Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world, and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this weekly advice column, Psalm brings her expertise to sexual and relationship issues most people face at one time or another. If you want to ask Psalm your questions (anonymously), email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Question: My boyfriend comes too quickly. He lasts maybe 10 minutes usually — 15 minutes tops, but I take longer to orgasm. How can I teach him to pace himself? We have a really great emotional connection, and I don't want to break up with him, but I am sexually frustrated most of the time.
The good news is it's probably not the medical definition of premature ejaculation. Premature ejaculation, which is a form of erectile dysfunction, is when a man ejaculates before or within about a minute of penetration. This means that 10 to 15 minutes is a good sign that your man can probably practice and be trained to last longer.
Primal nature has played a funny trick in that men and women are built to experience pleasure and orgasms differently. For men, sex is as pleasurable after 10 minutes as an hour — in fact, lasting longer can be painful for them to exercise muscle control and mental control over the primal response to ejaculate and experience the intense pleasure of the orgasm. For women, the opposite is true — sex that lasts longer will give them the opportunity to experience more pleasure and multiple orgasms.
For this to occur, most men will have to adjust their mindsets. They need to be of the mind that they will get more pleasure from holding back their orgasm and pleasing their partner longer before they reach their own release. This is not easy and takes strong willpower. It requires him to hold back, no matter how strong his urge to release is.
The first step to solving this problem is to be honest with your partner. Have a conversation about how to fix it. He's probably going to be embarrassed or might even pick a fight, so just muster up all the love, patience, and kindness you have. Come to him with love and discuss the tips I'll explain below. Explain that you want to make your sex life even better, and explore more with him, instead of making him feel something is wrong.
This isn't all the man's responsibility, though. Women can also learn how to control their own arousal and more closely match your partner's excitement level. What I love about tantra is it has great tools to help men and women find a meeting point to slow down and match each other's arousal levels. At that point, they can begin to play with going faster and slower and becoming more sexually intuitive.
Tantra is all about going slow and, like with yoga or meditation practices, it's called a practice for a reason. It does take practice, which takes patience and time. When people say they've had tantric sex for four hours, they don't typically mean they're having intercourse for four hours. What they are doing is prolonging penetration and prolonging the orgasm for as long as possible to build true excitement in body and mind through breath work, meditations, non-touching foreplay, and genital foreplay.
Of course, foreplay starts in our minds. Connecting with your partner emotionally and spiritually is step one in learning to slow it down. I like to start by setting a sexy, sensual scene because it creates a space that you want to spend a lot of time in. If you decorate your bedroom with candles, incense, and sexy or romantic music — engaging all of your senses — he might be more relaxed and inspired to really savor every step of the way.
After you've set the mood, try out the tantra Yab-yum meditation. Yab-yum is a Tibetan term that translates to "father-mother" and is symbolized by two Buddhas in a seated position with the woman seated on top of the man straddling him with her legs wrapped around him.
Start by sitting up straight, cross-legged, and in front of each other with your hand on each other's heart, looking into each other's eyes. Hold eye contact and breathe together, slowly, in unison. Breathing like this is also a way to practice relaxing, slowing down, and being in the moment, instead of looking to the end game.
Warning: It might feel awkward at first. You might laugh. But try to get past that and really feel your partner's heartbeat and connect to his breathing. You might notice his heart is beating fast at first, but after a few minutes in this position, it will slow down. This feeling of going from anxious and excited (or even nervous) to calm is what we want him to feel later when you start to have sex, so this is good practice.
Once you've settled in, caress each other with a featherlike touch, but not on the genitals. If it starts to turn him on and he tries to take it further, slow him down by telling him to just keep touching your arm, your neck, or between your breasts. This also teaches him to start savoring every touch, even though it's arousing for both.
The second position in Yab-yum is sitting on his lap with your knees over his legs, which draws you closer. This might excite him too, but keep up the breath work, eye contact, and gentle, featherlike touching. After a few minutes, move into the third position, in which you straddle him fully with your legs wrapped tightly around him — chest-to-chest, heart-to-heart, and genitals-to-genitals. Again, don't let it go further.
From there, you can move on to foreplay. I'd advise against 69 or any form of tandem masturbation because with that, you're both more likely to orgasm close to the same time. When you take turns at foreplay, it stretches out the sexual experience. Maybe you go first, and orgasm. Then you recover, cuddle, talk, reconnect emotionally, and then give him his turn.
After his turn (whether it's oral or a hand job), savor that time recovering, cuddling, talking, and reconnecting until he's ready to go again — for sexual intercourse this time. You might be an hour — maybe even two — into your sexual encounter at this point. Because he's ejaculated already during foreplay, he's more likely to last longer during intercourse. That's why a lot of guys masturbate before a date — so that they can last longer if they get lucky that night.
During sex, if you sense that he's about to come too quickly, try to slow him down by pulling back on the speed or rhythm of what you're doing. You can either stop the sexual activity entirely or slow it down just before the orgasm builds up again. He might go from having a rock-hard erection to semihard to soft, and that's good. That's what we want to help him practice — controlling his orgasm. Try this a few times until you're both ready for that final release.
This isn't easy to do, so go into this with a nonjudgmental perspective and a lot of patience!