How To Mediate Sibling Conflicts According To A Family Therapist
In mindbodygreen's parenting column, Parenthetical, mbg parenting contributor, psychotherapist, and writer Lia Avellino explores the dynamic, enriching, yet often complicated journey into parenthood. In today's installment, Avellino explains how to navigate sibling conflicts.
As a mother of three kids ages 7 and under, navigating sibling conflict is a common practice in my life. One stole another’s toy. The eldest has a bigger cookie than the youngest. One wants my attention, while the other has it. And as a therapist, I help caregivers navigate the complexities of family dynamics to ensure each family member feels seen and secure.
One question we sit with together is: How do we let our kids learn how to navigate relationship challenges, while also supporting them in developmentally appropriate ways?
Modern parenting & our role in navigating conflict
The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Heidt, Ph.D., sparked a conversation on how childhood is being rewired by technology and the ways adult presence has shifted in children’s lives over time. Heidt posits that children are over-monitored in person and under-monitored online. In the past, it was more of a norm for kids to be outside of their parents' field of view more often, whereas now many parents survey and intervene more frequently.
I see my role as a mediator for my children, supporting them in navigating the conflict, not adjudicating it or bailing them out of it. Research shows that in order for a butterfly to break free from the chrysalis, she needs to struggle through this process. If an outside source attempts to free her from this struggle, it reduces the butterfly’s life span by 50%. Supporting our kids in coming to a consensus, without solving it for them, creates a foundation for healthy conflict resolution skills as they grow older.
Here I share a technique called “speaker/listener” that can be a simple way to create a culture of respectful disagreement.
Be mindful of how you show up in the conflict
In the heat of the moment, I can feel an urge to scream for my request for peace, or move my body quickly to flee the emotions happening inside of me when my kids fight. Sadly, this just exacerbates the disconnect amongst our children and between us and them.
As humans we co-regulate, meaning that our nervous systems impact one another. If I am grounded and speak slowly and calmly, this shows my kids that I am in a place where I can support them and displays that conflict doesn’t have to be intense and instead can be handled peacefully.
This may mean taking a few minutes to engage in grounding exercises on your own before you intercept. Being aware of your internal experience before engaging in the conflict, will ensure you’re less reactive and therefore have a greater ability to connect to your kids.
Get clear on your role
Your role isn’t to pick a side, but instead help create a culture of respectful and non-violent communication, so that each kid can express themselves clearly. Picking a side can also unintentionally fuel fighting by increasing competition for a parent’s approval between siblings.
Even if you go into the mediation with a sense of who you agree with, try to keep an open mind and remember that each of your kids has a feeling and an experience that deserves to be known.
Introduce the shared agreements for the speaker/listener technique
It can be helpful to have an object, depending on the age of the kids, as a tangible item that is held when it's each kid’s turn to speak. In my house, we have a magic wand, and the kids know that they can only speak when the wand is in their hand, when it is not they are in the listening role. Be patient with this process, it might not work right away, but when repeated can be very useful.
Assure each kid that they will have all the time they need to speak, and flip a coin to determine who goes first. Encourage the kids to stay away from criticism, “you” statements, and judgments about the other’s behavior. Instead, I use the formula “this is what I think happened and this is how it made me feel.”
Remind kids that while listening, the goal isn’t to agree, but to respect that each person’s experience is valid and therefore true to them. This is a good lesson for adults too: we don’t have to be on the same page as the people we love, we just have to acknowledge the page that they are on and vice versa.
Make space for paraphrasing
If your children are old enough, you can ask them to paraphrase one another’s share, inquiring at the end “did I get that right?” If they are too young, you can paraphrase for each of them. This models deep listening, which holds no intention to change but just to understand.
State needs and boundaries
Once both kids have confirmed that they’ve heard the other, and while they might not agree with the position, they understand it. Encourage each person to state “this is what I need from you __________ or this is the boundary I want to set __________."
It can be helpful to teach kids that boundaries are not telling others what to do, it’s expressing what you will do if your limit isn’t respected.
For example: “Next time you want my toy, I am going to need you to ask me for permission first. If you don’t do that, I am going to take my toys to my room and play by myself.”
Solution brainstorming
Invite a conversation to brainstorm about what might be done differently the next time this happens, both normalizing that conflict will continue to occur, and that we now have some new tools to address it in a new way. For example “so, next time your sister grabs your toy, what can you do differently to respond?” and for the other sibling “next time you have an urge to take a toy, what can you do instead?”
This strategy can also be used for older children in navigating sticky relational situations, just making the brainstorming more emotionally complex, like “you said you feel like your sister doesn’t like you, how might you want to advocate for those feelings in the future?”
Create moments of introspection
In addition to implementing the Speaker/Listener Technique, in a moment of solitude, or discussion with a partner or friends, consider how you handle conflict, unrelated to your children. If your kids have never seen you in an argument, or often do, this will send them messages of what it means to fight well and respectfully (or not).
Our children mimic what they see, not what we tell them to do. In what ways do you assert yourself, manage uncomfortable emotions, and make room for others’ opinions and needs? What areas might you need some support and new learning in order to show, not tell, your kids how to treat ourselves and others in life’s sticky moments.
The takeaway
Conflicts are a normal and healthy part of human development and relationships. By modeling respectful disagreements, we are teaching our children how to build skill, rather than bail them out and solve it for them. Observing our own behaviors and relationships to conflict can also be helpful in monitoring our contribution (positive or negative) to creating a harmonious home.