Why You’re Still Attracting Unavailable Partners (And How To Stop)

Marriage and Family Therapist By Shelly Bullard, MFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to relationships. She has worked with thousands of clients on improving their relationships with others and themselves.
Why You’re Still Attracting Unavailable Partners (And How To Stop)

This post is part of a series by Shelly Bullard — a primer on raising your vibration and attracting your soul mate. For the next five days, we’ll post one article offering the foundational elements you need to go deeper in the search for self love, and the love of your life. When you’re ready to take the next step, check out Shelly’s course: How To Attract A Partner Who’s Ready For Deep, Devoted Love.

One of the most common relationship issues is getting stuck in a pattern of choosing unavailable partners. How do you know if that applies to you? If you're attracted to people who don’t show up for you in a satisfying way, and you have no idea why this is happening or how to break the cycle, this is your pattern.

Needless to say, this experience is disheartening and frustrating on many levels.

Perhaps you’re attracted to people who are unwilling to create close, intimate connections, or maybe you choose people who distance themselves once you settle into the relationship. Maybe you continuously find yourself chasing or grasping for love.

Whatever your version of the pattern is, if you struggle to find satisfying romantic connections, I want you to know there is a reason for this, and there are ways to overcome it. That’s what I’ll teach you here.

Below are four of the most potent ways to break the cycle of choosing unavailable partners, so you can finally attract real, deep, devoted love. By doing the inner work — transforming your beliefs about relationships from the inside-out — the quality of love in your life will completely transform, too.

1. Make peace with your past.

The way we interact in relationships today is closely intertwined with relationships from our past. In particular, relationships with parents and family members.

As children, we develop belief systems about how relationship functions based on family dynamics. These beliefs create relationship imprints in our psyches, and we unconsciously recreate create adult relationships that feel like those relationships.

If we don’t examine and resolve these old belief systems from the past, we unconsciously create partnerships that carry the same types of conflict we experienced as children.

If you have unresolved wounds of not feeling seen or known as a child, you’ll automatically create relationships today with people who also feel unavailable for love.

While this may sound like horrible news, I want to assure you that it’s very common — even normal. No one had perfect parents. No one has a perfect past. Old relationship wounds exist for us all, and they’re an opportunity to evolve and grow.

To move beyond your old wounds, you must examine your past. Be honest about what hurt you, and be willing to resolve those conflicts and forgive the people who caused you pain.

Healing past wounds frees you of the compulsion to play these issues out with partners today.


2. Become available to yourself.

Relationships mirror what’s happening inside of us. People treat us the way we treat ourselves.

If you’re caught in the pattern of attracting unavailable partners, it can only mean one thing: On some level, you’re not being available to yourself.

Being available to yourself means developing a close, loving, accepting, bonded relationship with yourself and your internal process.

It’s paying attention to your thoughts and feelings, respecting them and following through on the things you need. It’s taking time explore who you are and what’s important to you. It’s hanging out with yourself and knowing that no matter what, you’ve got your own back!

Because external relationships mirror internal relationships, building a close, loving relationship with yourself helps you attract close, loving relationships with others.

3. Believe that amazing partners exist.

We can only create what we believe is possible. Unfortunately, many of us don’t truly believe that amazing partners exist.

Believe me, I get it. It can be hard to believe in love when you’ve been burned in the past. But it’s important to know that not believing in amazing partners is the exact thing that keeps them from you.

Your beliefs inform your energy. Your energy informs your reality.

If your beliefs say, “I doubt there’s someone out there for me,” or “I’m scared of being hurt again,” then your energy will attract those types of experiences over and over again. You’ll stay caught in the pattern of feeling like people are unavailable for love, but in truth, you’re responsible for creating that reality!

If you shift your beliefs and start entertaining the possibility that amazing partners exist, your energy about love changes. When this happens, your reality will change, too.

In order to attract an incredible partner, you must believe in an incredible partner. Open the door to possibility so it can come to you.


4. Cultivate love from within.

Love is the experience we’re all seeking. Love is characterized by feeling known, seen, cherished, and adored.

And love always, always starts from within you.

As amazing as it is to share love with another person, that person will never be the source of your love. You are the source of your love.

When you learn how to cultivate love and affection from within, people and experiences that match that energetic frequency of love will automatically come to you.

Please leave a comment telling us what you’re going to do to break the pattern of choosing unavailable partners to create amazing love in your life.

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Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to...
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Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a...
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