7 Ways To Repair A Strained Relationship With Your Mom

Before you can begin the process of repairing a strained relationship, it's important to open the lines of communication. "Given our current health situation, meeting in person may not be feasible," psychologist Kristina Hallett, Ph.D., ABPP, tells us. "But a phone call or a card that says 'hi, I'm thinking of you' is always a good beginning."

Have compassion for both yourself and your mom. "I like to remind myself (and others) that we are all doing the best we can, with what we have, in the moment," Hallett says. 

Showing compassion doesn't mean you have to completely dismiss past hurts or difficulties, she explains. It does mean, however, that you recognize not everyone has the same inner resources to make decisions you think are best.

"There is no objectivity in relationships, just subjective experience," psychoanalyst and emotions educator Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, tells us. 

In fact, "there's a strong likelihood that you and your mother see things from a different perspective," Hallett adds. This doesn't mean either of you is necessarily right or wrong, but sometimes when it comes to our parents, our familiarity and many years of experiences together can make us feel more willing to be unyielding in a way that we wouldn't be with other people.

"Too often—especially in conversations with people we know well—we stop listening and start preparing our response while the other person is still talking," Hallett explains.

Active listening is the opposite of that. When you're in a conversation with your mom, clear your mind and focus only on listening to what she's saying. Don't think about what you're going to say next, why she's wrong, or judging her for being the way she is. Try to understand her side of the story, even if you don't agree with it.

People often have idyllic expectations of their mothers and what the mother-child relationship should be like, but when neither of you is able to live up to those expectations, it can lead to conflict and sometimes resentment. "It's very important to have lower and realistic expectations to mitigate disappointment and anger," Hendel says.

Yes, your mom made mistakes while you were growing up, and she's probably still making them today. Try to remember that you've made plenty of mistakes along the way, too. 

"It takes two to make repairs and to connect in a healthy way," Hendel says. You can figure out whether you're the only one wanting to make amends by asking her these two questions: "Are you willing to work on the relationship?" and "Are you willing to be accountable for your hurtful actions?" 

If all you receive is blame and attack, then it will be nearly impossible to have a good relationship, Hendel explains. 

"It's natural for us to be defensive, or want to 'prove our point' if we feel we have been treated wrongly or unjustly," Hallett says, "but patience, calm, understanding, and openness to differing views will help with repair."  

If you've yet to repair your relationship by the time Mother's Day approaches, show yourself compassion. These holidays can be challenging for people who don't have the desired relationships with their parents. Acknowledge that, and then make plans to connect with friends, family members, or someone who has acted like a mother to you.