This Therapist Wants You To Under Schedule Your Kids (& Yourself!)
In mindbodygreen's parenting column, Parenthetical, mbg parenting contributor, psychotherapist, and writer Lia Avellino explores the dynamic, enriching, yet often complicated journey into parenthood. In today's installment, she talks about her hesitations with overscheduling our kids' lives.
I recently started to feel anxious hearing a friend share all the extracurricular activities her five year old child was engaged in. Should I be signing up my children for things like this, too? I wondered.
Even if you believe in the value of unstructured time and the creative power of boredom, it can be hard to stay true to these values when we compare ourselves to those who are doing more. Typically, when we see others are doing more than we are, it can tap into our worth insecurity: “Who am I, if I am not doing?”
The modern world & over scheduling: A problem we must all reckon with
We are living in a time where there are so many choices of what we and our kids can do. The options are endless: STEM club, interpretative dance, little league language immersion, sailing, and the list goes on.
There is nothing wrong with supporting our kids in learning new skills. In fact, sometimes signing them up for after school activities is a necessity!
However, I have been questioning if there is a propensity to overschedule our children, because we ourselves are overscheduled. As anxiety and depression rates rise for kids1 and adults, it may be helpful to consider if what we are “doing” is working for us and if doing less might be what we really need.
Parents report stress in therapy sessions, stating that they are chauffeuring their kids from one club to the next, but don’t have space or time to stop to think about why.
We begin to see a drop off at age 13 in engagement in the structured activities that kids once loved. Some social scientists speculate this is because of burnout. And others suspect that because children have been entertained for many years, once they have autonomy they don’t develop the ability to make choices with their time. Essentially: They have never learned how to read their internal cues signaling what they feel and what they are in the mood to do/not do.
Sit with these questions to help you determine what amount of activities feels right for your family, and if engagement is actually enhancing or depleting your lives.
Is your scheduling coming from a place of anxiety, or a desire expressed by your kid?
We want the best for our kids, but sometimes the “best” is subtractive rather than additive. Consider what your intention is by signing your kids up for multiple activities:
- Are you doing it because others around you are?
- Are you doing it because you think it makes you a better parent?
- Do you feel like it’s the “thing” that will set them up for “success?”
Observe your kids and ask yourself (and them!) questions about...
- What activities make them feel most alive and like themselves?
- Where do they feel relaxed?
- Do they have enough downtime?
This may help you determine if the activity is meeting one of their needs or if it’s more about meeting ours—perhaps guilt about not being available to them or insecurity about “enoughness."
Similarly, allowing our kids to have unstructured time lets them know that we believe in their ability to be creative and connected to themselves and others—not that we feel that they have to constantly be working toward something or have a plan.
What is your attitude toward boredom?
When my children tell me they are bored, I emphatically tell them it’s “fantastic!” This is where we can come up with our best ideas for fun, tune into how we feel, or do absolutely nothing. Growing up in a capitalist society can make us all feel like our worth decreases when we are not doing.
Consider the messages you are receiving about idle time. Do you take space from your phone and your responsibilities? If not, what is getting in the way and what would it be like to carve out this room (even 5 minutes) to be non-productive with/without your kids.
Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans by Michaeleen Doucleff explored what we can learn from ancient parenting practices around the world.
She states: “We need to model calmness. We have to be regulating our own internal states first before we expect our children to learn to regulate theirs.”
Creating space for quiet time at home, helps to model how to create calmness throughout the life course.
What is your family philosophy on “childhood?”
I straddle the line between wanting my children to have fun and wanting them to be helpful community members. This means that they unload the dishwasher (starting at age 2), participate in family meetings about what’s working and not working, come with me to run errands, and attend my coffee and activism meetings (when appropriate).
I believe in parenting them inside my life, not stretching myself too much to create a separate life for them.
Consider how you define a good childhood and what values you want your children to practice upholding.
Are the activities a replacement for your quality time/play with them?
As adults, it's easier to forget our own needs for play. Whereas our childhood classrooms may have had kinetic sand, a circle space for gathering, and colorful art on the walls, our offices are grey and separated by cubicles.
By putting all the play outside of family life with structured activities it can create less opportunity for play inside family life.
Doucleff reminds us that “Togetherness is easy. It’s relaxing. It flows. It’s what happens when we all stop trying to control each other’s actions and simply let each other be.”
How might “doing” be replaced with more “being” in your family life?
Think about what type of play may be supportive of you and your kids—mutual delight and acceptance that isn’t based on doing and improving. What would it be like to send the message to our kids that we are just as valuable in the moments of not doing?
The takeaway
Each family has its own needs for structured time, but consider when some of the propensity toward extracurriculars may be hindering our ability to be with ourselves and others. By making space for nothingness and boredom, we send the message to each other that we are enough in our simplest forms.