6 Ways To Make Meaningful Connections This Week, From A Happiness Researcher
What if the fastest path to feeling happier this week is a simple 15-minute conversation?
I had happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D. on the mindbodygreen podcast recently, and this is the conclusion she arrived to in her new book, How To Feel Loved. She's spent her career running happiness interventions, testing practices like writing gratitude letters, doing acts of kindness, or simply chatting with the barista. And what she's found, across almost all of the interventions that actually work, is the same underlying mechanism of making us feel more connected and more loved.
Here are six things you can do starting today to feel more connected and, as a result, measurably happier.
1. Adopt the radical curiosity mindset
Lyubomirsky calls "social curiosity" one of the most powerful gifts you can give another person. The idea is simple: be genuinely curious about the people around you. Ask one more question than you normally would. Then actually listen to the answer.
Think about the last time someone was genuinely curious about you. It felt good, right? Lyubomirsky says that feeling of being seen and heard is a direct step toward feeling loved. And the beautiful thing is, you can create that feeling for someone else today, in any conversation.
The key word is genuine. You can't fake curiosity and expect it to land. But if you go in with real interest, even if you have to work at it a little at first, it tends to become real.
2. Do three acts of kindness in one day
Lyubomirsky's lab has done extensive research on acts of kindness, and one of her most consistent findings is that doing something kind for others produces longer-lasting happiness than doing something nice for yourself. Even when the comparison is something genuinely enjoyable, like getting a massage or eating a piece of chocolate, versus helping out a friend. The social connection and health benefits of showing up for others run deeper than most of us realize.
Her recommended dose? Three acts of kindness in one day, once a week, for a month. "I like to do it all in one day because it's more powerful," she said. "So like, every Tuesday for the next month, do three acts of kindness."
And these acts don't have to be big. Grab an extra coffee for a colleague. Text a friend to say you're grateful for them.
"I'm a big fan of giving people authentic compliments, and we don't do that enough," she says about her own kindness practices, noting that people are often stunned to receive one because it happens so rarely.
3. Text someone out of the blue
Think of an old friend, a former colleague, someone you haven't talked to in a while. Send them a text. Tell them you've been thinking about them, that you're glad they're in your life, or that you're grateful for something specific they did.
We tend to assume reaching out after a long gap will feel awkward, but Lyubomirsky says the research shows the opposite. People love hearing from someone out of the blue.
"Imagine if you got a text today from an old friend," she said. "You'd probably be really happy." It takes 30 seconds, and the impact on the other person is outsized.
4. Have a deeper conversation (skip the small talk)
Lyubomirsky recently did a five-minute TED Talk on the single thing you can do to be happier tomorrow. She suggests that having a 15-minute conversation with someone (a real one, with no small talk) can make a big difference.
In practice, this looks like sharing a little more of yourself than you normally would. "When someone says, 'How are you?' don't just say, 'Fine,' which we do 99% of the time," she told me. Be honest about how you're feeling, then ask a deeper question back. You don't have to go straight to life's big themes, but nudging the conversation even slightly below the surface creates connection in a way that surface-level exchanges simply can't.
Lyubomirsky's core insight here is that feeling loved requires being known. And you can't be known if you're only showing people your polished, impressive side. "We all walk around with these walls around us," she said. "They're there for a reason, but they also really prevent people from letting others in."
5. Listen like you're watching a film
Most of us think we're good listeners, but most of us aren't. Lyubomirsky shared a study showing that people's minds wander at least 25% of the time when they're trying to listen. This means we're not really taking in what the other person is saying, but already formulating our response.
She calls this "listening to respond" versus "listening to learn." The fix she recommends is to think of listening like watching a movie. When you're watching a film, you're not rehearsing what you'll say next. You're just taking it in. That's the mode to aim for in conversation. Put down the mental mic. Let the other person's words actually land.
6. Go first
If you're feeling like someone in your life doesn't make you feel loved enough, Lyubomirsky's advice isn't to wait for them to change. Instead, she suggests taking the initiative to make them feel loved.
"If you don't feel loved by someone, the first step is you go first and you try to make them feel loved first," she explained. The reciprocity norm, she says, is one of the strongest in human behavior. When you genuinely invest in someone, most of the time, they'll invest back.
This isn't a magic fix for solving your relationships. But to Lyubomirsky, it's an empowering way to feel more control over your relationships. "You don't need to change yourself, and you don't need to change the other person. You just need to change the conversation."
The takeaway
Connection is the common thread running through almost every happiness intervention that actually works. And it's easy to integrate into your life. Pick one of these six things and try it this week. The science says it'll make you happier.