What Does It Mean To Be Gender Nonconforming?

Conversations around gender have evolved quite a bit over the years, and frankly, it's about time. There have never been two genders, and there is now a growing understanding that the gender binaries of "woman" and "man" are simply far too limiting and inaccurate.

The term "gender nonconforming" refers to identities, behaviors, and/or forms of expression used by people that don't conform to or align with traditional binary notions of gender, particularly norms around femininity and masculinity. There are many variations of gender nonconformity, also sometimes called gender variance or gender diversity, allowing people to get as specific and accurate about their gender as they desire or as much as they'd like to share with others.

Gender nonconforming is also sometimes considered an umbrella term that can apply to anyone that is not cisgender, says sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. For reference, someone who is cisgender is someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. In some cases, usually in health and psychology research contexts, the term "transgender and gender nonconforming" or TGNC may be used to encompass all non-cisgender identities, but the acronym doesn't always fit.

"TGNC provides a broad umbrella for gender-spectrum understanding and care, but it might miss nuances of how various kinds of gender-nonconforming people understand themselves. Also, not everyone feels trans and GNC are that much alike, and so the acronym might feel to some like they're not sufficiently seen," Queen explains. Not all trans people are gender nonconforming, and not all gender-nonconforming people are trans.

To understand what it means to not conform to gender norms (aka being gender nonconforming), it's important to understand what gender and gender norms themselves are. 

While sex is typically assigned at birth by a health care provider based on a handful of biological traits attached to reproduction, a person's gender is their innate, internal sense of being a woman, man, both, neither, a combination, or something else entirely, explains Anne Hodder-Shipp, multi-certified sex and relationships educator and founder of Everyone Deserves Sex Ed. Meanwhile, gender "norms" are any kind of societal expectation placed on people based solely on their genitals. These expectations run the gamut from a person's physical appearance, behaviors, interests, roles in life, family and professional roles, sexual desires, and interests, and more. 

These gender norms are socially constructed, explains Hodder-Shipp, which means they're simply beliefs that have been upheld and prioritized by a culture or group ("often originating from a person or group who holds power," they add) for so long that they feel like scientific fact. Societal constructs only exist because people have decided they exist.

Any behavior, attitude, or attribute that falls outside of binary gender norms or expectations can be considered nonconforming technically, Hodder-Shipp explains, but it's really up to the person and the intention behind it.

"For example, the way I behave in a group or the values I hold about relationships fall outside of gender norms often imposed on me, but that doesn't mean that I must now identify as gender nonconforming. I'm just being me," they say. "Sometimes when I am dressing for an event, however, I may intentionally select clothing or accessories that fall outside of what might be expected of my appearance. In this case, I'm intentionally nonconforming to expectations that society holds for folks who look like me, and it's the intent that makes it nonconforming and subversive."

Trying to determine whether you are gender nonconforming can feel like a daunting thing, but it doesn't have to be. If the term feels good to you, if it affirms your experience of gender, then it's worth exploring. Labels are meant to support you in living your life as your best you, not limit you or put you in a box.

Hodder-Shipp says exploring our identity is a process, and there isn't a checklist that can help people determine if a term applies to them. A lot of the process involves connecting to how you feel in your mind and body when you say and hear these terms, especially when experimenting with using them yourself (and having close trusted friends use them with you). 

"Keep in mind that much of this has to do with intention—if you are just being you and you have no connection to intentionally subverting or rejecting gender-related norms, then that's enough! Just keep being you. There is no pressure to use any terms or labels that don't feel quite right, even if they sound 'correct' on paper," they explain.

This can be a fluid process full of questions and uncertainty but also with some excitement, curiosity, and euphoria, so take the pressure off and just check in with yourself as you see how words and terms feel. 

Check your own gender biases and expectations and notice if/when you impose them on others, Hodder-Shipp says. Notice the words and language you use in your day-to-day, especially in relation to others. Do you use binary language, always referring to "men and women" instead of "people"? Do you unconsciously assume everyone is cisgender or heterosexual unless corrected, or unless someone specifically tells you their identity and orientation beforehand? How aware are you of gender expansiveness, and are there words and terms that are unfamiliar? 

Queen says the most important thing is not to be judgmental or pressure people about gender. Teach your kids not to do it either since a lot of gender-based bullying happens among children, and it can be cruel. And speaking of children, Rae says, "if there are children in your life, try affirming their curiosity and experimentation around gender."