9 Ways To Help A Depressed Friend (Without Getting Drained)

Chances are you know someone who is currently living with depression, or you will know someone in the future. The mental illness affects some 264 million people globally1, with 7% of U.S. adults and 13% of U.S. teens suffering from the mental illness as of 2017. If you have a loved one or friend who is depressed, it's natural to feel powerless, frustrated, anxious, confused, conflicted, defeated, and unequipped. To help navigate the foggy journey that it is, here are a few do's and don'ts for how to help a friend who's depressed⁠ without getting drained yourself.

Make space for your friend or loved one to talk about their experience. Let them know "I'm here to listen," or "I want to better understand what you're going through right now," and "I'm here for you despite what depression might be telling you."

By letting someone who is depressed know you have some idea of the magnitude of their pain, you can help them feel understood, supported, and validated. It's also important to let them know you care and are here for them. For example, it can be helpful to say something like, "I'm here to support you. If you can envision a role you'd like me to play in this challenging time, let me know, and I'll do my best to fulfill that. If not, know that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

Connecting with mental health professionals can be an ominous task. Help make things possibly less daunting for your loved one by identifying resources in their area. A good place to start? Their G.P. or N.D. Other potentially beneficial resources include a psychotherapist, depression support group, or a crisis line.

Set realistic guidelines (e.g., "I'm here for you, but sometimes I might be busy and not be able to respond to your calls or texts until later on. It doesn't mean I don't care, despite what depression might tell you.") Supporting a depressed friend can be draining to you, so make sure to be kind to yourself and acknowledge your limitations.

In our society, sadness, tears, and depression are often associated with "weakness" or instability. Emotionality is not valued, and thus feelings associated with depression are often enveloped in choking layers of shame and anxiety. Telling someone not to feel depressed, or that they should "think positively," will not make them feel better. In actuality, it will likely make them feel worse—weak, ashamed for feeling sad, and less able to feel safe in your relationship. Make space for emotions; don't try to limit them or contain them.

Even if you've had firsthand experience with depression, everyone's experience is different. Thus, stick with empathizing ("What you're going through sounds really painful") rather than identifying ("I know exactly how you feel"). It can help to share your own experience, but make sure they're aware you're not implying it's the same situation. Similarly, don't minimize what they're going through by telling them things like "It could be worse," or "Come on, things aren't that bad. At least you have your job/ family/ health, etc." That will just lead to their feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and ashamed.

If the answer is yes, remind them that suicidal thoughts are a natural coping mechanism (they provide a way to "stop the pain"), but suicide will not make things better. You are likely not a trained professional, so stay with them while you encourage them to call a suicide hotline for proper assessment and resources.

If you've reached your limits, talk to them about it. Say something like, "I really want to be here to support you, but I'm feeling powerless/ unequipped/ stretched. I don't want to lose this relationship. How can we find a way to make things more sustainable?" Often, if you're feeling exhausted in supporting them, it's a sign they don't have enough other supports in their life. Help them connect to resources so you're not the sole support.

Be kind to yourself—make sure you're practicing self-care and self-compassion, and get the support you need from others as well.