Is Your Need For Control Sabotaging Your Relationship? A Counselor Explains

If we want happier relationships, we must understand why we have this impulse to control others and how we can overcome it. Whether this urge stems from anxiety, compulsivity, or self-righteousness, our need to regulate everything around us can cause the following problems in our relationships:

When we only focus on our own wants and needs, we communicate clearly to others that theirs do not matter. For example, maybe we decide that our wish for a vacation to Mexico is more important than our partner's desire to stay home and save money—and so we book the trip for two anyway. This action communicates loud and clear that "what I want is more important than what you want." It should be no surprise that our partner is upset with us for completely disregarding their wishes. Even if we think we are trying to be helpful, we must provide space for our loved ones to communicate their wishes and make an effort to listen to their thoughts and feelings genuinely.

When we act in such autocratic ways, imbalances in how we relate to each other often take hold. If our partners discover that we will always want our way, they might withdraw completely, simply deferring to us. They stop thinking and being active participants in the relationship, instead begrudgingly or angrily going along with everything we want. As a result, we become the only ones thinking and doing in the relationship, which leaves both our partners and us feeling dissatisfied and resentful.

(Here's more on signs of controlling parents.)

Controlling relationships are toxic relationships for everyone involved. The person being controlled may see themselves as inadequate, believing they are incapable of doing much. They might feel a sense of worthlessness as they fail to be considered, heard, and respected when it comes time to make decisions. And those of us who are controlling may ultimately not feel good about who we are as we become aware of our bossiness and selfishness. When our family and friends distance themselves after we try to do what we think is best for everyone, we feel rejected and insecure. For this reason, we must listen to how others are feeling about our controllingness and check in with ourselves, too, so we can shift from controlling to collaborative.

Our need to control can ruin our relationships. Even when we are just trying to make our vacation happen or improve our home, we must try to keep mutuality in mind as we make suggestions and take action. Sure, we can research that new restaurant in town and suggest we try it, but let's be open when our friend, partner, or family member responds with their own suggestion to try a new eatery that has caught their attention. Let's hear their ideas and give them the same consideration we have given to our own desires. Let's listen fully to each other and speak honestly. Doing so will likely result not only in agreeable dinner plans but in stronger and healthier relationships with the people we love.