This Is Why You're Having No Luck With Dating Apps

Here are the telltale signs of a dating hobbyist and a dating pro, why the latter is the way to go if you're searching for a lasting connection, and how to make the switch.

A common myth is that the more people you date, the more likely it is that you will meet the person you're looking for. The thing is, no one can keep doing the same thing over and over without getting at least a little exhausted. People burn out more quickly than they think and begin to lose hope--which leads them to swear off dating, dissociate from that part of their lives altogether, and then come back and try to do the same thing all over again.

You might justify this behavior by saying you are being open and spontaneous, but that is not really what is happening. You are looking for love coming from a place of lack. You are lacking fun, so you go looking for love. You are lacking fitting in with your couple friends, and so you go looking for love. Any time you try to create love from the idea that you will be better off when you have it, the foundation of the relationship will be broken—you're more likely to select people who aren't actually what you want or to scare away quality people with your aura of inauthenticity and desperation.

"Next" is the classic motto of the dating hobbyist. That can look like a lot of first dates with men you do not have chemistry with, which can lead to the aforementioned burnout, or maybe you are swiping left way more than you are swiping right. It is easy to say that a person just isn't a good match for you, but if you find yourself in this position for more than a few months, it is time to take a look at this pattern. Swiping left a lot or continuing to brush off the idea of a second date means you are not digging deep on who a person actually is. You are taking a fast look and ascertaining compatibility—whether over the course of a single coffee date or, worse, in less than 10 seconds while swiping—without taking the time to thoughtfully consider someone.

If you're not doing this already, start by spending some time thinking about what you want to get out of your dating experience. Are you looking for someone to laugh with and experience new things around your city? Are you looking for intellectual conversation and stimulation? Are you looking for no-strings-attached sex? Are you looking for love—-a deep, intimate connection that lasts? Get clear on what kind of person you're trying to bring into your life, think about the qualities you want to have in that person, and keep these in the forefront of your mind as you begin to swipe.

Just like you commit to going to an exercise class at a certain time for a certain result, you should apply the same principles to your dating life if there's something specific you're looking for. What might this look like? Find a quiet time each day to open your dating app with the intention of meeting a new person and making a new connection (or fostering budding ones you've already started). Start a simple ritual like lighting a candle or taking a moment to pause and close your eyes to visualize the kind of person you want to meet so looking through potential connections online will feel less like something to do and more like deeply focused self-care.

Dating like a professional means not being fooled into thinking initial chemistry is the only way to know if you've met someone worth dating. Once you're aware of what you're looking for in a person, it's not actually hard to find people who have those qualities—but it does take some practice to learn to create chemistry.

If you're looking for a real connection, you need to get real about your approach to dating. Stop using dating apps and happy hour dates to fill the time, and start getting more thoughtful about who you're giving that time to and why.