19 Questions To Ask Yourself After A First Date

Written by John Kim, LMFT

There's more to a first date than just chemistry, assuming you're looking for more than just Mr. or Ms. Right Now. Here's what I believe are the most important questions to ask yourself. Note: (Do not copy this list and bring it with you on the date so you have something to check off.)

1. Did this person listen to me?

Did your date practice active listening or did she turn everything you said back onto her? Did she focus on you and make a conscious effort to not only hear the words that came out of your mouth, but (more importantly) the complete message being sent?

2. Did I like this person's manners?

You can tell a lot about someone by how he treats others. How did this person treat you? But more importantly, how did he treat others during the date — the wait staff, the bus boys, and the valet?

3. Was there eye contact?

If someone can’t look you in the eye, run. They’re either shady or insecure and you don’t have time for either.

4. Was this person transparent?

Was he vulnerable? Or did he put up a front? Try to be someone he's not? Transparency doesn’t mean verbally vomiting on you. It means showing one's true self and story without seeking validation or approval.

5. Was there sexual chemistry between us?

Raw sexual chemistry. Most likely, it fluctuated throughout the date. But you can feel it pretty fast if it’s there. When the date was over, were you thinking I have more chemistry with my sibling or I will masturbate tonight.

6. How was my date's hygiene?

This includes body odor, breath, hair, fingernails, etc., but also effort. Did he make an effort to present himself like he cared about the date? Notice shirt stains, winkled clothes, or a filthy car. Remember: this is probably their best presentation. It may go downhill from here.

7. Was my date confident?

Confidence is a sign of how comfortable one is with herself, her beliefs in her ability, and knowing who she are and what she stands for. Confident people have a stance. They walk with certainty and do what they believe is right even if others criticize them. How comfortable was she in her own skin? Borrowed or owned?

8. Was the energy positive or negative?

Positive means they are present and happy to be there. They’ve made a choice to have a good date no matter what. Negative means they are sucking the life out of you by criticizing the restaurant, staff, food, and/or complaining about things they can’t control. Remember, whatever energy you get on your first date will be amplified if you were in a relationship with this person. Was he or she a black hole or sunlight?

9. How was our banter?

Good banter creates closeness, comfort, and a dance that is needed to produce a solid connection and the pulse of a relationship. Was there a natural flow, an exciting back and forth sprinkled with humor and curiosity? Or did you say to yourself, Somebody stab me in the face.

10. Was there humor?

We all know how important this is. Your date doesn't necessarily have to be funny. But was he open to funny? That’s what’s important. Was his mood light and fun? Did he attempt to make you laugh and did he reciprocate when you initiated funny. If your date was actually funny, that's a big plus.

11. Did this person leave a distinct impression on me?

How forgettable were they? If you never saw them again, would you even remember them or the date?

12. Was there flexibility?

Not literally. Were she able to adjust to long lines, no parking, and rude people? How well was she able to manage adversity during the date? Because let's face it, things always go wrong on the first date. Did she try to make the best of the experience no matter what wrenches were thrown? Did she snap in the wind or sway in the breeze?

13. Was this person stuck in the past?

Oh, we've all experienced this person before. Did he talk about his exes? Past relationships? How “close” he was to being a millionaire? When he used to “model”? Or date models? Did he brag about who he used to be or talk about his life in the present without forcing you to jump into their time machine?

14. Who paid?

This is not about gender roles. I believe the person who asked the other out should pay or at least offer. It’s less about money and more about the gesture. These actions are reflective of one’s character. That’s the important piece.

15. Are we compatible in the way we eat?

Whoever you start dating, you’re going to eat with them a lot. What about choice in food? Did you eat healthy and everything he ate was fried? Did you have one drink and she had five? Eating habits say a lot about someone.

16. Was this person batshit crazy?

Seriously. OK, there are two types of crazy. There’s the good kind and the boiling rabbits kind. The good kind of crazy is electric, spontaneous, and interesting. It’s a fun and casual type of crazy that's exciting and attractive. This is not what I’m talking about. I’m referring to hints of insanity. Extreme waves of emotion. Saying shit that make absolutely no sense.

17. Does your date have friends?

Throughout the conversation, hopefully you’ve gotten a feel of whether or not they have friends. Right now, it’s not important what kind of people their friends are. You just want to know if they have any. Do they have the ability to be social and invest in others? Or do they isolate?

18. Can he make a decision?

(Ladies, can I get an amen?!) There’s a difference between easygoing and not being able to speak your mind because you care too much what the other person thinks. Was he just being polite or a bit indecisive? Or does he not possess the ability to state an opinion? If he can’t decide where he wants to go, what he wants for dinner, or what music he cares to listen to, he probably can’t decide who he should be with and why.

19. Is there potential here?

From all the information you’ve gathered from this one outing, how much potential do you see with this person? Not the potential this person has to offer the world, but rather the potential of your building something together.

Yes, I understand it may be early to be asking this on a first date. But let me just remind you of something... Remember what happened last time?

John Kim, LMFT
John Kim, LMFT
John Kim, LMFT, aka The Angry Therapist, runs a practice that redefines “therapy” in the traditional...
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John Kim, LMFT
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John Kim, LMFT, aka The Angry Therapist, runs a practice that...
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