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How To Make Any Kiss Infinitely More Sensual: A Tantra Expert Explains

November 4, 2016
Psalm Isadora was one of the top tantra experts in the world. She passed away in March of 2017 and during her life was a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. For more of Psalm’s insights on the tantric approach to sex and relationships, explore her class, Tantra 101: Awaken Your Sexuality & Deepen Your Mind-Body-Soul Connection.
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Question: Dear Psalm, I have an oral fixation—I love kissing. (I am also a smoker.) How can I satisfy that urge when I'm not in a relationship?

Oral fixation is the desire to experience pleasure and sensation through your mouth, tongue, and lips—these are some of the most erogenous zones of the body. This can apply to eating, drinking, smoking, kissing, anything really. These can all be ways to experience the same serotonin surges associated with sex and orgasm (e.g., food-gasm). Smoking is also a way to calm nerves, and you get a buzz from the nicotine.

If this is a true oral fixation in Freudian terms, it might be responsible for your smoking habit. I always say that anything can be medicine or poison depending on why you do it and how aware you are of your own desires and habits. The most important thing is to slow down and be present and mindful during these oral pleasures.

My KISS meditation teaches you how to slow down so you can truly savor life's most pleasurable things instead of rushing through them. When we slow down and really enjoy every moment, we tend to feel satisfied without going overboard with our indulgences.

Think of it this way: You've heard people say that part of the reason France doesn't have an obesity problem is that they eat richer foods in smaller quantities. Consider applying that to your eating, smoking, and even sexual habits. Go slowly, savor every sensation, enjoy the pleasure with no guilt or shame, and you will find your urges to consume, kiss, smoke, or eat more will diminish. Quality trumps quantity, after all.

I will teach you how to have mindful oral satisfaction, but first I would like you (and all readers) to do a little self-quiz.

Do you have a sexual oral fixation?

  • Do you have underlying anxieties that you soothe or mask with addictive oral habits like smoking and kissing?
  • Would you rate yourself as hyper-sexual or hypo-sexual?
  • Does your oral fixation stem from truly wanting to experience pleasure or just to relieve anxiety?
  • Is there an imbalance in another area in your life that you are trying to cope with through these behaviors?
  • Are they causing negative patterns in your life?
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Now that you have answered those questions, you should be a bit more aware of your personal relationship to oral pleasures. Now, I'd like to turn your focus to a healthier way to satisfy your oral fixation. You can do it while single and/or with a partner.

The KISS Chocolate Meditation:

This method is an outlet for your oral fixation, but I recommend it to ease anxiety in general. The goal of this meditation is to help you learn to savor every moment of pleasure you have—eating, kissing, and even sex—in a slower, more mindful way. And, it might even help you kick the smoking habit as well.

If you practice KISS Chocolate Meditation every day it will begin to rewire the internal and subconscious drivers for pleasure and alleviate your anxiety. That is very likely the underlying issue here—your anxiety causes you to seek relief through oral pleasure. So, let's replace a potentially unhealthy habit with one that pays dividends over time.

If you follow my teachings, I've mentioned the KISS method of connection—a breathing exercise—in most of my tantra classes. I

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KISS is an acronym. Here's what each letter stands for:

Kinetic: Tantra is about tapping into and embracing our inherent sexual energy.

Intimate: Tantric principles create deeper intimacy and make a true "heart connection" through mindful sexuality.

Slow: By slowing down, you are able to be more present and pay more attention to the feelings and needs of both you and your partner.

Sensual: Feeling sensual before you get sexual will allow you to feel more in your heart, body, and soul and help you feel more in tune with your own body and with your partner.

Starting with that foundation, add a small piece of healthy, dark chocolate to this meditation. You can do this every day to practice being more mindful in every aspect of your life—whether it's your diet, your sexuality, or your relationships that you really need to focus on.

You can also use this practice as foreplay. Tease your partner with the chocolate to build more anticipation for the main event or as a way to practice more mindful kissing.

Here's how to do it, incorporating all five senses in a slow, mindful way:

1. Sight:

Hold a small piece of chocolate in your hand and just look at it. Most of the time, we eat our food so quickly we don't even realize we're eating. Really look at what you are about to consume. Take two to three long, deep breaths, while you just look at the chocolate. It builds anticipation of that first delicious bite. You'll find that waiting to eat it actually makes it taste better.

How to apply it to mindful kissing:

Sit in front of your partner—look at their lips and ask them to do the same. You can subtly lick your lips or even blow your partner a kiss to get them focused on your pucker.

2. Smell:

Wave the piece of chocolate under your nose and take in the seductive aroma. As you smell it, take several long, deep breaths. You might start to salivate. Your sense of smell triggers your body to create the correct enzymes to digest whatever you're eating. In a sense, it's the same as lubrication (for women) or erection (for men) before sex. Instead of rushing into it, wait until your body is ready for pleasure, anticipating it, and totally focused on it.

How to apply it to mindful kissing:

Get closer to your partner. If they're wearing a scent you like, or just have a nice, natural smell, you can take in their scent and encourage them to do the same. Tell them what you like about it.

3. Touch:

Trace the outline of your lips with the piece of chocolate. This is building up more anticipation, and you're probably salivating even stronger now. Notice how the chocolate feels on your soft, wet lips. Appreciate the creamy, silky, smooth, and sensual texture of the chocolate on your lips. By now you might really want to eat this chocolate, but stay in the touch mode for a few long, deep breaths before moving on.

How to apply it to mindful kissing:

Trace the outline of your partner's lips with your fingertips. Have them do the same. Again, this is to help you slow down, savor every moment, and build anticipation and excitement in your body and brain. Take your time.

4. Taste:

Trace the chocolate square with the tip of your tongue now, licking the chocolate ever so gently. Do this for three to five full breaths. Then put the piece of chocolate in your mouth, but don't chew or swallow it. Place it on your tongue, close your eyes and your mouth, and just let it melt.

How to apply it to mindful kissing:

Trace the outline of your partner's lips with your tongue. Let them do the same to you. Then start to slowly explore each other's mouths with your tongues, being mindful so you don't get carried away. Keep moving slowly, explore, and maintain the sensuality of the experience.

5. Hearing:

As it's melting, hum loudly—making an mmm sound. The vibration in your mouth combined with the sensual flavor and texture of chocolate can be very arousing. It engages yet another sense and keeps your mind focused on these sensations. Notice as the chocolate starts to melt and changes shape in your mouth.

How to apply it to mindful kissing:

Instead of a hum, you can make a moaning sound as you continue to kiss, which like the hum, will send vibrations through your bodies.

For more tantric techniques to heighten intimacy and pleasure, check out Psalm's posts on tantric nipple massage, tantric yoni massage, and tantric lingam massage.

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Psalm Isadora
Psalm Isadora

Psalm Isadora was a renowned Tantric sex educator, sex coach, and yoga teacher who taught thousands of Tantra and sexuality workshops internationally. Her groundbreaking work has been featured on CNN, NPR, The Huffington Post, iHeart Radio, Bustle, and many more, and she reached over 66 million homes as the star of Playboy TV’s reality show Cougar Club. She founded sex education organization Urban Kama Sutra and is the creator of the practice of OYoga, a combination of yoga, belly dance, and burlesque to help women unlock their inner sex goddess.

Isadora passed away on March 26, 2017. During her life, Psalm made a name for herself as a bold, outspoken sex, relationships, and trauma expert who lived to inspire the next generation of women. She demystified the ancient secrets of Tantra to make them accessible to the modern masses.

Raised in a religious cult as a child, Isadora endured years of sexual trauma that eventually ignited her passion to teach sexual empowerment and modern sex ed. In 2007, Isadora traveled to India to immerse herself in the ancient teachings of Tantra to facilitate deep healing and discover her own path as a healer. For eight years, Isadora traveled to India to delve deeper into the path of Tantra and teach yoga to sex-trafficked women in the red light district of Calcutta, work that would eventually become part of a documentary titled Shakti. She studied the Śrī Vidyā tradition of Tantra under spiritual guru Sri Amritananda (Guruji) in Pradesh, India, and was initiated into Shakti Tantra Yoga.

We will miss you, Psalm. You will certainly never be forgotten.

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