Why Some People Say "Partner" In A Relationship Instead Of "Boyfriend" Or "Girlfriend"
It's becoming more and more popular for people in relationships to refer to each other as "my partner" instead of calling each other boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband. But exactly what is a partner in a relationship, and what's the difference between calling someone partner vs. terms like boyfriend, significant other, or spouse?
What does the word partner mean in a relationship?
Partner is simply a way of describing someone you're romantically or sexually involved with. It doesn't necessarily indicate any particular level of seriousness or commitment, although some people do tend to associate the word with a more committed relationship.
The word partner is not new. According to Jen Doll's reporting in the Atlantic, the term arose around the 14th century to connote a more equal relationship between a married man and woman, in comparison to the gendered marriage terms husband and wife that'd been used since the 11th and ninth centuries respectively. Husband originally meant "master of the house," Doll reports, so you can see the need for an update.
But of course, the terms husband and wife have endured as well, and their gender-neutral counterparts still catch eyes. That's why Jennifer Siebel Newsom, who is married to California's governor Gavin Newsom, made headlines when she announced she'd be referred to as "first partner" instead of "first lady."
The difference between partner, boyfriend, and other relationship labels.
1. Partner avoids gender roles.
Even if we don't intend them that way, words carry with them deeply rooted underlying meanings and historical weight, says relationship and well-being coach Shula Melamed, M.A., MPH. Words like boyfriend and girlfriend may not necessarily suggest an unequal relationship, but they do nod toward the traditional roles men and women have played (and have been expected to play) in their relationships. Girlfriends are cute, needy, emotional, and controlling; boyfriends are protective, clueless, and hard to hold down. These characterizations are obviously not true in all or even most cases, and yet they ring in our ears as truisms because we've been enculturated with them.
Especially when it comes to marriage, some married people "might feel that the terms wife or husband have some traditional implications or historical weight that doesn't reflect their relationship," Melamed says. Using partner, on the other hand, is "a way to express equity in the relationship" with one single word. Partner is free from all the cultural baggage layered onto all its gendered alternatives.
2. Partner makes space for queer people.
"The term partner has historically has been used by primarily nonheterosexual couples to refer to their other half," Melamed explains. "Some use it to express alliance with the queer community."
Not everybody fits into the categories of boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. Because of the binary genders implied in those terms, they're generally not applicable to nonbinary people. In general, society as a whole ought to be adopting language that doesn't completely erase nonbinary people from the picture—that's why you'll see many media publications increasingly using the word "partner" instead of any of the gendered alternatives.
The gender-neutral word also destabilizes heteronormativity more broadly by forcing people to ditch their assumptions about what kind of person you're dating. (For example, as a prolific sex writer, I write about my own relationship regularly without mentioning my partner's name, and that word choice prompts you to recognize that you have no clue about what my partner's gender is. It challenges people to avoid assumptions.)
3. Partner has some gravity to it.
Some people gravitate toward the word partner because they want their relationship to be taken seriously by others, even if they're not married. Melamed says she knows many couples who have been together a long time, share a life and a home, and are deeply committed, and boyfriend and girlfriend just don't reflect the depth of their relationship. Furthermore, not all couples intend to get married, and it's nice to have the choice of a label that's distinct from the ones they used for all their short-lived high school romances.
4. Partner reflects what a healthy romantic relationship really looks like.
You might be thinking: What about the term significant other? Although this term also accomplishes the same gender-neutral and serious energy as partner, some people take issue with the way significant other implies that everyone only has one significant person in their life and that that relationship must be a romantic one. Doesn't that somewhat minimize the importance of friendships, family ties, and our other meaningful relationships? (My mother, for one, is certainly an S.O. in my book.)
More importantly, partner more accurately describes what a healthy romantic relationship really looks like: a partnership. It's two people who've got each other's backs, who are collaborating on their lives together, and who are tackling life's tribulations and triumphs together in a mutually satisfying way.
At the end of the day, of course, the words you use to describe your relationship are wholly up to you. Use the relationship labels that feel comfortable, that feel natural on your tongue, and that make you both feel good.
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Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good — more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable. In addition to working with individuals in her private practice, Kelly serves as the Sex & Relationships Editor at mindbodygreen. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University, and she’s been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed, among others. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be.
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