Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world, and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this post, Psalm brings her expertise to the issue of sexual motivation commonly faced by people in relationships. For more of Psalm’s insights on the tantric approach to sex and relationships, explore her class, Tantra 101: Awaken Your Sexuality & Deepen Your Mind-Body-Soul Connection.
Question: I always love having sex when I have it, but it's hard for me to motivate myself and get in the mood. Often, other things (watching Netflix, sleeping!) get in the way, even though I know it will feel better later. What should I do?
It's kind of like working out—we know it's good for us, and we feel great after doing it, but getting started can be tricky when we're living busy lives. The simple answer is: You must make time for sex. Period. You need to make your relationship a priority if it's going to last. And sex is an important part of any romantic relationship.
In tantra, having sex is like praying. It builds your chi—or energy. So, even if you feel tired, the simple act of having sex will charge your battery and give you more energy for everything else you do.
It might sound awkward to plan for sex, but putting a sex date in your calendar can really help. If you're like me, once I put something on my to-do list, I make sure it gets done. Check your schedule with your partner and pick a day that is not too stressful, like a lazy Sunday, instead of, say, right after work on a weekday.
By planning ahead, you have a whole week leading up to your sexy date to flirt, send naughty photos to each other, and talk about what you can't wait to do to each other. This builds anticipation. Several days of naughty flirting is sure to get you in the mood.
Another tantric tradition that can help is to create a sex ritual. You can start with a personal ritual just for yourself—every morning, for example, practice some tantric breathing techniques. I recommend the Arousal Breath for this practice, which will help to awaken your sexual energy.
How to practice the Arousal Breath:
Inhale and exhale rapidly as if you're hyperventilating—breathing only through your nose. Pump your belly back and forth in rhythm with your inhales and exhales. On the inhale, visualize that you are drawing a string forward from your navel and passing breath at your belly like a balloon. When you exhale, visualize pulling that string to the back of your navel to empty your belly like a deflating a balloon. Do this for just one minute each morning and you'll soon start to feel more alive. It will increase your libido, too.
For bonus points:
Try my Self-Love Striptease as a predate ritual or a daily ritual to start feeling more sensual. Stand in front of your mirror in Standing Goddess pose with your hands on your hips and doing my OYoga hip circles and hip tilts as you caress your body with the featherlike touch of your fingertips. Let your hair down and sway it back and forth on your shoulders, taking in the sensual feel of your hair on your bare skin. Or run your fingers through your hair.
On the day of your big sex date, set a sensual scene that awakens all five of your senses—you can light candles and incense, pour yourself a glass of wine or break off a piece of yummy chocolate, put on your favorite sexy music, and dim the lights.
Stage your bedroom like you're setting a scene for a romantic movie ... or a porn scene, if that's more your thing! You'll want to tidy up the room, make the bed, put on your silkiest sheets, and hide the cat toys, baby blankets, and family photos. Take time to adorn yourself as well. I don't know about you, but when I put on lingerie, I feel sexy, and when I feel sexy I want sex.
Remember, if you go too long without sex, it's almost like you're giving your partner the silent treatment with your body. You just have to do it! You'll be glad you did.