Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this weekly advice column, Psalm brings her expertise to sexual and relationship issues most people face at one time or another. If you want to ask Psalm your questions (anonymously), email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Question: When my husband is performing oral on me I find myself getting to the edge of what I think is a climax and freaking out, unable to relax. I tell him to stop. We have been married over 10 years and I still feel frigid. I don't know how to push past it.
You're not alone. A lot of women have a hard time relaxing during oral. There are two common reasons for this.
1. They're uncomfortable with their vagina and just feel anxious when someone comes face-to-face with it.
2. It's an intimacy issue. Oral sex is way more intimate than regular, penetrative intercourse.
Let's tackle the vagina (known as yoni in Sanskrit) issue first. You need to love your yoni. If you don't think it's pretty, know this—it doesn't bother your husband. A man cares more about how you feel when he's with you or how he makes you feel when he's pleasuring you than anything else.
How to start loving your vagina:
Don't be self-conscious about the shape, size, or color; don't compare yours to porn star vaginas. Porn stars bleach their skin, undergo surgical treatments to make their labia smaller and their skin tighter. It's unrealistic and not necessary. No man expects you to look like a Barbie Doll, and since you've been with your husband for 10 years and he still wants to go down on you, my guess is that he is perfectly happy with your yoni.
Bottom line: Put your big girl panties on (or take them off!) and get over it.
Women were created to receive. Lean into your feminine side. Allow him to worship you and your yoni. To get more comfortable with your vagina and your femininity, I encourage you to masturbate more and get into a goddess frame of mind.
Here are two exercises to try.
1. Unleash your inner goddess.
One way to unleash your inner goddess is through my OYoga workout. The moves were created to activate your sexual energy. This helps your feminine energy start to flow through the whole body.
If you want to start small, try this simple OYoga move:
Stand with your feet hip-distance apart and put your hands on your hips. Make micro-circles with your hips in both directions. As you do that, squeeze your Kegel muscles to really pump up your feminine energy. Add in hip tilts—front and back—to really get your juices flowing.
2. Practice breathing into orgasmic feelings.
The next time your husband wants to pleasure you orally, try some tantric breathing techniques to, as you say, "push past" your "freak-out" mode. Try to begin to see oral sex as a form of worship. Allow him to worship you as the goddess you are.
When you get to the edge of climax, breathing deeply will help you push the orgasmic feelings through your mind and body. Let the breath out and let it all go. The moment you start to feel comfortable is the moment to engage the breathing. It's like athletes running a marathon—they all say they hit this wall where they can't go any further, but in that moment they make the conscious decision to push past it and once they do, they break through the other side and enjoy that endorphin rush.
These practical tools are a great place to begin, but at this point, the root issue remains. We have to address that before you can truly heal.
I have some questions for you:
- Do you only feel this discomfort and anxiety with oral sex?
- Can you enjoy other forms of sex?
- Do you see control issues manifesting in other areas of your life?
- Have you ever had a traumatic experience when you climaxed during oral in the past?
Start exploring the potential emotional and psychological reasons you might be "freaking out" when you near orgasm through oral. I once had a client who had a similar issue. She was only able to enjoy sex when it was extremely hard and she didn't enjoy oral either. For her, sex was a way of numbing out an overactive mind and past trauma.
Harder sex was also a way for her to avoid other issues in her relationship. It was an escape. It felt less intimate than lovemaking, tantric sex, or the pleasures of oral. It was hard for her to relax and receive. She ultimately ended up getting divorced from that partner and found that she didn't have any sexual intimacy issues with her next partner, who was a better match for her in and out of the bedroom.
Be honest with yourself and with your partner about what is going on in the relationship. Your sex life is a reflection of your romantic life. If things aren't going right in your relationship, it's hard to make it right in the bedroom.