A Therapists Asks: When Did Parenting Become About Bettering?
In mindbodygreen's parenting column, Parenthetical, mbg parenting contributor, psychotherapist, and writer Lia Avellino explores the dynamic, enriching, yet often complicated journey into parenthood. In today's installment, Avellino explores constant self-improvement.
Almost every parent I meet is “working on” themselves to become a better parent. As a psychotherapist and mom, I am so inspired by peoples’ willingness to self-examine and make positive changes that impact their children’s lives and generations to come.
However, I am also noticing that this leads caregivers to associate their role with more “work," on top of an already full plate.
Recent surveys indicate that nearly 40% of parents report being “so stressed they can’t function.”
This constant self-reflection and complete willingness to change is the opposite way that many of us were raised. Many of our parents had an “I am who I am, take it or leave it” approach. Maybe this ethos didn’t feel good to us growing up, and so now we want to prioritize our children’s experience.
Yet, in this process of endless self improvement we may be losing touch with who we are and what we authentically know.
Here are 5 questions you can ask yourself when you’re deciding if you want to change and work on something—or if you need to practice accepting yourself.
Have you examined what’s happening for you before you go into fix it mode?
Oftentimes when we are seeking a script on how to parent, it’s coming from a place of fear. We don’t know what to do, we are struggling, or believe something bad will happen if we don’t make a change.
Before hopping to the solution, consider if you truly understand the “problem.”
For example, when I noticed being triggered by my kid’s big emotions, before I reached for how to react to them, I looked at what it felt like for me to be around her. I realized that she triggered me because she was the mouthpiece for a lot of anger that I wasn’t able to express. Through this self-reflection, I realized that there was nothing that I needed to fix.
But I did need to practice expressing myself in bigger ways, so I wasn’t triggered by her bigness.
Are you trying to mimic a person that you’re not?
It can be both helpful and harmful to follow a parenting guru. While learning new ways of thinking and understanding can be supportive, it can also miss our kids because it’s not coming out of a genuine place within ourselves.
In the past, I followed the classic anger script. In essence was telling my kid (in a serious voice) that she was allowed to be angry but she couldn’t throw things that could hurt people.
Even though my words were giving her permission, my energy was not.
Children can sense when we are authentic. Consider if the “script” you're following is actually something you believe in, something that feels like it is true to your cultural background, your values, and the way you live your life.
Maybe what you need to change is not how you relate to your kid, but first, how you relate to yourself.
What’s your “why” for change?
Sometimes we are throwing interventions at the wall to see what sticks, but they aren’t connected to our reason for wanting the change in the first place.
- Consider your motivation for making the changes you want to make, which of the laundry list of improvement projects feels most essential?
- How do you want to feel when you make this change?
- How do you want your children to relate to you after this change is made?
Giving yourself space to envision the closeness, visualize the harmony, and connecting with the desire that is motivating change, can ensure it comes from your heart, not just your head, thus landing more deeply with your children.
What, of the parts of yourself that you don’t like, can you practice accepting?
Radical acceptance is part of the change process. If we are at odds with a part of ourselves or our children, it’s going to be very hard to create sustainable change. The parts we reject tend to behave like stubborn adolescents, sticking their heels in the mud even deeper when they feel forced or rejected.
Consider the things you wish were different about your parenting: maybe you wish you were more patient, you screamed less, you listened more.
Now, take a moment to respect why you don’t do these things: someone screamed at you as a child, you have too much on your plate, you’re sad and haven’t had space to feel it.
Wrap that part of you in compassion and care, telling it that you understand why it’s there and allow it to feel how it feels. Build a relationship with that part, so you can let it know you’re curious about what it has to say and why it might be acting out in this way.
Engaging in the process of accepting the part, allowing it to exist, is the first step to transforming it. Any behavior that serves an emotional purpose will continue until it is validated and feels safe enough to change–we have to find other tools that are less harmful to us and others. Remember that acceptance doesn’t have to mean “like,” you can dislike the part and still learn about what it’s trying to tell you.
What would it be like to consider the ways your children will benefit from you being you?
In the era of self-work, we can neglect to see and appreciate the parts of us that are working quite well. I remember sharing with a mentor, after the birth of my first baby, that I was worried I was too extroverted, that I was socializing with my baby strapped to my chest, too often.
She reminded me “Lia, you are YOU, and that is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.”
Remember the gems that you do bring, consider which of these you want them to carry with them as a result of being raised by you, and how you might highlight the sides of yourself that you love and you think they may benefit from.
How might self-work be preventing you from connecting to the fun of parenting?
A lot of our children’s negative behaviors are calls for more connection.
Sometimes when I am more invested in teaching my kids a lesson, I am not actually connecting with them—the stuff that’s necessary for them to digest the lesson.
There is a time for teaching and there is a time for playing. How might you lean into new ways of connection—new games, new rituals—that are totally separate from the things you want to change in your family?
The takeaway
Self-reflection and being willing to change are important parts of becoming the parents we want to be. But when we are constantly working and “trying,” we may be disconnected from the strategies we are employing and we may not be noticing the things that we are doing well/having enough fun with our kids. Taking time to examine where the desire for change comes from and how to ensure that change feels true to you, can create more internal harmony and harmony within your family.