How (And When) To Tell Your Partner You're In Therapy

Undeniably, the strongest intimate connections are built on a foundation of honesty, mutual support, and trust. So if you're looking for something more meaningful and longer-lasting than casual sex, you'll eventually need (and likely want) to discuss important aspects of your life, including the fact that you're in therapy and why.

If you are reluctant to do this, you should ask yourself why. If it turns out that you fear rejection because you're in therapy, I strongly suggest you let that fear go. At the end of the day, a person who would dump you simply because you have some problems that you're actively addressing is probably not the loving, caring, genuinely supportive partner you deserve. So, good riddance.

It is also possible that you're dealing with a thorny, painful, shameful issue—childhood sexual abuse, for instance—and you're not comfortable sharing that information with anyone outside the therapeutic milieu. If so, you should discuss this with your therapist, who may have some useful advice, possibly even scheduling a couple's session to help you disclose. Of course, it's possible you will never feel comfortable sharing this information in any setting with the person you are currently dating. If so, you might want to move on to a partner who feels safer and more empathetic; otherwise, you will never experience the true emotional intimacy upon which great relationships are built.

These days, going to therapy is more common and openly discussed than it's ever been. For some people, it's less of a big secret they need to plan out how to tell someone and more something that comes up in passing on a date. (Ex. "I was telling my therapist the other day...")

Of course, early in a relationship, it's important to maintain healthy boundaries. If you're bringing up therapy and serious issues in your life in the first couple of dates, make sure it's because you're wanting to connect with this person and share more of yourself with them, not because you're looking for sympathy or a rescue. And of course, make sure you're on the same page about going deeper and getting closer with each other--don't spring your personal issues on someone who seems to be more interested in a casual relationship.

Generally, the best time to bring up therapy and issues you're dealing with is when you're ready to say something like, "Gee, we've been dating for a while, and I really like you, and I think I'd like to get serious about our relationship." If your paramour seems receptive, you can move forward with the type of open, honest, empathetic conversation that brings two people closer.

The depth of the conversation that you'd like to have is probably linked to the amount of shame you feel about being in therapy and the issues that led you into therapy. Unless your problems are very serious, a short straightforward statement about the fact that you're in therapy and the benefits you receive from it is usually sufficient. If your partner wants more information than that, they can ask, and you can answer to whatever degree you feel comfortable. If your issues are deeper, of course, a larger discussion is in order. In such cases, you might feel more comfortable disclosing with therapeutic assistance (i.e., in a couple's session at your therapist's office).

Whenever you disclose personal information to the person you've been dating, regardless of the nature of that information, be sure to watch their reaction, seeing how your disclosure (your emotional vulnerability) is received. The other person's immediate response will tell you a lot about who they really are. When you allow yourself to become honest in this way and your vulnerability is empathetically accepted, it goes a long way toward developing true emotional intimacy.