Why You're Not Enjoying Oral Sex & What To Do About It
If you don't like oral sex, you're not alone. A lot of women have a hard time relaxing during oral. Below are a few common reasons you might not enjoy oral sex. The good news is, the challenges can be addressed if it's important to you.
1. That type of stimulation just isn't interesting to you.
Some people just don't enjoy that tongue-on-clit feeling, and that's totally OK! You might be someone who prefers more manual stimulation (fingers are much firmer and less slobbery!), vibration from toys, or penetrative intercourse. There's no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex—you like what you like. If there's something you don't enjoy, you don't need to force yourself to enjoy it. Find the things you do like and focus on doing those things.
If it's important to you, you and your partner can always explore trying out different types of oral sex techniques just in case there is a form of oral sex that does get you off. (Here's our guide on how to give passionate oral sex. You may also enjoy incorporating tantric yoni massage.)
2. You're self-conscious.
Some women don't enjoy oral sex because they are uncomfortable with their vagina and just feel anxious when someone comes face-to-face with it.
It's possible you've never consciously thought about how you feel about your vagina and vulva, but poor genital self-image can definitely make it harder to enjoy sex and even have orgasms. Especially when it comes to oral sex, you need to love your yoni for you to be able to fully lean into the pleasure. That means learning to love its shape, size, color, and smell.
Try to begin to see oral sex as a form of worship. Allow your partner to worship you as the goddess you are.
How to love your vagina.
It can be helpful to get to know the beautiful diversity of what different people's vulvas look like. (The vulva is the external visible part of your genitalia, which includes the opening to your vagina, which is the internal tract. Most people's self-consciousness is actually related to their vulva's look and feel.) Don't compare yours to porn star vaginas. Porn stars often bleach their skin and sometimes undergo surgical treatments to make their labia smaller and their skin tighter. They're not supposed to look realistic—they're an exaggerated fantasy version of a vulva.
Take a peek at The Vulva Gallery to get more familiar with what vulvas can look like. Spoiler alert: There's no one shape, size, or color!
You might also benefit from grabbing a hand mirror and spending some time looking at your own vulva. Consider reciting mantras of love and empowerment while you do this, or simply send love to your vulva as you look at it.
How to feel confident going into oral sex.
Before you engage in oral sex, see if you can start to get some of your sexual energy flowing through your body. One way to do that is through my OYoga workout. The moves were created to activate your sexual energy. If you want to start small, try this simple OYoga move: Stand with your feet hip-distance apart and put your hands on your hips. Make micro-circles with your hips in both directions. As you do that, squeeze your Kegel muscles to really pump up your sexual energy. Add in hip tilts—front and back—to really get your juices flowing.
During oral sex, practice breathing into orgasmic feelings. As your partner is going down on you, try some tantric breathing techniques to keep yourself grounded and focused in fully on the pleasure, instead of getting distracted by being self-conscious about what you look like or smell like, or what your partner thinks of giving you oral. When you get to the edge of climax, breathing deeply will help you push the orgasmic feelings through your mind and body. Let the breath out and let it all go.
3. It's an intimacy issue.
Oral sex is way more intimate than penetrative intercourse, so it's possible that your inability to enjoy oral sex stems not from issues with receiving cunnilingus but instead from underlying issues in your relationship to the partner performing it on you.
A few questions to ask yourself:
- Do you only feel this discomfort and anxiety with oral sex?
- Can you enjoy other forms of sex?
- Do you see control issues manifesting in other areas of your life?
- How comfortable do you feel with this partner performing oral sex on you?
Start exploring the potential emotional and psychological reasons you might not enjoy oral sex. I once had a client who was only able to enjoy extremely rough sex, and she didn't enjoy oral either. For her, sex was a way of numbing out an overactive mind and past trauma. It was hard for her to relax and receive. She ultimately ended up getting divorced from that partner and found that she didn't have any sexual intimacy issues with her next partner, who was a better match for her in and out of the bedroom.
Be honest with yourself and with your partner about what is going on in the relationship. Your sex life is a reflection of your romantic life. If things aren't going right in your relationship, it's hard to make it right in the bedroom.
Psalm Isadora was a renowned Tantric sex educator, sex coach, and yoga teacher who taught thousands of Tantra and sexuality workshops internationally. Her groundbreaking work has been featured on CNN, NPR, The Huffington Post, iHeart Radio, Bustle, and many more, and she reached over 66 million homes as the star of Playboy TV’s reality show Cougar Club. She founded sex education organization Urban Kama Sutra and is the creator of the practice of OYoga, a combination of yoga, belly dance, and burlesque to help women unlock their inner sex goddess.
Isadora passed away on March 26, 2017. During her life, Psalm made a name for herself as a bold, outspoken sex, relationships, and trauma expert who lived to inspire the next generation of women. She demystified the ancient secrets of Tantra to make them accessible to the modern masses.
Raised in a religious cult as a child, Isadora endured years of sexual trauma that eventually ignited her passion to teach sexual empowerment and modern sex ed. In 2007, Isadora traveled to India to immerse herself in the ancient teachings of Tantra to facilitate deep healing and discover her own path as a healer. For eight years, Isadora traveled to India to delve deeper into the path of Tantra and teach yoga to sex-trafficked women in the red light district of Calcutta, work that would eventually become part of a documentary titled Shakti. She studied the Śrī Vidyā tradition of Tantra under spiritual guru Sri Amritananda (Guruji) in Pradesh, India, and was initiated into Shakti Tantra Yoga.
We will miss you, Psalm. You will certainly never be forgotten.