Infatuation vs. Love: How To Tell If You're Just Infatuated
Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
Pop culture ideals like "love at first sight" and "when you know, you know" can sound super romantic, but in reality, these concepts conflate love and infatuation—two very distinct feelings that often get confused.
What is infatuation?
Infatuation is a strong feeling of attraction, fascination, and fixation toward someone, often without actually knowing them that well. Although it often feels very intense, infatuation tends to be based more on physical attraction and an imagined fantasy about who this person is, according to Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist.
"When I think of infatuation, I think of someone who has a strong attraction to a person they don't know well," Fogel Mersy explains. 'It can also involve rejecting information that goes against the fantasy, such as ignoring red flags or early signs of incompatibility."
Someone who is infatuated is constantly thinking about that person, Fogel Mersy adds. The feeling tends to form very quickly after meeting someone, says licensed mental health counselor Grace Suh, LMHC, LPC, and the infatuated person may feel like they've found "the one" even though they've just met them.
Signs of infatuation:
- You're constantly thinking about this person.
- You haven't had that many real interactions or deep conversations with each other yet, yet you already have strong feelings for them.
- You feel like this person is basically perfect, or the "ideal" partner.
- You feel like this person is a "perfect match" for you.
- You feel vaguely "obsessed" with this person.
- You're very physically attracted to this person, and it can sometimes distract you from exploring other facets of this person.
- You don't know the person that well on an actual personal level.
- Most of what you know about the person is surface level, based on appearance, or based on their behavior in a group setting.
- Most of what you know about this person is the same stuff that any acquaintance might know about them.
- Most of what you know about the person is from hearsay or social media, not from actual conversations or experiences you've had with each other.
- You fantasize about this person, despite not knowing them on a personal level yet.
- You feel a little disappointed when the person doesn't meet your expectations, or you shrug it off as just a fluke.
- You ignore early signs of incompatibility that go against your fantasy.
- You're very concerned about impressing this person and having them see you in a positive light.
- You are overjoyed by the idea of "having" this person or being "chosen" by them.
- You're forming strong feelings for this person very quickly—almost as if you knew instantly.
- Everything is moving super quickly, and you're hitting (or wanting to hit) relationship milestones as fast as possible.
Infatuation vs. love.
Whereas infatuation tends to happen very quickly and involves a strong attraction, love is a much deeper experience of knowing someone fully, feeling bonded and close to them, and caring about them in a way that's both enduring and not centered around how they make you feel.
"Love is more than just a feeling," Suh says. "It requires some knowledge about the person and being able to love despite knowing that their loved one is flawed and imperfect. Love is not self-serving but the willingness to sacrifice and/or compromise."
Fogel Mersy puts it this way: "Loving someone means knowing them. Love is a form of intimacy, and intimacy requires being known and seen."
Does infatuation turn into love?
Infatuation does not always turn into love—sometimes it stays that way until the relationship comes to a close, either because the object of infatuation fails to live up to the fantasy or because they don't reciprocate the feelings. That said, infatuation can turn into love sometimes.
"Infatuation may turn into love if you are able to accept the disappointment and willing to give rather than self-serve," Suh explains. "Infatuation is self-serving because you feel good fantasizing about the person, but the reality is that this person who you think is perfect is probably not perfect. If you are able to give, sacrifice, and compromise with the person you are infatuated with [with] joy and willingness, yes, it can certainly turn into love."
How long does infatuation last in a relationship?
Infatuation usually happens immediately after meeting someone for the first time, Suh explains. But there's not really a set amount of time that it lasts in every relationship. Infatuation is most distinct in the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, which lasts a few weeks for some couples and a few months or even years for others.
Rather than thinking about how long the infatuation stage might be, Suh recommends considering how long it takes to progress to the next stage of the relationship. (Here's more on how long it takes to fall in love.)
Is infatuation a bad thing?
Infatuation is not necessarily a bad thing, according to Fogel Mersy. "It just requires getting to know someone more intimately for it to grow into love."
But infatuation can be unhealthy in extremes, Suh notes. "When you are infatuated, it probably means that you really like their appearance and [feel] sexually/physically attracted to them intensely. It is important to have sexual/physical attraction toward someone to develop a romantic relationship," she says. "But if infatuation becomes an obsession with unrealistic expectations and demanding perfection, yes, it becomes bad."
The bottom line.
Infatuation can be a normal part of the early stages of getting to know someone or of a new relationship. It feels very intense, which is why many people confuse infatuation with love (just like they do love and lust). Infatuation can also be present in the process of falling in love, and in healthy amounts, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
"If infatuation turns bidirectional, with the sense of security from both parties, you're off a good start," Suh says.
Just remember to take your time, really invest in getting to know the person you're with—flaws and all—and maybe wait until the rose-colored glasses come off before making any big decisions.
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