality & Relationships Editor

By Sarah Regan

mbg Spirituality & Relationships Editor

Sarah Regan is a Spirituality & Relationships Editor, and a registered yoga instructor. She received her bachelor's in broadcasting and mass communication from SUNY Oswego, and lives in Buffalo, New York.

Woman being gaslit by partner zones out contemplatively

Image by Ibai Acevedo / Stocksy

July 14, 2023

It's no secret that if you're openly criticizing someone, they're probably going to get a bit defensive and won't be likely to listen to what you're saying. It's a natural defense mechanism, but where does that leave your criticism when it's valid?

According to new research published in the Journal of Business Ethics1, there is a trick to help your criticism land more effectively, in a way that's persuasive instead of offensive. Heres's what they found.

Studying when criticism is effective versus harmful

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This research was largely inspired by the problem of opposing groups and their criticisms of each other (i.e. different ends of the political spectrum, different religions, etc.), and namely, how these groups can get through to each other more effectively.

As the study's lead author, Lauren Howe Ph.D., explains in a news release, criticism often doesn't land because it implies that the group on the receiving end of the criticism is wrong, corrupt, or harmful. “What messengers may not realize is that when a person accuses a group of harm like this, right away, members of the group may believe that the messenger views their group as immoral and does not care about their outcomes,” she explains.

But in her study of over 1,400 participants, Howe discovered that when criticism is delivered with concern for the criticized group as well, they're more likely to listen.

For instance, one of the experiments of the study involved participants looking at posters that advocated to stop prejudice against a group the participants disagreed with (i.e. Christians vs. atheists, or Liberals vs. Conservatives). When the poster conveyed concern for the criticized group as well as the other group, participants agreed 8.6% more strongly that the opposite group was facing unfair prejudices.

“We find in our research that when messages include dual concern—by expressing concern for the group that is criticized while still accusing the group of causing harm—it reduces this problematic inference, and thus dual concern messages are more effective at encouraging members of a group to agree with the criticism of their own group," Howe explains.

How to criticize with care

While this research was specific to larger groups like political parties, it can definitely be applied to interpersonal relationships as well. As licensed marriage and family therapist, Linda Carroll, M.S., LMFT previously wrote for mindbodygreen, defensiveness is normal but can be overcome in relationships.

Here are her top three tips for broaching a potentially disruptive conversation in a way that can help mitigate defensiveness:

Talk about issues in a non-blaming way when you're not upset. For example, most criticisms disguise a desire, so try to speak about what you want rather than what's wrong. You might say, "I miss hearing about your day," not "You never tell me what's going on with you anymore."
When you're not in the middle of an argument, ask your partner how they would prefer to receive complaints.
Understand the message you're giving with your own body language. You may feel neutral, but your nonverbal communication can suggest you're blaming.

And beyond that, according to this research, it's a good idea to cushion your criticism with concern for the other person as well.

As Howe notes, you can ask yourself what challenges the person you're criticizing might be facing, and incorporate that into the conversation. For example, if your partner hasn't been as emotionally present lately but is also really overwhelmed with work, you could say, "I know work has been stressing you out recently and I feel it's been impacting our relationship. What can we do to help you feel more at ease?"

The takeaway

In a perfect world, we would never have criticisms of our partners, friends, or even opposing political parties—but a perfect world it is not. And in an effort to help all sides feel seen and heard, this research highlights the importance of care and concern when delivering critiques.