It takes a lot of time, practice, courage, and resilience to find the keys that unlock the mysterious libido. Not only are we all different, but we are continuously different, even from the self we thought we just got to know. So there isn't one easy answer, pill, or toy that we can rely upon to consistently unlock the passionate sexual response we long for.
Many of the questions we ask are not only a moving target, but they focus our attention outward. My sexual freedom really started to open up in the development of my own curriculum of sexual education.
As I began to understand my own sexual physiology and the unique relationship between clitoral stimulation and the internal explosions of the g-spot, I also discovered a whole new range of sexual positions that really worked. The more that I followed my own curiosity and learned the vocabulary for my own pleasure, the more I was able to release the anxiety that had for so long overshadowed my orgasmic capacity.
Voltaire once said that it is the duty of all rational creatures to seek pleasure. And truly, regardless of the many painful, frustrating, or embarrassing moments we experience in the seeking of it, we all long to feel the seismic shift and profound emotional and energetic releases associated with orgasm. Still, orgasm both alone and with another remains elusive for many.
The most important revelation about orgasm is that you can't make yourself—or more importantly, anyone else—have an orgasm. And in fact, it is often our efforts to cajole them into being that makes our orgasmic potential even more inaccessible. As soon as we set orgasm as the finish line, we unintentionally invite in the performance anxiety about whether we will be able to cross that line.