Why Are People So Uncomfortable With Strong Women? Here’s What The Research Says

We’re in a moment in the cultural zeitgeist that seems to be embracing—and dare we say even celebrating—strong women. And we see this in all areas of strength. 

At the gym, women are picking up weights to build strong bodies. With food and nutrition, women are adding more to their diet, focusing on foods that fuel their bodies rather than shrink it. At the office, women are holding more positions of power and advocating for their worth. In day-to-day life, women are taking up more space, allowing themselves to ask for what they want, and enjoying it all the while. 

And seeing this evolution has been inspiring and enlightening, for myself and I’m sure many other women who have not always seen “strength” embraced with celebration. 

While society and gender equality have made significant strides, the unfortunate truth is that women have a harder time in positions of power than men do. 

This bears out in research: A Yale 2021 study found that women aren’t promoted as frequently as men (despite receiving better performance ratings) because managers underestimated their leadership potential. Other research finds that “likeability” and “success” often have an inverse relationship for women. And that “assertiveness” is often mistaken for “aggressiveness” in women1. 

But when I spoke to experts about why this happens, the answer isn’t so straightforward. It’s not that people outright dislike women in power—in fact, a lot of people say they want more examples of strong women or women in leadership positions. Rather, it’s actually a combination of several factors that make “strength” a more challenging quality to display as a woman. 

“We're a little less familiar with women in these jobs or these positions of power,” notes Alice Eagly, Ph.D., emeritus professor of psychology at Northwestern University. Her work has looked into gendered dynamics at the workplace, and how women’s upward trajectory can be stunted by the myriad of obstacles (she likens this to a labyrinth, rather than a glass ceiling). “But that’s changing as we see so many women excelling at these jobs. When there are more women, those women educate the public that this is OK. So people are constantly being educated because they see women in these roles.” 

“I think people are intimidated by strong women largely in part because of their own insecurities,” she says. “Often people perceive their strength as being problematic because it challenges their views of their own success.” 

This push-back and obstacles are even more apparent for black women and women of marginalized groups. 

“Being a Black woman, I believe that Black women and women of other marginalized groups reside at a very busy intersection of racism, sexism, and classism,” says Stevens. “And so black women and other marginalized groups have to experience the ‘strong women' phenomena very uniquely different from two other subgroups.”

She adds that this stress is exacerbated by the plethora of expectations Black women have to meet on a daily basis. 

Women are often less incentivized to display “strong” characteristics or openly embrace positions of power, as this is often met with challenges to their authority. 

“Studies show that when women exhibit stereotypically masculine traits—such as assertiveness—we are less liked when compared with our male counterparts,” says Stevens.

“Or if you look at anger: In the workplace, education, or even sometimes at home, men receive a boost in their perceived status after expressing anger. When women express anger in these same environments, we are seen as less competent and more emotional.”

Adds Stevens, “When women do act more assertively, I believe we are breaking the feminine stereotypes that have become essential for female likability.” 

This creates a complex dynamic that women have to navigate day-to-day.  

“There are more dynamics women need to be aware of,” says Eagly. “In terms of gender stereotypes, we see men as the assertive, decisive sex—and women as the kinder, nicer sex. So for women, there are dangers for her if she starts ordering everyone around. Maybe a guy could get away with it, because people will think: Oh well that’s just the way guys are, right? But if a woman used that style—dominant, assertive, and the do-it-my-way attitude—that would just not work for a woman. She’d get a lot of resistance.”

Instead of showing open and outward displays of strength (as men are often encouraged to do), women have to be extra mindful about how they navigate these complex dynamics. This means women often have to balance the line between appearing strong and soft, assertive and understanding, or confident and humble. 

Thus for women, “strength” becomes a balancing act. 

“It becomes a constant game of fitting in. Women have to constantly ask themselves ‘What mask or facade do I have to put on in this environment to be accepted and liked?’” says Stevens. “So not only do women need to work harder to be assessed at the same level of competence as men, but we also need to work differently. We have to really tread a very fine line between masculinity and femininity. When men only have to worry about masculinity.”

And while this means women have to work smarter to weave through this dynamic, Eagly notes that it often makes for a better, stronger leader.

“It’s not weak to smile. It's not a bad thing to be considerate or think of the other person's feelings,” says Eagly. “These qualities make things go smoothly, and so there's nothing wrong with them.”

And, too, strength is also when you are vulnerable—particularly for women of color.

“I’m passionate about debunking the ‘strong black women’ myth, because sometimes strength looks like acknowledging that you can’t do it all,” says Stevens. “I tell this to clients every single day—male or female, any race, and all ages—you have to know when you need a break.” 

And ultimately, the thing you should worry most about is finding the strength to be authentically you.