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Is It Intuition — Or Insecurity? Understanding Your Relationship Anxieties

June 1, 2019

Have you ever been confused about whether you are hearing hidden wisdom from deep within yourself or it's just your insecurities talking? How do you know whether you're making rational observations—your gut or your higher self warning you that something's not right here—or you're just being swept up by your own underlying anxieties?

I've been working with clients on their personal and relationship struggles for decades, and I've found many people are constantly confused about the difference between insecurity and intuition. Let's unpack these two different inner voices and discuss how to distinguish between them.

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Insecurity comes from the false beliefs that have been programmed into us—into our lower brain, the amygdala—as we were growing up. The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped organ at the base of the brain that contains our fight, flight, or freeze system, which is instinctual. It's also where programmed false beliefs are stored, and it's these false beliefs that cause fear and insecurities. Insecurity comes from the conclusions we drew about ourselves, others, God, and about what we think we can control.

When you hear yourself say things to yourself such as, "I'm not good enough for my partner, so they're going to find someone better than me," or "They're having an affair because I'm not good enough for them," this is coming from your programmed, ego-wounded self making things up, as if it knows truth. But this aspect of us has no access to truth. We access truth when we are operating from our higher brain—our prefrontal cortex, which is the calmer and more rational part. When operating from this brain region, we are open to learning with our higher mind. Our ego-programmed brain, on the other hand, thinks it knows everything already, and so it doesn't seek truth. Often this leads to us responding based on internalized lies, and it is these lies that create insecurity.

We know that a particular thought pattern or emotional experience is coming from our wounded ego by how we feel inside. Fear and insecurity within is the way our inner self—our inner child—is letting us know that we are telling ourselves a lie.


Intuition comes from a place of truth within, and it doesn't cause feelings of fear and self-loathing. Unlike with insecurity, these thoughts come from a place of self-love.

If you have an intuition that your partner is pulling away or is having an affair, for example, this is important to pay attention to. Your intuition is letting you in on important information about what might be going on with your partner and what might be going on between you. Intuition allows you to operate from truth, so rather than attacking your partner from fear, you can approach your partner with an open heart and a desire to learn—which is what creates a safe space for your partner to come clean.

Many of us were taught as we were growing up not to trust our feelings—our intuition. It was much easier for parents, teachers, and religious leaders to control us if we trusted them instead of ourselves. My controlling mother, for example, taught me from a very young age not to trust what I know. If I told her I wasn't cold, she told me I was and that I had to put on a sweater. If I didn't like an uncle because his energy was icky and seductive, she told me I didn't know anything and to kiss him anyway, teaching me to distrust what I felt and experienced. Even when I behaved responsibly, she yelled at me for being irresponsible.

It took me many years of inner work to regain trust in myself. Now I know there is a place in all of us that is tuned into truth and that we can be guided by that truth when we listen to it.

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How to know when to trust your instincts.

The way you can discern the difference between intuition and insecurity is to trust your feelings. If what you're feeling is some combination of fear and self-judgment, those feelings let you know that your wounded ego is making things up. Intuition, on the other hand, leads you to take important loving action on your own behalf. Insecurity is rooted in your lack of worth, whereas intuition is a vigilant defender of your worth.

The more you listen to your inner voice of truth, while not listening to the voice of lies, the more you know that you can trust your inner knowing.

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