How To Deal With Fiery, Passionate Relationships
No one on the planet lights my soul on fire the way my man does. It's a fiery relationship — for better and for worse.
I get so activated in his presence. I light up. Quite literally, I buzz.
A fire roars deeply and passionately in my heart for him.
And sometimes that fire takes over, like a burning rage inside of me. Out of nowhere, feelings such as jealousy, anger, frustration, and fear emerge. In a flip of a switch, I'm off and running like a volcano! It's overpowering and completely out of my control.
Yes, my man absolutely drives me wild. It's hot. And it burns.
If you can relate to what I'm talking about and you want to know how to deal with this kind of fiery relationship — how to enjoy the burning embers without becoming engulfed in flames — then this article is for you.
Everything that arises in relationship with our lovers, all the passion, the love, the anger, the lust, the fear, the desire, the rage, are all part of the fire-package. It comes together…as a package.
This is important for you to know. You don't get the burning passion without the burning rage. You don't get the depth of heart without the depth of pain.
And personally, I wouldn't have it any other way.
You see, if it wasn't for all the the good and the bad, the beautiful and the difficult, the wide range of strong emotional experiences, we wouldn't grow. And growth is what we are here to do (so it'd be a shame if we missed out on that experience).
We're programed to evolve physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The people we are most attracted to, the ones who push us to our edges, are the catalysts for that growth. Without them, we'd remain stagnant. For me, that just isn't an option.
It's not really an option for you, either.
Because the universe wants us to expand along with it. We don't really get a choice in the matter. So if you're down for growth, how do you find this type of passionate relationship?
You don't. It finds you.
If you can trust the attraction you naturally feel for certain, specific people (and it is very specific; you don't feel this drawn to everybody), then you will be clued in to the person you'll grow with. The level of attraction you feel indicates the level of growth you can experience. It's a simple equation. Just listen to your heart's desire.
Let me break this down for you. Would you grow if you were just hanging out on the couch, experiencing everything as fine and dandy all the time? Not a chance.
If you're not pushed in either direction — if you're indifferent — then expansion isn't occurring. It may feel pleasant. It may feel peaceful. But it's not inducing growth.
I'm not saying it should never be easy. Relationships are dynamic and can include many ways of spending time together. But growth isn't easy.
Real growth comes from a place deep within us. It is a transmutation, whether it's from rage into peace, from obsessive-controlling to acceptance, from fear into security.
These intense feelings must be activated first before they can be changed. For us to really change, we must get activated. We can't avoid it. Luckily, if we listen to the heart and follows its desires, we'll be led to our soul mates. And they'll lead us to growth.
So the next question is once we're in these relationships, how do we deal with the emotionality of it all? One way: We set the intention to transform feelings of fear into feelings of love. Sounds easy, right? It's not.
When rage, fright, anger, and disappointment arise, it means we've fallen into a position of fear. Quite simply, we're scared of losing love. The only thing we can do when this happens is to try, with all we can muster, to return to a sense of love within ourselves.
The person you want so badly has the ability to knock you off your center. Not because they are malicious, but because you care! It's easy to get consumed by them, which leads you to lose contact with yourself.
This is the ultimate test. Can you continue to come back to your sense of self, even in a relationship with someone you're madly in love with? It's not easy to do. But it's absolutely growth-inducing.
Don't run away from someone because they make you crazy inside; show up to the challenge and change.
Do you need to feel a greater sense of inner security? Then pursue it.
Do you need to learn the process of forgiveness? Then make it happen.
Do you need to know, on every level, in every way, that you are love? Then contact your source within and don't let go.
You can do it. You can change. You can grow into the truth of who you are.
When you realize that your partner is not the bane of your existence, but is the means by which you can transform, a new sense of gratitude will emerge.
Make sure you let them in on your appreciation. Next time you get a chance, tell your person (the one who pushes you to your limits and beyond), "Thank you, my love, for making me feel alive."
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to relationships. She has worked with thousands of clients on improving their relationships with others and themselves, and she's also the instructor of the popular mindbodygreen courses How To Become The Most Attractive Version Of Yourself and How To Attract A Partner.