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Gentle Parenting Doesn’t Mean No Boundaries. Here’s What It Does Mean
Back to school brings many new experiences, new classmates, new teachers, new learning experiences, and therefore many big emotions. One misinterpretation of the “gentle parenting” movement is that empathy for our children’s experience should also mean giving them permission not to comply with household agreements and values. Compassion for our children does not replace the need for boundaries and limit-setting, even when that leads to bigger, louder, messier emotions.
If we avoid setting boundaries with our children so they won’t feel anger or dislike us, we give children way too much power in the relationship, more than a young person can handle. Stating and owning limits can help children feel safe because they can predict the boundaries of what is allowed and what is not.
In psychology, there is a concept of “natural consequences,” meaning that there is a direct consequence not applied by the parent—like a child doesn’t wear snow boots, and therefore gets cold feet. Then there are logical consequences, which are imposed “if you hit your sister, I am removing you from the room.” When I communicate with my children, I want them to know that they can feel how they feel, but that doesn’t mean that they can do whatever they want to do or the household agreements don’t apply to them. It is important for me to support them in learning the rules of the road, so as to prepare them for being good community members, respecting their own limits and the limits of others.
Here are 5 questions to consider to support you in feeling more empowered and clear on where you stand and how to communicate this to your children.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a definitive and clear delineation of what is allowed and how we will respond to behavior that is not allowed. A boundary is not about what your child should do; it is about what you will do/will allow.
For example, “I won’t allow you to hit your sibling.” Many parents forget to use the “I” voice, rooted in their own authority, and instead focus too much on appraising their children’s behavior, sounding like “you’re not listening, you’re not supposed to, you shouldn’t do that, etc.”
What is a limit?
Limits define what is permitted in a situation. These are essential for children because they do not yet have the capacity to regulate. This is focused on their behavior, not yours. “You cannot scream in the restaurant.” Oftentimes, boundary language follows limit language. For example, “You cannot scream in the restaurant; if you do, I will walk out of the restaurant with you, and we will not continue our evening with friends.”
Have you made the household agreements clear?
Household agreements are a spoken code of conduct that all members of the family comply with. Consider whether there are stated and known limits and whether everyone is on the same page. For example, after we play a game, we always clean up. After dinner, we clear our plates. When we are angry, we can punch a pillow, but we cannot hurt someone else or ourselves. When we hurt someone, we take responsibility for that with an eventual apology.
These agreements can be developed with children as a family activity, written up, and printed somewhere in the home, and can be helpful to frame as a strengths-based activity that focuses on what we all will do versus shouldn’t do. It is also essential that we, as caregivers, follow the agreements too. If we state we can’t harm bodies and then grab toys roughly from our kids, we are sending mixed messages.
Have you stated boundaries and stuck to them?
It can be easy to make empty threats, like “if you keep doing that, you won’t be able to watch television.” You may still allow television regardless, because you need the break later in the day. Because this threat is often coming from a place of powerlessness, it can work against the goal by forcing compliance rather than creating a household culture of cooperation.
Consider what your plans of action are around behaviors that you will not tolerate before you’re exacerbated and ask yourself what support you need to develop the resolve to hold true to your word. Oftentimes, behaviors like children screaming, saying “I hate you,” or begging can become so overwhelming that we transgress against our own boundaries to make the negative behavior stop. However, we can build our “windows of tolerance” to be with their negative emotions without letting them control us.
Do you communicate limits and boundaries in a steady tone?
Our children are paying attention not only to what we say, but how we say it. The steadier we are, the more they trust us (over time). It can be helpful to breathe through the tough moments when they come, but also to anticipate them and plan for them. For example, with children going back to school, it might be helpful to play out how they might act at the end of the day.
Sometimes children behave all day, and then let their negative emotions out at night with their parents, where they feel safe. This is called “restraint collapse.” Consider how you can create an environment that allows space for more emotions—canceling premade plans that demand too much from them, bringing snacks, or ending the school day with some play or movement—while also maintaining the expectations around household agreements.
The takeaway
Limits and boundaries are essential to making all household memories feel safe and connected. When the spokes of a wheel are too loose, the wheel doesn’t turn. The same goes for boundaries, the tighter and clearer they are, the more flow exists in the relationship. All emotions are allowed, but all behaviors are not.