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Why You Should Be Vulnerable: The Importance Of Talking About Yourself With Your Children
How much do we reveal about ourselves to our children? Many of us wish we knew more about those that came before us—yet don’t practice sharing our stories with our own children. Maybe it’s in part because we don’t know how, as it wasn’t modeled for us. Or maybe it's because we don’t feel deserving of that type of space.
One of the values that I hope to pass down to my children is curiosity. I want them to ask questions about themselves and be genuinely interested in others. It is easy for me to teach this by inquiring about their lives and allowing them to witness me ask about others.
However, what I realized is how easy it is to not share about myself.
I want to know about their day, their worries, their secrets, but I was revealing so little about my own. Some of my therapy clients experience this too–their children don’t truly know them outside of their role as parents.
In order to trust people, we have to know them. If we show them that we are willing to share, they will be more open to sharing with us.
Why it's so hard to share with your children
The problem is that many caregivers look at their role as providing a service—chauffeur, project manager, educator, chef—not as being in relationship, which requires revealing from both sides.
Additionally, mothers in particular are often expected to hold a lot of space, but not take it. We may not even consider interjecting about ourselves when the dinner conversation is focused on our children, we may not even be connected to that part of ourselves that has a story to tell.
The reality is, our children replicate what they see, not what they are told to do. I worked with a mother and her daughter, and in one session, the mother shared with the daughter, “I always told you to get your needs met,” and the daughter responded “but did you?”
If we want our children to be curious about themselves, we have to show that we are curious about ourselves. By revealing ourselves, it teaches them that it is their right to show themselves to the world.
Not only do I want my children to witness a woman who commands attention, I also want them to know my story. I want them to be able to say they knew me beyond composure and kindness. There is so much more I want to know about my own mother, so much I wish I knew, now that I am a mother.
So—here, in this column—one question I want to ponder with you is how do we reveal about ourselves, in developmentally appropriate ways, that don’t make our children feel pressure to take care of us, but also let them truly see and know us?
Contemplate the question: “What is my life story?” and begin to share what you find with your children
When was the last time you thought about what the story you tell yourself about who you are is? Consider the story you want them to tell about you—start by asking yourself these questions:
- What matters to you?
- How did those things/people/values come to matter?
- How did you meet your children’s co-parent?
- What does real love feel like and who taught you about it?
- What does safety feel like for you?
- What do you wish you knew as a child about your parents?
- What is your happiest memory?
- What made you feel sad?
- What are your favorite qualities about yourself?
- What made your day hard?
- What made it great?
- Who were you before you had your children and how have you changed/stayed the same?
- What lessons have your children taught you?
It can also be helpful to recall what you remember about being their specific age. For example, what did you feel and think about? How did you have fun? What crushes did you have? What did you do with your best friend? What mistakes did you make?
Depending on the age of your children, you can adjust the length and the details to be developmentally appropriate. That being said, you can even tell stories about yourself to your baby in utero–research shows that a baby can recognize your voice at this stage. It’s never too early to begin to share what’s true for you.
Consider sharing the things that feel bad/went wrong, not just your victories
It can be easy to want to paint ourselves as a hero who does the right thing. After all, we want to model positive behavior.
However, I also lean into sharing my mistakes. I want them to see me as human and feel safe bringing their own mistakes to me. For example, their focus intensifies when I share about the times time when I treated my sister poorly as a kid, and the lessons I learned along the way. They want to relate to us, and know we won’t judge them if they share their hard truths.
Many parents want their kids to tell them the truth, but their kids don’t feel like their parents can tolerate knowing it. This is a way to signal to your children that your shit stinks too, and we are all trying to figure ourselves out, no matter what stage we are at. The idea that learning is endless helps our kids feel safer about not “getting it right.”
Make a list of questions you wish you knew about your parents/ancestors
Learning about my grandparents and great grandparents helps me come home to myself.
Whenever I feel lost or pulled to behave in ways that don’t align with who I want to be, I think about my grandparents: living in a cliff town in Italy, catching fish with their hands, making all their own food, leaning into family and community. I think about the boldness of my grandmother in coming to the United States through Ellis Island or my grandpa’s first job selling peanuts at baseball games. Knowing their journeys helps me find my way.
Consider the things you wish you knew about those that came before you. Consider revealing those exact things to your own children.
Don’t only focus on stories about what you did, but about how those made you feel
The most powerful narratives that I connect with are the ones that reveal how the narrator felt. That she did something brave, but she felt scared. That they tried really hard, but their heart wasn’t in it.
When you consider what you want to share, attach the emotion you experienced while doing it or experiencing it. This allows the connection between you and your child to deepen—they begin to develop understanding of not only how you live your life, but your inner world as well.
This gives them permission to reveal their vulnerable inner workings to you and others.
Check in with them as you share
Remember that the goal of sharing isn’t to reveal every single detail, but to reveal the heart of your story. What is the nugget of truth you want to pass down?
If you ever worry that you are sharing too much, check in with your kids about how they feel knowing tidbits about you, what it’s like to see a more complete picture of you. Also, observe their reactions, does it bring you closer to one another or further apart?
Storytelling—an art form that is a part of every culture and every period in history—is an interactive experience between speaker and listener. You will learn what your children gravitate to most about who you are and what parts they want to know more about. My kids love to hear most about my silly experiences, times I felt embarrassed, and when “spooky things” happened to me. With these stories, we are not only building a stronger relationship, but we are developing a new story together.
My children will see a mother that said “I have something to say.” Through this, they are practicing the art of listening and inquiring, not just sharing.