An Expert Explains How To Know If It's A Rebound Or Real Love
The term "rebound" carries quite a negative stigma in our cultural lexicon, and people tend to throw it around anytime someone enters a new relationship within weeks after their last. We understand it to mean that the newly single person is smoothing over the pain of a breakup by immersing themselves in the romance of a new, exciting relationship.
In the aftermath of a breakup, I often recommend time should be spent turning inward, reflecting, and spending time alone so you can process your grief. This can help lay a healthy foundation on which to begin your next relationship. But that's not always the case, and sometimes you find yourself in a loving, healthy relationship just weeks after a breakup. Yes, you could be experiencing real love.
How do you spot the difference?
Here are some guidelines to help you determine whether it's a rebound or real love:
There are a few signs that act as a major tell for your true feelings.
Signs it's a rebound:
- You have a sense (or even a pervasive knowing) that you don't really like the person, but you're just using him or her to fill the time or distract from your pain.
- Your primary attraction to the new person is sexual, and you sense that you're using sex as a way to avoid dealing with your breakup.
- When you're honest with yourself, you know that your draw to the new person is coming from a fear of being alone more than a genuine attraction to the person's essence.
- You find yourself going hot and cold with the new partner, vacillating between wanting to spend time together and wanting to run away as quickly as possible. Your fear of commitment could be an indication that you haven't grieved and processed your ex sufficiently.
Signs it's real love:
- You may have some doubt or uncertainty, but deep inside you sense that this could be someone with whom you could build a life.
- There's a strong core connection and an undeniable overlap of core values.
- You have some fear of getting close, but your desire to be close overpowers the fear.
- You're willing to be honest and vulnerable about your inner world, particularly your last relationship.
The bottom line:
When you find a connection shortly after a breakup, you might question if it's a rebound or if there's a foundation to build on. Often you just need to be honest with yourself and your intentions. If you look inward, you'll be able to suss out your actual feelings.
Sheryl Paul, M.A., has guided thousands of people worldwide through her private practice, her best-selling books, her e-courses, and her website. She has her master's in Psychology Counseling from the Pacifica Graduate Institute, and is the author of The Wisdom of Anxiety: How Worry and Intrusive Thoughts Are Gifts to Help You Heal . She has appeared several times on The Oprah Winfrey Show as well as on Good Morning America and other top media shows and publications around the globe. To sign up for her free 78-page ebook, Conscious Transitions: The 7 Most Common (and Traumatic) Life Changes, visit her website. If you’re suffering from relationship anxiety—whether single, dating, engaged, or married—sign up for her free sampler.
To receive a thorough relationship road map, check out her mbg video course, How to Have the Greatest Relationship of Your Life. And if you’re struggling with sexual desire and body image, consider her course Sacred Sexuality: A 40-Day Course for Women to Heal Body Shame and Ignite Desire.