Yes, Men Can Get Emotional After Sex Too
Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
Traditional gender norms hold that women can be pretty emotional about sex, getting attached to the people they sleep with and perhaps even feeling sadness or otherwise complicated emotions after a sexual tryst. That's why women apparently don't like casual sex, according to tired stereotypes. Men, on the other hand, always want sex and are always elated when they get to have it (and usually just fall asleep afterward happy and content).
As usual, these stereotypes can be pretty harmful, not only because they're prescriptive (tell a woman to fret about sex enough times and she probably will, right?) but because those who fall outside those expectations can be left feeling abnormal or even ashamed for not fitting the mold. These gendered myths are also far from accurate: Plenty of research shows women enjoy casual sex without any qualms about it, and now a recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy shows men can get emotional or even sad after sex too.
After surveying over 1,200 men (most of whom were straight), researchers found 41 percent of men had experienced post-sex blues in their lifetime, and 20 percent had experienced it in the last four weeks. About 3 percent reported experiencing it regularly, and 4 percent said they experienced these negative emotions after sex most or all of the time.
Why some people feel sad after sex.
If you've ever felt inexplicably depressed, frustrated, or distressed after having otherwise great and consensual sex, you've experienced what's known as post-coital dysphoria. PCD can be a bewildering experience, especially if you just had an orgasm, because it feels like you're responding to something enjoyable and physically pleasurable in a negative way—and you don't really know why.
"There is still much to be discovered about why some people experience post-coital dysphoria and others don't," clinical sexologist and psychotherapist Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., tells mbg. "There isn't a definitive answer for why some do or do not experience this dysphoria. It isn't necessarily linked to the quality of sex, your relationship, or your personality. Many people who are in a happy, supportive, and loving relationship experience post-coital dysphoria."
Some possible contributing factors? The study also surveyed men about any symptoms of psychological distress they were currently experiencing, any past abuse they'd experienced, and any sexual dysfunction. All three were associated with PCD, with psychological distress playing the biggest role.
How men experience post-coital dysphoria.
Prior to this study, PCD had been well-documented among women for years, but the phenomenon had never been studied among men. And yet, these results show PCD might very well be a fairly common experience among guys.
"Post-coital dysphoria may take form in different ways than sadness or distress," Dr. Overstreet says. "It can also be feelings of anger and frustration, which is often the way men show what they are feeling."
That isn't to say crying after sex is off the table for guys. Here are some of the ways men described their emotions following sex to the researchers:
- "Hard to quantify but after sexual activity I get a strong sense of self-loathing about myself; usually I'll distract myself by going to sleep or going and doing something else or occasionally lying in silence until it goes away."
- "I feel a lot of shame."
- "I usually have crying fits and full-on depressive episodes follow[ing] coitus that leave my significant other worried, and every once in a while she has crying spells after the act, but hers are rarer. Because I typically don't want my partner worried, however, sometimes I hold in the sadness for hours until she leaves as we do not live together, and I sometimes have negative feelings, which are difficult to describe."
"In Western cultures, males face a range of expectations and assumptions about their preferences, performance, and experience of sexual activity," the researchers explain in the paper. "All sexual activity is commonly believed to be accompanied by a sense of accomplishment, achievement, and invariably followed by a positive emotional experience and a general sense of well-being. The experience of PCD is counterintuitive, as it contradicts these dominant cultural assumptions about the male experience of sexual activity."
Why we need to validate men's emotions.
"Men are often taught that they aren't supposed to show or experience emotions," Dr. Overstreet says. "This stigma causes many to shut down and avoid how they are feeling versus sharing it with their partner. This can lead [them] to think that something is wrong with them or that they are weak for experiencing post-coital dysphoria."
Vanessa Marin, a psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy, calls myths about men being unemotional and obsessed with sex "outdated and harmful."
"We do have stereotypes that men are less emotional than women, so that makes it a lot harder for men to admit that they're feeling emotional at all, much less feeling emotional after sex," Marin explains. "We have stereotypes that men are supposed to be obsessed with sex, so the idea that a man could feel anything other than pure physical satisfaction after sex seems foreign to a lot of people. It makes a lot of men with PCD feel ashamed and embarrassed."
But the truth is, there's nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to PCD. In fact, studies like these show that almost half the population has probably experienced it at least once in their life anyway.
If you're dealing with PCD regularly, no matter your gender, Marin and Dr. Overstreet both suggest being gentle with yourself and taking time to process the emotions—without pushing them away or pretending they don't exist. You can use a journal to explore these feelings, and you might consider talking to your partner about what you're experiencing so they aren't caught off guard after sex and don't accidentally exacerbate the situation. Just being able to name what you're going through (post-coital dysphoria—remember it!) can go a long way.
The results of this study reinforce the fact that people of all genders can experience a wide array of complex and nuanced emotions related to sex. All the more reason for us to ditch the antiquated gender stereotypes around sex once and for all.
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