A Psychotherapist Explains How To Prioritize Needs Within A Family

As a psychotherapist and support circle facilitator, I often sit with folks as they contemplate the fine line between where others end and they begin. "How much of my needs should be met in any relationship, and how much of theirs?" they ask me. 

Every relationship has three sets of needs: your needs, their needs, and the relationship's needs. However, there are times when these needs are opposing and therefore cannot all be fulfilled. So, what do we do when our children's needs abound (as they should!)? How do we decide which ones to meet and when to prioritize ourselves instead? 

In many different parenting circles that I am a part of, I've heard the belief that children's needs must be met 100% of the time. 

Some parents resent declining nights out with friends, canceling their massage appointment, or attending every single Little League game but choose to live with that resentment because they learned somewhere along the way that love means denying your needs and putting the needs of others before your own. 

While there may be good intentions behind this effort, it can actually have the opposite effect when we over-index on meeting their needs. Over time, this teaches them to be self-deniers. This leaves many parents in a bind, myself included. As a new mom, I was afraid of replicating my own child dynamics and therefore felt anxiety about not "showing up enough," and yet noticed that showing up all the time left me feeling depleted and irritable. 

Attachment theory, introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, is the most widely cited and sound science we have available to help us understand how we relate to others. Observations of mother/infant dynamics have been used as a basis to show us that the relationship we have with our parents or caregivers as babies impacts the types of relationships we have as adults.* This matters because the quality of our connections is a social determinant of personal health and happiness. 

Responding to our children's needs doesn't mean meeting them all. All needs must be acknowledged, but that doesn't mean we drop everything that's happening to fill them. 

Historically, I grew up as a self-denier. In my family system, it was better to not have needs than to acknowledge them because that would require me to feel the pain and deprivation associated with knowing they couldn't be met. Humans deny their needs for many reasons—receiving what we want or need can orient us to the grief of what it was like to live without, neediness gets a bad wrap in our individualistic culture, and relying on others means we can become disappointed, to name a few. 

If you had to deny your needs as a child, notice what your response to your kids' needs is. Do you respond immediately without checking in with yourself about your capacity? Do you want to run away from them but comply instead? Do you whisper to yourself, "MY GOD, I WAS SO EASY COMPARATIVELY?" 

None of these reactions are bad' however, they say more about what you need than what your kid needs. Becoming mindful of these reactions allows you to have more choice in how you respond because they help you locate where you are at first. When our giving comes from an authentic place, this translates to the receiver. 

If you are experiencing resentment in meeting your little one's needs, this is an indicator that you might be going past your limit. It's not only about complying with the need but rather the energy that we give with. 

Some research suggests that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and 7% is the actual words spoken. If you are meeting a need with a proverbial eye roll or by dragging your feet, you're actually teaching your kid to be inauthentic. It could be helpful in these moments to get clear about why you are giving. And how do you feel about that reason? 

Instead, consider honoring the need by validating how it deserves to be there, being clear about your inability to meet the need in that moment, and making a plan for the future. 

Sometimes when we want to say no but feel guilty about it and therefore say yes, we act in ways that do more harm than giving a clean and simple "not right now" would. 

For example, we might say yes to them (and therefore no to ourselves) so many times that we find ourselves feeling depleted and yelling and snapping at the end of the day (which is sometimes the only option for parents who live in a society that doesn't offer them the privilege of free or affordable child care support). Or we'll sneak out when the babysitter arrives because we don't want to have to face our children's negative emotions about us leaving. Another common response is we'll say something like "after all I've done for you!" which indicates that we met their needs in order to not have to feel the lack of our own needs being met in our lives.

Giving from a site of depletion, hoping someone recognizes and gives back to you, can have a backlash effect over time, making our children feel responsible for meeting our needs because we aren't taking responsibility for meeting our own. 

Track resentment

Resentment is an emotion that is actually a function of envy. You might not be mad because your kids have so many needs; you might actually be envious that they are so comfortable with owning their needs. 

In these moments, it might be helpful to ask yourself: What do I need that I feel fear/judgment about asking for? Who can I sit with to help me work through the barriers to getting my own needs met? 

Quality over quantity 

It's not the number of yeses; it's how those yeses feel to you and your kid. Research shows that for young children, just five to 10 minutes daily of child-directed play can strengthen the bond between parent and child.