Millions Of Women Have A Success Wound — Are You One Of Them?
"So sorry for being late.” It was 2:02 p.m., yet Talia, dashing through the doorway for her coaching session, was already feeling behind. She was a rising star at a fast-growing media company, recently promoted into the director of advertising role.
“We talked about this,” I said gently. “It’s okay to give yourself a moment between meetings.” Talia took a deep breath—her first of the day—and placed her Diet Coke on the desk—her second of the day.
“I’m just not cutting it, and everyone knows it,” she lamented.
When I asked how she came to that conclusion, she replied, “Last week, I presented our annual plan, and there were so many questions and so much doubt in the room. That shouldn’t happen to someone with ‘director’ in their title.” She sighed. “A real leader should command respect. Have a vision that everyone can rally behind.”
Pay attention to the "shoulds"
Anytime I hear the word should I listen for the invisible standards my clients hold themselves to. We all have a mental image of a successful professional woman that we constantly strive for and compare ourselves to. Our very own collage of shoulds pasted together, forming an alluring promise of happiness. This mirage is ever-shifting and always out of reach. No matter how hard we try to live up to it, we come up empty-handed, hustling to prove our value. In the gap between this vision and reality lies a perception of inadequacy.
I asked Talia how her own mental image of a successful director affected her daily working life. She took a sip of her Diet Coke and thought for a moment. “I’m always wondering if I am living up to the image of a ‘good’ executive, especially as a Black woman. I would hate to be seen as difficult, but equally I don’t want to be a doormat, or—worst of all—disappointing. I’m always stepping in to help people, even if it’s not in my job scope. My schedule’s chaotic. I’m racing from meeting to meeting. But what I’m racing to catch up to, I don’t know.”
I echoed back to her, “Always behind. Never enough.” “Exactly,” she said, nodding.
Women aren't feeling successful despite doing more
These thoughts reverberate throughout the minds of millions of working women. A 2023 study from the Conference Board on job satisfaction in the United States found that women, from entry-level to executive, reported significantly lower career satisfaction than their male peers. When considering this fog of discontent—this problem with no name—that plagues my clients, I was reminded of Betty Friedan’s seminal book The Feminine Mystique.
In 1963, Friedan observed a rising dissatisfaction among white American housewives. Many women were not content living in service of their children and husbands, forced to give up other educational and professional aspirations. They packed lunches and drove carpool, secretly wondering, is this all life has to offer?
Today, despite the incredible leaps in opportunities for women in political, social, and professional rights, women are still asking themselves the same question: Is this really it? This dissatisfaction has taken a new shape. Women still contend with a cultural ideal of success rather than their own. But now, instead of buying the image of the happy housewife, they are sold the image of the professional woman who can easily do it all.
The having-it-all portrait might look slightly different from person to person depending upon one’s background, upbringing, and preferences. Some want to be the prestigious achiever who is envied for working at the hottest “it” company. Others seek the perfect balance between family, work, and well-being, never missing a beat. Some idolize the “Partner” title so they can finally be considered a leader, while others fantasize about being the effortless entrepreneur who enjoys both their flexible schedule and consistent revenue growth.
The root of feeling inadequate
While there are as many different ideals as there are people, the habit is the same: attempting to emulate the successful working woman we think we should be instead of who we actually want to be. And when we fail to emulate her, we question our worth, value, and competence, instead of questioning the culture that sold us this impossible standard in the first place.
The inadequacy stems from the same place: the success wound. The success wound is the term I’ve coined for the invisible pain that comes from mistaking one’s career for self-worth. It’s an unconscious habit of tying your worthiness of love and sense of belonging to what you produce, achieve, and do, rather than who you are. Sure, you logically know that you aren’t your job. You know that real happiness isn’t found in a title or a salary. But there’s still a belief, deep down, that says you do need to prove your value.
Here are the kinds of sentiments I typically hear in sessions with my clients:
- “I’m only as good as my last piece of feedback.”
- “I could always be doing more.”
- “I feel lost and constantly question if I’m on the right career path.”
- “The wrong look from my boss can send me reeling for days.”
- “I have this constant inner voice that says, If you relax, you’ll lose your edge.”
- “I have big dreams but fear of failure stops me before I even start.”
- “I’ve reached the pinnacle of my career. It’s what I wanted, I should be happy, so why do I feel empty?”
- “I constantly feel unsafe, as if my money or job could be taken from me at any moment.”
- "I’m always onto the next thing, so I never fully enjoy what I’ve just accomplished.”
I shared this list with Talia, who nodded. “Yep, that’s me. I’ve had all those thoughts.” I explained that her success wound was to blame. “Not my perfectionism? Or imposter syndrome?” she questioned. The success wound often gets misdiagnosed as both. They are related but distinct concepts. While imposter syndrome makes you question your competence, and perfectionism is the tendency to demand an impossibly ideal standard, the success wound is the underlying belief that you are only worthy when you’re succeeding. It’s the hidden engine driving those other struggles, and healing it requires a different approach.
We're blaming the wrong things
In the last six years, I have collected over two thousand responses to an intake form completed by professional women seeking coaching. In it, I ask what three primary factors are preventing their career satisfaction. Because respondents typically selected three options, the percentages here reflect how frequently each issue was chosen rather than totaling to 100 percent.
Sixty percent blamed their perfectionism, 40 percent pointed to their imposter syndrome, 25 percent said it’s their procrastination, 55 percent reported lack of boundaries, and 65 percent blamed being in the wrong job. But these are not the real cause. Rather, they are symptoms of an unconscious habit of tying your identity to your professional outcomes. In Talia’s case, her self-esteem was pinned to how the other members of her leadership team perceived her. No wonder her natural impulse was to make things perfect, go back on her boundaries, and procrastinate the tasks she lacked expertise in.