Transitions Are Hard On Everyone, But Especially Kids — Here's How To Help Them Deal

The age old adage says change is hard. It can be especially tricky for children, as most of them thrive off some level of structure and routine.

Micro shifts (like leaving the house for school or going from play time to bedtime) or larger shifts (like starting in a new school or neighborhood) are challenging because it requires them to go from something known and predictable to something unknown and therefore scary.

Anything unknown, prompts us to feel a loss of control—many children already defer so much power to adult authority figures, that more losses in autonomy can also be infuriating. They are not alone: As adults, we too seek predictability, because it feels safe.

Transitions are difficult because as we leave one thing and enter another—a new season, a new school, a new house—we have to give up something (security) in order to enter a new phase (positive or negative possibility).

From winter, we might give up alone time, to enter a more outward and social energy of spring. When having a new baby, we may have to give up solitude for togetherness and constant dependency. Even the best changes often bring up a mix of anxiety and grief.

A young child may experience this acutely, when he has to stop having fun playing with his parents and get dressed for school. While his tears and tantrum might be hard to tend to when we need to get out the door, they make sense—he is losing the connection and safety of that moment for the unpredictable twists and turns of the school day.

These emotions are characteristic of most new experiences. Consider your first day of work; while you may have been happy to have a job, you also might have been scared about if your boss would like you or if you would be good at it.

Trying to convince our kids that they should feel something else (i.e.,“Don’t be scared, you’re so good at making new friends!") can sometimes make the transitory period worse, as it invalidates their current emotions. Anything that convinces someone out of the state they are in often makes them feel misunderstood, and ignites a stronger pushback.

Instead, it can be helpful to name the emotion. Try saying something like, “it seems like you’re feeling really angry about starting a new afterschool." Then give it permission, acknowledging that “it’s totally ok to feel angry about this, it’s a big deal.”

Once the peak of the emotions have passed (say, maybe later that day or even week) spend some time paying attention to the ending together.

We tend to rush through endings, because they are painful, but the most effective way to move through them is to slow down. 

Many parents have a hard time allowing their children to feel negative emotions. It’s easier to want them to be “happy,” because when they experience sadness or anger, we have to feel it too. Or at least make space for their big emotion.

But if we don’t allow them to experience these emotions, they won’t be able to confidently feel them as they get older. Change and the losses that come with transitions are a normal part of life—allowing our kids to be angry that vacation ended, but still requiring them to go to school, allows them to borrow confidence from us.

If there is a change we know is coming, I like to prepare children for this change by talking about it in advance. As adults, we sometimes prefer to “surprise” our kids with these changes because we don’t want to upset them beforehand. For deeply feeling kids, this may make the transition harder because they will feel very out of control in the moment. 

So for example, when my 4-year-old daughter was starting a new after school program, a few weeks before it began I told her about the change, allowed her to ask questions, express her anger and her fear, and then supported her in resourcing. We painted worry stones beforehand, picked a transition object (a stuffed animal) to bring along to comfort her, and named that it would probably feel scary for a while—not because it is bad, but because it is new.