“What’s the most common problem you see in your practice?”
I asked this question of my frequent collaborator, Aimee Hartstein, LCSW. With 20 years of experience counseling singles and couples on relationship issues, she answered without skipping a beat.
“Over and over, I see clients who didn't individuate from their family of origin. Until a person has individuated, it is nearly impossible for them to have a healthy romantic relationship.”
What is individuation? And why is it so important for your love life (and your happiness in general)? Allow me to explain.
1. Individuation is a natural step in your personal evolution.
As we grow from children to adults, we first separate and then individuate from our family of origin. Separation entails moving away, starting a career, and setting up a home. Individuation is the process by which we grow into our own authentic self.
2. Individuation is detached observation of the behaviors and beliefs we learned as children.
As children, we learn habits, beliefs, and behaviors from our family. We “unconsciously” make choices based on familiar patterns. Individuation allows us to take a step back. Do these habits make our lives happier and more productive? Or are they holding us back from our greatest potential? We may need to “shed” certain behaviors or thoughts to live a fulfilling life—one that feels true to who we are as individuals.
3. Individuation allows you to shift from unconscious behavior to conscious choices.
Individuation allows us to break unhealthy cycles passed down through generations (such as depression, abuse, addiction, violence, and codependency).
We can cherry-pick those behaviors that work for us and discard those that don’t. Is your mother hilarious? Keep that trait. Critical and negative? Dump that. Is your father hardworking? Keep it. Is he emotionally detached? Dump that.
As Confucius said, “If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.”
4. Individuation creates boundaries.
As a relationship therapist and dating coach, respectively, Aimee and I have witnessed the devastation that happens when individuals do not individuate from their family of origin.
A man will prioritize his mother’s opinions at the expense of his wife’s feelings. A woman will marry a man to avoid her family’s disapproval over the fact that she’s gay. A man will abandon the love of his life rather than stand up to his family’s prejudice about her religion or ethnicity.
In enmeshed families, it may be impossible to know whether you’re living your own life or simply pleasing everyone around you. Boundaries communicate, “This is what I believe.” Individuation creates a well-established line in the sand.
5. Individuation allows you to build a life that is in line with your own values and dreams—one that may be wildly different from your tribe’s.
To live a life that makes you happy—one that makes your heart sing—you may have to step off the well-ordained path.
“It’s a real tragedy when people forgo the opportunity for real joy to please their family. More often than not, they look back at the end of their life with regret that they didn’t take more risks and speak their truth.”
6. Individuation is a shifting of allegiance. It is not a betrayal but a choice for a healthy future.
Your romantic partner or spouse should be your top priority. With this person, you make all major life decisions.
“Many clients see their parents as their best friends. They want this relationship to continue unimpeded even after they marry. Once you marry (or commit to a serious relationship), your partner should be your best friend. Anything else is a recipe for disaster—and one that will likely put tremendous strain on the marriage,” said Aimee, the relationship therapist.
The shifting of allegiance is not an abandonment of the family of origin. Both relationships can exist harmoniously as long as the family of origin allows for growth and inclusion of new members.
7. Individuation may be painful. But it’s also necessary.
“Separation typically happens in the 20s. Individuation usually happens at midlife,” said Aimee, the relationship therapist. “The more controlling a person’s family, the more painful the process. Families often provide tremendous resistance. But this is not a reason to stop moving ahead. In fact, it may be indicative that the adult child is now on the right path.”
8. Individuation redefines “family” in a bold new way.
Individuation can bring up a host of negative feelings—hurt, anger, sadness, and betrayal. While the initial process can be sad or messy, there's also the potential for a better relationship on the other side. You no longer need to fight to assert your independence. You don’t have a knee-jerk reaction to your family’s opinions. You have the emotional distance to enjoy them as regular people.
Some people choose to leave their family of origin completely. Others create a “new” tribe comprised of friends who share their values. Some remain close to their family of origin while understanding its limitations. Any and all options are good, as long as you feel peaceful and content.
9. Individuation allows you to silence critical voices so that you can step into your full power.
If you have a negative or critical family, you may suffer from low self-esteem. Individuation allows you to look at the situation objectively. Were the critiques deserved? Or were they a by-product of that family member’s own unhappiness, skewed perspective, or mental illness?
Once you individuate, you silence the critics. Their opinions no longer matter. When outside forces are silenced, the inner critic quiets, too. From there, you can step into your power for real productivity and personal fulfillment.
10. Individuation allows you to experience the joy of real love.
Your future matters. Decide to say “yes” to love in whatever way makes you happy.
Best friends—the kind that form the basis of strong partnerships—are not interchangeable. If you’re lucky enough to find love in this life, embrace it boldly and tend to it with full consciousness.