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A Therapist-Approved Method For Breaking The Negative Cycle Of Self-Talk
Stop and think about the voice in your head. What does that voice say to you on a day-to-day basis? Does it encourage you to live your most authentic, happy life? Does it celebrate your wins and offer compassion for your mistakes? Does it want you to thrive?
Unfortunately for many of us, the voice in our head is often less than empathetic. Instead of offering us understanding, it picks apart our choices and makes us feel unworthy. This is called the inner critical voice, and its constant presence can lead to a cycle of perfectionism, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
In this Q&A, we sit down with Manami Yamamoto, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Blue Humming Therapy, to explore the Nurturing Figure Framework—a transformative approach to inner healing designed to help people shift from an internal critical voice to an inner nurturing one.
Ultimately, Yamamoto says, this framework can help develop an inner dialogue that brings out the best in you.
mindbodygreen: Why do people develop a harsh inner critic? You note that it begins in early childhood and with parenting styles. So, what about childhood leads to that inner critic?
Yamamoto: Let me explain a bit about authoritarian parenting. Authoritarian parenting is characterized by high demands and low responsiveness. Parents who use this style often prioritize obedience, discipline, and control—over prioritizing emotional warmth or understanding.
Children raised in this kind of environment may internalize the harsh, critical tone of their caregivers. Over time, this can lead to the development of an inner critical voice. They may start talking to themselves with thoughts like, "I'm not good enough," "I must be perfect," or "Making mistakes is unacceptable."
This inner voice can become self-sustaining, eventually leading to feelings of shame, self-doubt, and perfectionism.
mbg: How are perfectionism, anxiety, and low self-esteem related?
Yamamoto: Everything is connected in a cycle. Let me explain. It often starts with perfectionism, which creates unrealistic standards and a strong fear of failure.
This fear leads to constant worry—worry about not being successful or about disappointing others—which eventually develops into anxiety.
Over time, repeated experiences of perceived failure can chip away at a person's sense of self-worth, making them feel like they're not good enough.
This cycle is often driven by the inner critical voice. That voice demands perfection, and when perfection isn't achieved, the person may end up punishing themselves emotionally.
mbg: How can you identify your inner critic? I ask this because, to your point, this voice is developed at such an early age that it becomes second nature to people. They often don't even realize they're speaking to themselves so negatively. How do you help people come to the realization that they're doing this?
Yamamoto: This part is always very challenging for many people, and I completely understand that. The first step is paying attention to your thoughts and feelings and increasing your awareness.
For example, negative self-talk often happens automatically. When people start noticing thoughts like, "I'm not good enough," "I'm not successful," or "I have to be perfect," I encourage them to pause and really pay attention to the way they're speaking to themselves.
After that, it's important to understand the feelings that come with those thoughts. Some people may feel shame, guilt, self-doubt, anxiety, or fear. These thoughts and feelings are signs that the inner critical voice is active.
The goal is to be present and aware, really noticing what kinds of thoughts and feelings are happening in the moment. This is the essence of mindfulness.
However, most people tend to distract themselves from these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings by doing something—anything—to avoid them. That's a common pattern.
But when we practice mindfulness, we allow ourselves to be with those thoughts and feelings without immediately trying to escape. And through that awareness, we can begin to understand and shift our internal experience.
mbg: What is the Nurturing Figure Framework?
Yamamoto: The Nurturing Figure Framework is a therapeutic concept where an individual visualizes or creates an internal figure that offers warmth, support, and unconditional care. This figure can be based on someone real—like an elder or a caring version of themselves—or it can be entirely imagined.
The key is that it becomes an internal nurturing presence they can turn to. They imagine this figure speaking to them with compassion, understanding, and validation—without any judgment.
This nurturing figure offers unconditional love and care. It supports emotional healing by countering the harshness of the inner critic. It might say things like, "You don't need to pressure yourself so much," or "It's okay to feel this way—it's completely normal."
Over time, having this internal nurturing figure helps people feel more at peace, more accepted, and more emotionally supported from within.
mbg: How do you develop this inner nurturing figure? Can you walk us through it?
Yamamoto: The first step is increasing awareness—figuring out what kind of negative self-talk or inner critical voice someone has. It can help to name that critical voice and acknowledge it: "Yes, I have this inner critic." Once you recognize it, you can begin to challenge the messages it's sending.
When you hear that critical voice saying things like, "You need to be perfect," "You're going to fail," or " not good enough," the next step is to ask, Is that really true? Do I really need to be perfect in order to survive? Questioning these messages is an important starting point.
After that, bring in the nurturing figure, your internal voice of self-compassion and validation. Speak to yourself with kindness, saying things like, "I understand how you feel. It's normal and okay. I'm here for you. We can take small steps together to grow."
That compassionate, supportive voice can gradually replace the critical one. Parents, in particular, can practice speaking to themselves this way again and again. Over time, this creates an internal environment of warmth and understanding.
For those who struggle to do this on their own, it's completely OK to seek outside support from a therapist, a supportive friend, or another caring person. You don't have to do it all by yourself.
mbg: I wanted to ask about parents too. How can parents break this cycle? How can they make sure they're not doing this to their own children?
Yamamoto: When I talk about the inner critical voice, I often ask parents to think about how they can develop a more nurturing, kind voice when speaking to their children. But more importantly, I encourage all parents to first grow their own internal, nurturing parent voice.
Many parents struggle to change the way they speak because, as children, they themselves grew up with a harsh, critical inner voice—often shaped by their own parents or by society.
If they haven't developed that voice within themselves, it's hard to genuinely express it to their children.
mbg: I think some people are scared to abandon their inner critical voice because they think, without it they'll lose their drive. So, what are the benefits of developing an inner nurturing voice? How can an inner nurturing voice actually help people in the long run?
Yamamoto: When people start to develop a more nurturing, compassionate voice inside themselves, this inner voice fosters emotional wellness and creates a powerful shift in how we relate to ourselves.
Instead of being driven by fear, shame, or self-criticism, we can learn to respond to challenges with self-compassion, patience, and encouragement. This inner support system reduces anxiety and negative self-talk, and over time, it helps build emotional resilience and deeper self-understanding.
Many people feel pressured to be successful or to meet others' expectations. But the natural voice helps us grow into who we truly are—not who we think we should be. With this voice, individuals are more likely to practice self-love, build authenticity, and gain self-confidence.
Ultimately, this leads to real personal growth—not by trying to fix ourselves but by accepting who we are and growing from that place. Nurturing this inner stability empowers people to make healthier, more meaningful choices and live with a greater sense of purpose and balance.
That, to me, is what true well-being really means.