10 Times When Jealousy Is Healthy In A Relationship

Too much of anything can be unhealthy, but a little jealousy is not bad or unhealthy from time to time. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and like all our emotions, they're here to tell us something about ourselves and what we need. Emotions need to be released. In a relationship, jealousy can just mean there's something you need to communicate to your partner about your insecurities, needs, boundaries, and desires.

Part of the reason jealousy causes us to feel so uncomfortable is that we typically think of it as a toxic and unhealthy emotion—something to rid ourselves of ASAP. So we add on a layer of self-blame or even a layer of fatality (i.e., if there's jealousy in the relationship, it must be doomed). Yet thinking this way is precisely what makes jealousy feel insurmountable, even though negative emotions are a totally normal thing to feel.

Say you're at a party, standing with your partner. Someone comes up and starts talking to them. A lot. The person is giving your partner focused, intense eye contact and enthusiastically asking questions. (Remember, flirting doesn't have to be explicitly sexual.) You're left in the shadow of the conversation and feel jealous as a result. Perhaps you feel that the person is sexually interested in your partner and that your partner's response could be sending the wrong message. Perhaps you wish, on some level, that the other person was giving you attention instead of your partner. This is totally natural.

Hearing anyone brag about their successes can be really annoying, but in the context of our relationships, we usually want to be there as a sounding board for some bragging. We want to feel happy for our partners when they succeed. That said, there are extenuating circumstances. Maybe you had a bad day at work. Maybe you're experiencing a bout of depression. Maybe you're sick. Regardless of why you're not feeling your best, hearing your partner succeeding when you feel subpar can produce jealousy.

Couples often pursue particular activities together. You and your partner may decide to take up yoga. But what happens when they get praise for their handstand in yoga class? You may feel jealous. And that's OK.

When you're in a relationship, you often quickly start to feel like every detail of your partner's life is a part of yours. Perhaps they always text you during the day to tell you what they ate for lunch or what their co-worker said to them in the bathroom. Sometimes, you even feel like you deserve to know everything about your partner's life. (Sometimes this can morph into codependency, which is actually not so healthy.)

So it can feel painful when we learn from someone else something about our partner that we were unaware of—even if it's totally nonthreatening. Say you are with your mutual friend, and he tells you about your partner's insane talent at painting. I had no idea she painted! you think. You may feel jealous: Why does our friend know about her painting hobby and I don't?

It's possible to feel like your partner is cheating on you with something other than a person. If they get really into a particular form of exercise, a particular hobby, or other activity and spend all of their time doing it, you may feel left in the dust.

Experiences—particularly those involving travel—can make us feel transported, renewed, reborn even. That's why it's especially hard to deal with those times in your relationship when your partner has an experience, interaction, or trip that is transformative, and we aren't present.

I've had friends tell me, "I have a ton of guy friends, and it always makes my boyfriend jealous." It's probably nothing for their boyfriends to worry about, but let's give the guys a break: It makes sense.

Enough said. Some people are OK with this kind of gesture. In some relationships, partners openly communicate about past relationships and sexual encounters, and even "check people out" together.

If you don't feel appreciated, your mind will likely start to see all of the ways that your partner appreciates other people and things. This is a serious issue in your relationship and something you definitely need to raise with your partner. Of course, feeling amorphously unappreciated in your relationship is probably more difficult to talk about than a specific action. But it's arguably more urgent.