A Guide To Neopronouns, From Experts & People Who Use Them

Before we explain neopronouns, let's talk about pronouns in general, specifically as they relate to gender. Pronouns are a part of a person's gender. They are the terms that individuals use to refer to themselves and to reflect their gender. Common gender pronouns include she/her, he/him, and they/them, and then there are also neopronouns, such as ze/zir or fae/faer.

According to Dainis Graveris, a sex educator and founder of Sexual Alpha, neopronouns are a category of new pronouns that intentionally go beyond the traditional gender binary of masculine and feminine. While some people consider they/them/theirs pronouns as the go-to gender-neutral pronouns, they still limit individuals to three pronoun categories—he, she, or they. That's where neopronouns come in.

"Neopronouns empower folks who feel different from the rest of the world to be true to themselves when all other pronouns and labels don't fit them," Graveris explains to mbg. "For some people, these pronouns recognize both their masculine and feminine sides. For others, they help them express their unique gender identity to others."

To take it a step further, noun-self pronouns also fall under the neopronoun umbrella.

First things first: "Please remember, someone's gender is more important than 'proper grammar,' so let that go," says licensed therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT.

Using neopronouns in full sentences is as simple as replacing the typical pronouns (he, she, him, her, etc.) with the neopronoun of the person you're speaking about.

People use neopronouns for many different reasons. Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, certified sex therapist and director at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center, says one of those reasons is cultural.

"Many pronouns have a lot of cultural assumptions attached to them, but since neopronouns have no inherent link to gender, they can disrupt assumptions someone is making about someone's gender," they explain.

This sentiment is echoed by the musician Dua Saleh, who uses the pronouns xe/xyr/xim, in a series of tweets shared on Twitter. "More recent neopronouns (new pronouns) have context within online subgroups created by trans/queer youth, creating shifts in ways [people] subvert Western heteropatriarchy and binaries," xe tweeted. "It's also really affirming to find the pronouns that are right for you even if they're private to you. This is a privilege for me [because] often universally used languages are rooted in the binary."

Other neopronoun users say the decision to use them is rooted in fun and personalization.

The term "neopronoun" might sound foreign or like something that was just introduced, but neopronouns have actually been around since the mid-1800s, according to Bonikowski. For example, the neopronoun "thon" was a big one back in the day: "Thon"—short for "that one"—was introduced in 1858 and served as a singular, gender-neutral pronoun. It was even added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in 1934 but removed in 1961.

While most of those neopronouns fell out of use or have not been in continuous use—like "hesher" and "ze"—Bonikowski notes that people have been trying to tinker with pronouns to reflect gender neutrality for centuries. "From the mid-1600s, English language style guides also promoted the use of 'generic he' to include any single person in the third person of any gender," she explains. "During the 1970s and '80s, perhaps related to second-wave feminism, 'generic she' was used by some writers. Some people alternated between using 'she' and using 'he,' or consistently wrote out the longer phrase 'he or she.' Novel forms like 's/he' were used in the 1990s and early 2000s."

Throughout history, neopronouns were even coined and pushed by state legislatures to clarify that laws should apply to any individual (whereas "generic he" can be read as applying only to men), she continues. Some newspapers and universities have also promoted the use of neopronouns: As described in linguist Dennis Baron's book What's Your Pronoun?: Beyond He and She, the Sacramento Bee used "hir" for almost 30 years starting in the 1920s, and Mississippi even entertained a bill proposed in 1922 to adopt the pronouns "hesh/hiser/himer" that failed by only one vote. 

Neopronouns and folks who use them have attracted quite a bit of criticism. According to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D., pronouns in general have become a culture war issue of sorts. "I think there are people who make a big drama about this because they do believe in the binary," she explains. "But I also think some are ungracious about it because they just find it hard to accept change and remember new information. They're worried they'll screw up and so are not very graceful about it overall."

According to Ley Cray, Ph.D., director of LGBTQIA+ Programming at virtual mental health clinic Charlie Health, the use of neopronouns in particular—especially noun-self pronouns—is a point of some debate even within TGNC (transgender and gender nonconforming) communities.

"Some criticize the practice of using neopronouns on the grounds that, linguistically, they're simply too challenging to use, making them unlikely to be taken up as a general part of the language," Cray explains. "Others refer to some sort of mythical 'purity' of language and grammar—though these criticisms tend to rely on a misunderstanding of the historical development of language and also on the nature and role of grammar itself."

When it comes to TGNC communities, some defend the use of neopronouns and noun-self pronouns on the grounds that they expand the range of options for gender-nonconforming persons to relate to and express their gender. Others see the use of such pronouns as a sort of activism meant to reveal the absurdity of gendered language, to begin with.

Pronouns aren't everything, but they are linked to our identities, expression, and help shape how we see ourselves and how we're seen and perceived by others. More often than not, this is related to gender identity, and as Queen explains, gender is a primary "sorting mechanism" for many people and often connected to one's sense of sexual orientation. That means pronouns can be not only central to the way we think about and refer to people (ourselves and others) but also fraught if we don't feel like our pronouns match our sense of ourselves.

"This is largely where neopronouns come from—they are a way to get beyond binary pronouns and hence categories—pronouns are shorthand for those, so I would say it's generally not just the pronoun but also what it represents and whether that representation fits," she adds.

Additionally, Kahn says people make sometimes accurate and sometimes inaccurate assumptions about someone's gender based on their appearance, name, and pronouns.

And if you do slip up with respect to someone's pronouns, the best thing to do is to acknowledge the mistake briefly but sincerely by apologizing, correcting, and moving on, Cray says. For example, "He said…I'm sorry, ze said…"

Extended apologies or exaggerated corrections can be very uncomfortable for the person you're referring to and can often put them in the position of having to expend emotional energy on consoling someone who just misgendered them.