This Is The Problem With Serial Monogamy, According To A Sexologist
One of my friends from college has a new boyfriend every two months. I am not exaggerating here. She will date one guy, find another one, dump the current one, and move into a relationship with the other.
Or she gets out of a relationship, she says she's "single and ready to mingle," gets right back on Tinder, and has a new boyfriend a week later. She is never single for long. She'll tell me she isn't going to "apologize for getting out of a bad situation" and she "wishes people could be happy that she's found happiness again."
She says people are jealous that she always moves on so quickly. Now, this is probably true for some women. It's not easy for every woman to have a new partner lined up in a hot second. Though it sure is easier when your standards are nonexistent.
I wish I could say that her constant matching and unmatching is due to the fact that she's super amazing, hot, and funny (all of which she is), but it's not. It's because if a guy wants to date her, she's down. She will always do it, no matter what.
The issue is that she feels unhappy in whatever relationship she's in, so she goes off to find something else. She gets on dating apps and goes on dates with literally anyone who wants to be in a relationship without pause (doesn't matter who they are, what they do, or what they look like). If they want a girlfriend, she is down. Her criteria is as follows: Do you want a girlfriend? Yes? I'm in.
But serial monogamy keeps you from finding real love.
Serial monogamy is a half-assed way to find love. If you wind up with a new boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner every few months, that isn't good. It means you have poor taste. It means you're looking to find someone to complete you, when what you need is to complete yourself. You're looking for a missing piece that you will never find because the missing piece cannot be set in place by another human.
Keep in mind, I've done both the single thing and the serial dating thing. It wasn't until I was single for almost two years that I figured out how I was supposed to be treated (ahem, like an absolute queen). I dated a bunch of jerks, one great girl, and some more jerks. I then spent three years with the man I thought I'd marry, only to be back on my own again. And, weirdly, whole. Then, I spent more time alone. After that, my husband came along. All that time I was whole. I was growing, but I was whole.
All of this taught me everything I know about finding true love. Every single lesson.
When you are regularly looking for someone new, you don't learn. You stay busy to avoid doing the work internally. You can't stay out of relationships long enough to learn from past mistakes.
If you can't even bear to stand on your own two feet for any significant period of time, how can you expect to form a stable and equal partnership?
The myth of "I just can't stay single."
It's hard to tell when someone is being truthful when they say they can't stay single. It is, in fact, hard to stay single when a) you have done a lot of work on yourself and have a stable life and a ton of confidence; and b) when you have done no work on yourself and keep dating every person you see.
The latter of which leads to the poor relationships. My friend with all the under-accomplished boyfriends? She's option B. Don't delude yourself into thinking that you're option A—you don't get to be option A because you decide you're option A. Look at your life. Look at your choices. And you should probably spend at least a few of your adult years 100% single. I'm not a time wizard, but I'd say try at least two, preferably three to four.
If you have never done that, you are also option B. You don't hop from relationship to relationship because you "just can't seem to stay single." You hop from relationship to relationship because you don't know how to be single. You keep looking for love because you don't want to face the reality that is being alone. It scares you, and understandably so.
If you wind up in a relationship a few weeks after dumping someone, you're probably fishing for it. You aren't being picky enough. You're not trying to be single. You're not doing any of that good old soul-searching. You're jumping into talks with the next person who shows up.
It's a pattern—a pattern that needs to be broken stat. I get it—you might be so great that people just want to date you all the time, but that isn't an excuse. You don't have to date every single person who wants to date you. You shouldn't need that kind of validation. We think if someone shows interest in us, we should say yes and we should be so grateful to have secured that attention. Learn how to say no and wait for something that is truly worth your time.
I know I can't set precedents for life, but if I could cast a magic spell with my crystals and candles, I would make it so every person had to stay single for three months after a breakup. I'd make it a rule of life.
Adapted from All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life by Gigi Engle. Copyright © 2020 by the author and reprinted by permission of St. Martin's Publishing Group.
Gigi Engle is a sexologist, certified sex coach, and feminist author. As a sexpert for Womanizer and brand ambassador with Lifestyle Condoms, she promotes and teaches about pleasure-based sex education, masturbation, and safer sex practices. She also serves as a Pleasure Professional with O.school, where she teaches a number of classes centered around pleasure, sexual health, and confidence.
Engle's work has appeared in many publications, including SELF, Elle, Glamour, Women's Health, Refinery29, and many others, and her articles have been shared over 50 million times, with her top posts reaching over 150 million shares. She also writes a popular advice column called Ask Gigi, and her first book, All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life, debuts in January 2020. She has a degree in both English and journalism from Fordham University College at Lincoln Center.
Engle is an original member of The Women of Sex Tech and a certified member the World Association of Sex Coaches.