5 Common Traits Of Middle Children + How To Use Them To Your Advantage
We've all heard the middle-child trope: Due to birth order, middle children might be more likely to feel ignored, neglected, and overshadowed by their older and younger sibling(s). But does "middle child syndrome" actually have any legitimacy? The research on it is mixed, so we asked a psychologist for the scoop.
Here's what to know about middle child syndrome, whether you're a middle child or you're raising one.
The birth order theory.
Back in the 1960s, a psychotherapist named Alfred Adler, M.D., came up with something called the Adlerian Overview of Birth Order Characteristics, which covered the characteristics of different family structures including twins, only children, and of course, the oldest, middle, and youngest children.
As Paulette Sherman, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Dating From the Inside Out explains to mbg, many of the characteristics we associate with birth order today mirror what Adler described in this early theory. They include the following:
- Firstborns: As Sherman notes, firstborns are typically thought to be "responsible, achievers, reliable, cautious, leaders and problem solvers." The theory goes that they get the most attention from parents, and as such, often have high expectations placed on them. They're expected to set an example and may feel a greater sense of responsibility to do so.
- Middle children: The kids in the middle are thought to be more likely to "have a syndrome like an inferiority complex because they lack attention and aren't the oldest or youngest," Sherman explains. Not only can this can affect their self-esteem and confidence, she says, but according to Adler's theory, it can result in them having trouble sticking up for themselves or finding their place or role. In a family with more than three children, anyone who isn't a first- or last-born is considered a middle child.
- The youngest child: According to Adler's theory, the youngest child may wind up exhibiting qualities that reflect their "baby" status, whether that's being spoiled and pampered or even self-centered and attention-craving.
First of all: Is middle child syndrome a real thing?
Since the '60s, a good amount of research has been done on Adler's birth theory and middle children, but much of it is conflicting.
When considering why middle children are the way they are, one comprehensive book by two therapists titled The Middle Generation Syndrome notes, "If there are only three children, the first gets to be the oldest and the youngest gets to be the baby. The middle child may be left out [...] The closer the children are in age, the less energy the parents may have had to give, exacerbating the problem."
And there is some research suggesting that birth order might influence personality and mental health: For example, after analyzing 404 children, one 1988 paper in the Journal of Genetic Psychology found that first-born children were less likely to suffer from depression and anxiety than middle and younger children. They also tended to report higher levels of self-esteem.
But for every study finding that birth order traits are legit, there's one that concludes they aren't.
One 2015 paper titled Examining the Effects of Birth Order on Personality states, "We consistently found no birth-order effects on extraversion, emotional stability, agreeableness, conscientiousness, or imagination [...] We must conclude that birth order does not have a lasting effect on broad personality traits outside of the intellectual domain."
In response to this research, another study, boldly titled "Settling the Debate on Birth Order and Personality," concludes that "birth order has little or no substantive relation to personality trait development and a minuscule relation to the development of intelligence."
So, middle child syndrome probably won't be a bona-fide medical diagnosis anytime soon. But that's not to say that middle children can't relate to the common traits of "middle child syndrome" or benefit from paying attention to them. Here's some background on what they are and how to use them to your advantage.
5 characteristics of a middle child:
1. They're peacemakers and pleasers.
Because their childhood might involve a degree of compromise, middle children can be people-pleasers who try to keep the peace, Sherman explains. "They're willing to negotiate," she adds—and they have to because they must learn to be both a younger sibling to the oldest and an older sibling to the youngest.
2. They're competitive.
It's not easy to feel outshone by your older sibling, and so middle children may feel a sense of competition toward them. Whether it's getting better grades, doing better at sports, or simply learning from their older sibling's mistakes so they don't make the same ones, they can feel compelled to beat out the older sibling in some way.
3. They try to fit in.
Sherman notes the middle child will often do their best to fit in because they feel like they lack a clear role in the family unit.
This thinking might go beyond the home, too, and extend to school and friend groups. They also may try to find a role or identity somewhere else if they don't feel as if they have one at home.
4. They are independent and focus on friendships.
Middle children may feel like they're "on their own," so to speak. This can cause them to feel a strong sense of independence early on, Sherman notes, as well as a larger focus on friendships outside the home.
5. They act out to get attention.
And lastly, when a middle child feels neglected or ignored, there's a chance they'll act out in one way or another for attention, Sherman notes.
They might cause a mess for seemingly no reason as a younger child or rebel in adolescence by intentionally infuriating their parents. Either way, they're looking for the attention they feel they haven't received.
Middle children in adulthood.
Despite pop culture making being a middle child seem like a huge drawback, it can actually have its advantages.
While, yes, it's difficult for a child to grow up feeling ignored, there's something to be said about having an example set by an older sibling, while also being a leader for a younger sibling.
Sherman notes that middle children can make great colleagues and team players, for example, since they tend to know how to keep the peace. The sense of independence that some middle children feel in childhood can also serve them well later in life.
Nevertheless, she adds, middle children might notice some aspects of their childhood make them grow up feeling a "lack of confidence, ignored, neglected, unimportant, or like nothing special."
Middle children can work through this by focusing on exercises to boost self-esteem and confidence.
If these feelings of neglect or exclusion are negatively affecting your life, you can always seek the help of a mental health professional.
Using being a middle child to your advantage.
According to Sherman, one of the best ways to use "middle child syndrome" to your advantage is to lean on the strengths that being a middle child gave you: "Oftentimes [middle children] need to recognize other people's needs and be patient," she says. "These can all be skills that can serve you in the world."
"Give them their own alone time and praise their accomplishments," she notes. Family therapy may also help if you notice your child is having consistent issues with rebelling or acting out.
She adds that interestingly enough, some psychologists suggest middle children are better matched with last-born kids as a partner because they can bring them out of their shell more.
If you're a middle child dating a middle child, you may need to watch out for bottling things up, she notes. The most important thing, though, is "not to leave them out or ignore them in a relationship," she says. "It is good to praise their accomplishments and to let them know that they are special" and know they may like their independence and space, she adds.
The bottom line.
Every family is different, so middle children can't always be expected to have the exact same qualities. However, anecdotally some middle children may find that their birth order has affected their personality, attachment style, and more. At the end of the day, whether you're the oldest, youngest, or middle child, know that each has its own pros and cons, and its own special place in the family unit.
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