The 5 Truths About Chemistry Between Two People

Marriage and Family Therapist By Shelly Bullard, MFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to relationships. She has worked with thousands of clients on improving their relationships with others and themselves.
The 5 Truths About Chemistry Between Two People

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Chemistry has a purpose. It's not random; it's not a fluke. There's essential information in the attraction that occurs between two people. It's important for us to know what chemistry is so we can use it to feel more love in our lives. Without understanding that there's a secret order to love, we feel out of control. And no one likes that.

But there are some core truths about chemistry that can help us understand these strong emotions that we are feeling and how we can learn and grow from these feelings. Here, five truths about chemistry to help you navigate your intense feelings:

1. Don't be scared of chemistry.

I often hear people talk about chemistry as if it's a bad thing. Like we should be wary of the people we're attracted to the most. And I understand why this is a common warning: because these people tend to bring our issues to the surface. Not to mention, a sudden rush of intense emotions can just be scary in general.

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2. Don't worry; you're not out of control.

It's true that strong attraction makes for a wild ride in love. But the question is: Is this really a bad thing? Some people will say yes. Sure, if you want life to be easy then the path of strong attraction isn't for you (Side note: Is there an easy path? I'm still trying to figure that one out). Of course, we all want love to be uncomplicated. But we are complicated, so it makes sense that our relationships and attractions will be the same.

This doesn't mean that we stick around in relationships that feel horrible to be in. But it does mean we recognize that love will provoke us to grow into fuller versions of ourselves. And this isn't easy!

3. Chemistry can cause negative feelings—recognize them, and move on.

Feelings such as insecurity, doubt, fear, jealousy, judgment, and contempt (all ego feelings) will appear with the people we desire most. Because of this, many of us categorize these highly attractive relationships as "bad."

When we remember that relationships are meant to teach us growth, we approach the "bad" very differently. Acknowledge these feelings, understand why you are feeling them, and understand that the emotions are fundamentally normal.

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4. It's OK to feel chemistry with someone—and not move forward with a long-term relationship.

Lessons of love take on many forms. Sometimes reconnecting with love means leaving the relationship. Not every instance of intense chemistry is meant to turn into a full-blown relationship. Sometimes, you're just meant to have a connection with someone, and then move on.

These can still teach you valuable lessons about love, other people, and yourself. Perhaps they'll show qualities that are essential in a partner that you never knew you valued before; perhaps they'll show you qualities in yourself that you never knew were there. Those are important lessons that help us grow and evolve on our own journeys. Just because the other person won't continue on the journey with you doesn't meant they weren't a valuable part of it for the moments that they were.

5. But with others, you can turn that chemistry into lasting love.

Sometimes reconnecting with love means sticking around and working through the challenges. Since chemistry can trigger intense emotions—some good, some bad—successfully working through this can result in a healthy, strong relationship. Eventually those feelings of out-of-control love will transform into something better: lasting love. You just have to put in the work to get there.

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The bottom line:

Don't bypass or downplay the chemistry you feel; remember that it exists for a reason. The people you're most attracted to are often your greatest teachers in love. Show up for the lessons they have for you.

And if you want to learn more about how to build better chemistry, check out Shelly Bullard's course, How To Become the Most Attractive Version of Yourself & Become Magnetic in Your Relationships.

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Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to...
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Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a...
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