Why Do People Keep Leaving Me? How To Stop The Pattern Of Abandonment
Today, I want to talk about a topic that's common and can also be very painful—it's the experience of partners, lovers, or people you're dating distancing themselves from you.
Maybe you've experienced this "distancing" after you get close to someone or commit to being in a relationship? Maybe it comes after you show your vulnerability or start having sex? Whatever the circumstances are, if you've been there, you know this pattern is not fun. That's why I want to help you out of it: by explaining why this pattern occurs and what you can do to shift it so you can create the love you want.
Your expectations matter
The first thing I want you to know about why partners distance themselves from you is this: It can't happen without you holding an expectation that it's going to happen.
If you believe people are going to distance themselves from you or leave you, then it's going to happen. How come? Because we're creating our realities from the inside out. We create with our energy and beliefs.
We're all born into families that have very particular belief systems and relationship patterns. We come into the world and we're surrounded by these patterns, these energies, that our families hold. And in that, we take on their beliefs.
The experiences we have when we're young also create beliefs within us. And so it's this combination—your family's beliefs and your early experiences—that comprise your current belief system when it comes to relationships.
Once you have a belief system in place, you start attracting people and circumstances that match that belief system. In other words, you start playing out the same patterns that you were surrounded by and/or that you experienced when you were young.
So, if you had the early experience of someone distancing themselves from you or leaving you—or if anyone in your family had that experience—it's likely you believe that this experience is going to happen again. And because you believe this, you automatically re-create the experience in your relationships today.
This is why we get caught in the pattern of choosing people who distance themselves from us—because we're creating our realities from the inside out. We attract people who match what we believe about ourselves and relationships.
How can you change the pattern?
It only takes one simple step.You must dissociate yourself from the belief that you're going to be left or abandoned in relationships.
You have to pull back from this experience and see that it is actually just a belief system that you've taken on. It's an energy, or an identification you're carrying (I'm always the one who gets left in relationships). And that's the reason you're caught in this pattern—possibly the only reason.
By seeing the belief system for what it is, you'll automatically start to dissociate yourself from it. It will naturally happen. You'll realize that "being left" is not the truth about you. It's an experience that you had, but it doesn't define you.
From a spiritual perspective, the ultimate truth about you is that you are whole, loved, and perfect. Through this lens, you can never be left. Love can never leave you. As you integrate this deeper truth of who you are, you'll no longer experience yourself as the person who gets left. And when this happens, the pattern will come to an end. You'll no longer have to play it out.
The biggest step to overcoming the pattern of being distanced from in relationships is seeing that it's simply a belief you're carrying, and recognizing that it isn't the ultimate truth about you. When you truly see this, you change. And therefore, your world and relationships change, too.
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to relationships. She has worked with thousands of clients on improving their relationships with others and themselves, and she's also the instructor of the popular mindbodygreen courses How To Become The Most Attractive Version Of Yourself and How To Attract A Partner.