Lalah Delia On Why We Need To Rethink The Way We Approach Relationships
Our relationships are a two-way street: Just as we find ourselves comforted by others, we also help those we care about.
We are sent. We become deployed to the front lines during times of need as conduits, vessels, soldiers, and earth angels. This happens through a call to action, a sense of higher purpose, or, if we hesitate, a spiritual shove forward into action. Maybe it’s to check on someone; to respond in a helpful way; to prepare and deliver a meal; to do the right thing; to do what seems like a random act of kindness or love or a good deed; to show up, serve, and spend time in someone's process with them; to communicate certain words or a message—on and on. So many ways the orders come through, and to, us.
For the current to come through, however, we have to stay open to it in our heart. And when we do, we become vessels and conduits on earth, or "helpers," as Fred Rogers, of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, calls them.
When we help others, we also help ourselves. And it's so often an essential part of our own spiritual wellness and growth during whatever current season of life we're in or journeying toward. Often, an assignment received that seemingly has nothing to do with us and our journey has everything to do with us and our journey. It's connected, and we're meant to be involved.
Living in vibrational awareness has a way of opening us up and keeping us available as conduits in this way. And as Mother Teresa, by way of Saint Teresa of Avila's prayer, would so often pray, it allows us to be The Divine's hands and ears here on earth. Even during times of busyness, inconvenience, or our own times of need, we are still on call.
Discernment and wisdom.
Not every circumstance or potential relationship will be your assignment. Dealing in the multidimensional realm of relationships is a spiritual art, and it takes wisdom to maneuver with purpose, and in wellness and wholeness and in your power. Discerning the difference between who needs your help and who does not is vital because who we serve contributes to our own vibration, spiritual wellness, and growth process.
You can discern your assignment when you're coming from a place of pure love and empowerment and when there's no threat to you becoming disempowered. Disempowerment looks like vibrating in a lower state, losing your harmony, and being repeatedly taken advantage of, manipulated into action, or spiritually weakened as a result of an unhealthy relationship.
You'll also recognize it's not your assignment or relationship when your motivation is coming from a self-centered, egoic state of mind. Ulterior motives are never a higher call to action. In times like these, simply breathe out ego, breathe in higher wisdom, and chill. And know that only what you do in high vibrations will truly last, count, and remain standing. Everything else is a fading mist that you can't hold on to or a dream from which you'll have to wake up at some point to return to life and reality.
Connect to the love.
When you feel most alone on your journey, when you're in the desert, tap into the wondrous resources within. Reflect on the ways others have shown up for you in the past. And realize that you come from a village, no matter how big or small. Even though you may be away from it at times, or your tribe members are no longer with you in the physical realm, you're still a part of the village. You're part of the whole. Connect to your energy bond and the place within your heart and soul where the love you experienced and felt is stored. The love you're missing is right there within you, accompanying you on your journey, awaiting your recognition. It lies low, in reserve, until you give it permission to take up more space in your life.
Love is about coming together. Souls are whole alone, but when they come together for a unified purpose, they become whole in a different and more extraordinary way. That's the power of coming together with other beings.
And whether positive or negative, connection amplifies the spirit of what's there. What's there sets the tone for the relationship, for the community, and for the space, which directly influences spirit, experiences, purpose, and vibration.
The right assignments and
relationships keep you on
the right track. The wrong
That's how you'll know.
When you're not feeling
and you're burdened
by life and the journey,
lean on a loved one to help
lighten the load.
Taking the path of growth together.
One of my great longtime friends is filmmaker and writer Christopher Erskin. He was there during each of my low vibrational relationships and way before them all.
With laughter in my soul, I recall calling him up once after not being in touch for a while. I said something super simple like, "Hi, Christopher, apologies it's taken me so long to make this call to you." And he responded just like this: "Who is he? Are you OK? What did he do to you? Do I need to come and get you? I can leave now. Where are you?"
Goodness! While grateful for his inner gangster jumping to my rescue, I had to tell brother man to stand down. I laughed so loud from my soul. Comedy! He didn't know my life update. I had come a long way since we'd last spoken, and I filled him in. I let him know the details of my healing and growth, and it felt glorious to not be "that Lalah" anymore. This time, I was calling from a position of empowerment.
When you've been friends with someone a long time, you see that person grow. It's magnificent to see your beloved friends, family, or companions living out their healing and transformation, and for them to see you doing the same. It's an energy cleanse of the relationship and its environment, and it also raises the vibration of the connection. Growth is a beautiful thing to behold and is what life is all about. So if you aspire to value, maintain, sustain, and elevate your relationships to their highest potential and purpose, grow together.
My conversations with friends nowadays, including Christopher, have shifted from disempowered and low vibrational narratives to life goals. They are about purpose instead of rescue and survival. They celebrate inspiration and progress instead of rehashing cycles of repeated relationship problems. This is a true glow up that took effort, time, and growth on all of our parts, during which any person or relationship that wasn't growing was organically outgrown and succeeded by a better, more harmonious one.
Human relationships are like the root systems and branches of trees—they're extensions of us. When we care for trees, we have to prune dead limbs and leaves in order to make space for the appropriate environment for growth, fruitfulness, and thriving to occur. No longer having to deal with the various side effects of the dead or decaying limbs and leaves attached to it, the tree now has more energy to focus on growth, fruitfulness, and thriving. We reflect nature in this same way. Feel familiar to you?
This process is what makes trees and gardens—and people—beautiful. We notice the integrity, love, nurturing, and energy that someone puts into a good pruned area or life. We notice the level of care, intention, and soulful grooming that makes way for greater growth and development. This allows us to experience a sense of harmony and beautiful vibrations as a result. This is how we can feel better after being in certain gardens and around certain people.
Healthy lives and relationships don't just happen; they take work, nurturing, and pruning. What isn't working or growing? What needs to be trimmed away or dug up from the roots? What is negatively affecting the whole and spreading like a virus?
Notice the decaying or affected parts. Notice what's already died off. Notice the people who aren't contributing to your life in a supportive or positive way. Who without regard for your well-being or process, are the people who have settled into the role of being a subtle nuisance, or an outright antagonist, in your life and to your process. They can show up in big, small, or subtle ways but always with the same destructive and low vibrational goal in mind.
The right people help you to grow and maintain a thriving and beautiful tree of life. That's how you'll know who they are. By knowing how to prune your own life, and by valuing and honoring the process, you grow more able to show up as a better friend, beloved, and support in the lives of other people. Making space in your life for great people to be in it—true friends, mentors, supportive family, spiritual community—builds you up and gives you an extra layer of protection, nourishment, and guidance. All part of maintaining your healthy tree of life.
As part of my healing journey, and as homework from my mentors, I began making space in the garden of my life for only those who were also focused on growth and thriving. Honoring this process and boundary has allowed for a more productive, rewarding, and fulfilling journey since. This was the gateway for me to experience enriching relationships all around.
I've learned that letting go is not a rude thing or a personal thing—it's a spiritual and purposeful thing. It's about knowing and honoring that you're here to be the good caretaker of the garden within you, and of all the fruit you're here to bear.
How you journey and treat
people is your vibration.
How people journey and
treat you is theirs.
Excerpted from Vibrate Higher Daily by Lalah Delia, copyright 2019. Reprinted with permission by HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
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Lalah Delia is a certified spiritual practitioner, wellness educator, and the founder of Vibrate Higher Daily, a vibrational-living online community and support program. She shares her spiritual teachings on her popular Instagram account @lalahdelia. She has been an ambassador for Reebok’s #BeMoreHuman campaign and a mentor for Target’s wellness series Target Tag, has spoken at panels across the country like SXSW, In Goop Health, Girlboss Rally, and the Create and Cultivate Summit, and has been featured in Glamour, Essence, Well Good, Vice, Bustle, Hollywood Reporter, and more. She is the author of Vibrate Higher Daily, Live Your Power, published with HarperOne.
Lalah is engaged daily in pushing wholeness, harmony, transformation, self-empowerment, and healthy lifestyle forward through the message and practice of vibrating higher daily. Her core message is that vibration plays a contributing and very interconnected role throughout our everyday lives, our experiences, manifestations, doings, being, and becomings, and that our vibration governs how we show up in the world and how we perceive it.