Feeling Drained From Your Relationships? You Could Be Aging Faster
You know that person who leaves you feeling drained after every interaction? The one who creates problems, criticizes, or just makes life harder? Turns out, your body knows them too.
New research reveals these people, or as scientists call them, "hasslers, " don't just affect your mood. They may be accelerating how fast you age at the cellular level. A study published in PNAS found that each additional toxic relationship in your life is associated with aging roughly 9 months faster biologically. Keep reading for what this means for your health and what you can do about it.
What the research found
Researchers analyzed data from 4,598 participants in the Health and Retirement Study, a nationally representative sample of U.S. adults ages 50 to 80. They measured biological aging using four tools that assess how quickly your body is aging based on DNA methylation patterns. The study also measured inflammatory markers like C-reactive protein (CRP) and interleukin-6 (IL-6).
The researchers asked participants about the hasslers in their lives–people who demand too much of you, criticize you, let you down, or get on your nerves. These aren't just people who fail to support you. They are people who actively create problems or tension in your life. Researchers asked about four categories of hasslers: spouse, children, other family members, and friends.
Nearly 30% of participants reported having at least one hassler in their lives. Each additional hassler in someone's social network was associated with a 1.5% faster pace of aging and being approximately 9 months older biologically.
To put the hassler effect in perspective, it's comparable to about 1/6th of smoking's damage. Smoking is one of the most well-studied ways humans accelerate their own aging, and researchers found that having hasslers in your life corresponded to roughly 13–17% of the biological aging difference between smokers and non-smokers. This doesn't mean having a difficult relationship with someone is as bad as smoking, it's just showing that it is not trivial, especially since most people don't think of a difficult coworker or family member as something that's literally aging their body.
Family hasslers hit hardest
Kin hasslers, or family members who create problems, showed the strongest and most consistent associations with accelerated aging across all four measurements of biological age.
Interestingly, spouse hasslers showed no significant association with biological aging. The researchers suggest this might be because intimate partnerships often involve a complex mix of both support and strain. The positive aspects of a spousal relationship may buffer some of the negative effects.
However, with other family members like siblings, parents, and adult children, there's often less of that built-in support to offset the negativity. And unlike friendships or a toxic partner, you can't easily "break up" with family. This chronic, inescapable nature of family stress may be what drives the stronger effect.
The biology behind the toll
So what actually happens in your body when you're around someone who stresses you out? And why does it lead you to age faster?
Chronic interpersonal stress dysregulates your body's stress response system. When you're constantly bracing for criticism or conflict, your cortisol levels stay elevated, your nervous system stays on alert, and inflammation creeps up.
The study found associations between hasslers and higher levels of both CRP and IL-6—two inflammatory markers linked to heart disease, cognitive decline, and accelerated aging. Over time, this chronic low-grade inflammation can alter gene expression patterns, essentially programming your cells to age faster.
Who's most affected?
The study revealed some patterns in who tends to have more hasslers in their lives:
- Women were more likely to report hasslers than men
- People with adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) were more likely to have hasslers as adults
- Daily smokers and those in poorer self-rated health also reported more hasslers
It's also important to note that the researchers can't prove that hasslers cause accelerated aging, just that there is an association. It's possible that people who are in poorer health or are already aging faster perceive more negativity in their relationships. But the findings held even after controlling for factors like socioeconomic status, health behaviors, and baseline health conditions.
What you can do
It might feel like hasslers are stuck in your life forever, but creating healthy boundaries can be a way to reduce the chaos they cause in your life. Here are some tips on how to set them:
- Audit your relationships. Notice which interactions leave you energized versus depleted. Patterns matter more than one-off conflicts.
- Set boundaries without guilt. It may feel like limiting time with someone who consistently stresses you out is selfish. Reframe it as a form of self-care. And remember, you can love someone and still need space from them.
- Prioritize your supporters. The study found that supportive relationships were associated with slower aging. Invest your energy in the people who lift you up.
- Reframe boundary-setting as health behavior. We don't feel guilty about eating vegetables or going to the gym. Protecting your peace is in the same category.
The takeaway
If certain relationships consistently leave you feeling depleted, dismissed, or drained, this research suggests your body may be registering that toll, even when your mind is brushing it off.
This doesn't mean you need to cut off every difficult person in your life. But it does mean relationships deserve attention as a longevity pillar, right alongside diet, exercise, and sleep. It may not always feel like it, but your social circle is a key part of your health ecosystem.