How To Have A Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship, From Family Therapists

Most people understand co-parenting to be when parents have divorced or separated but continue to work together to raise their children. This sounds good in theory, but what do you do when you don't have a good relationship with your former partner, or you can't figure out how to make it work? How do you manage when issues or conflicts arise? What are the rules to effectively and successfully co-parent?

According to family therapist Chautè Thompson, LMHC, co-parenting is collaborating in raising a child with another parent in a way that focuses on what is best for the child. The most common example of co-parenting happens in the wake of a breakup, separation, or divorce of a romantic partnership, but the term can also be used to describe any two individuals jointly raising a child, even if they are not necessarily the biological parents or have not been romantically involved, such as a single parent raising a child with a grandparent or other relative. Co-parenting can be informal or legally formalized through a co-parenting custody agreement or parenting plan.

Co-parenting requires flexibility, patience, open and consistent communication, and a willingness on the part of both parents to negotiate, compromise, and be resilient because you won't always get your way. This can be especially difficult to manage when a romantic relationship with the other parent ends, especially when the relationship ends badly. However, if you and your co-parent are on sufficiently decent terms, then co-parenting can yield many benefits.

According to Commiato, the first thing you need to remember when co-parenting is that your child's best interests come first.

"Despite how much you like/dislike your ex, you must be on the same page regarding the children. This includes the good things (celebrations, parties, holidays, etc.) and the more challenging things like behavior, consequences, and accountability," she adds.

Conflict-free, regular, and consistent communication with your co-parent are key components of successful co-parenting. Reminding yourself that your children's well-being always comes first will help you stay focused and intentional in your communications with your co-parent.

A hallmark of any successful co-parenting partnership is one wherein the parents have managed to set their feelings and emotions about each other aside to focus on the development, well-being, and care of their child. To achieve this, co-parents must commit to being on their best behavior with each other and especially in the presence of the children. Children won't understand if you treat their other parent, who they also love and care about, in negative or disrespectful ways.

Managing expectations is part of our daily lives, but it is even more crucial in co-parenting as it helps remove the possibility of unnecessary conflict or the potential for misunderstanding to arise.

Smooth and successful co-parenting requires organization and planning, including establishing a set schedule and alignment on rules, consequences, and discipline. While it is normal for children to navigate different living environments and norms, which fosters adaptability and resilience, it is also ideal to establish a fundamental set of shared expectations in both homes to maintain stability and avoid confusion in your children.

It is unrealistic to expect that rules will be identical across two households, but if you and your co-parent establish unified rules and guidelines, children will more easily navigate living and thriving in two households as well as transitioning between them.

Setting similar chores, bedtimes, mealtime routines, and screen time limitations (among other activities) helps children feel a sense of comfort in both homes and can reduce stress because there is a familiarity in the pattern of life in both households.

Creating a custody calendar that lays out when the child is with each parent can help remove ambiguity and unpleasant surprises around holidays or school breaks with respect to where the child will spend time. Thompson adds that it is healthy for children to know the schedule of when they will be with each parent to reduce stress.

"Co-parenting means you and your ex [are] working together for the children. Decisions, events, consequences, expectations, etc., are made together. In co-parenting, there is a level of respect and understanding for the other co-parent," Commiato explains. "However, parallel parenting is the opposite. With parallel parenting, there is a barrier between the two of you."

Parallel parenting is a parenting method where each parent has their own independent parenting style, and strict and clear boundaries are established. Each parent sets their own rules and utilizes their own unique parenting style when the children are with them. In general, everything is separate, including school events, appointments, and other gatherings.

Commiato notes that parallel parenting usually emerges when negative emotions are getting in the way of parenting. To reduce the potential for conflict, most communication is done in writing, and there is minimal direct interaction between the parents.

Despite the complexities of parallel parenting, there are instances when it is the better alternative—for example, when your co-parent is a narcissist or another difficult personality type.

"Taking care of yourself is first and foremost. Make sure you have support. Go to therapy if needed," Thompson says.

Commiato adds, "This no longer has anything to do with the narcissist; it has everything to do with recognizing that they no longer have power and control over you. Focus on the children, and do what is best for the children."

It is inevitable that you and your ex will disagree at times along your co-parenting journey, but if you can maintain a level of respect for each other and prioritize communication with each other, you will find a way forward. However, if you've exhausted other options, then seeking a counselor, therapist, mediator, or avenues via the legal system are also useful ways to help resolve conflict.

Co-parenting is often involved with the legal system, through the creation of custody agreements and court-mandated visitation schedules, among other things, which can be useful when things really aren't working out at the informal level. For instance, if you need to file for sole custody or establish a more legal framework for your custody arrangement, you will need to seek advice from a lawyer who practices child and family law.

Most parents want the best for their kids, and there is no cookie-cutter approach to parenting when a relationship ends. It is possible to set differences aside to create a co-parenting plan that works for everyone involved, and when that is not possible, taking advantage of legal resources and tools is a good option as well.