What if I don't know my fantasies? Is it easy to learn how to fantasize? Wait, can I think about someone else or something else when I’m with the person I love? Am I normal if I fantasize about things I never want to act out?
The answer to all of these questions (and more): Yes. Yes. Yes.
Fantasizing can be very simple. All you need to do is create a mental image or movie in your mind. Really, that’s all it is. Yet as a sex coach, I find the topic often brings up more anxiety than pleasure for many people.
One reason for this is that many people tend to make judgments and assumptions about different sex acts based on societal norms. These preconceptions often inhibit us from testing out different scenarios (even if it’s as a fantasy that only exists in our mind).
Sound familiar? If so, break through the taboo and benefit from the perks of sexual fantasy with these five tips.
1. Create a go-to fantasy cheat sheet.
Let's be honest: no one wants to have to rack their brain in the midst of getting it on. We prepare for so many things in life, so why not prepare a little bit for sex?
When you’re out of bed, try making a list of things that spark your sexual arousal. Get creative. It may be a past sexual experience, something or someone you desire, or perhaps a scene that you saw in a movie or read in a book. If you’re overwhelmed with the possibilities, hone in on a past experience, as connecting to what’s in your memory is easier to vividly replay in your mind than creating something new.
2. Know there are no rules* (the exception is in #4).
Fantasies can involve anyone, any scenario and be kept a secret or shared. You can start fantasizing at any time, anywhere (whether you’re out in public, alone at home or involved in a sexual act) and do it when you’re alone or with a partner.
You can think of a fantasy as a kind of snapshot, a mental movie scene that can last any amount of time. Either way, it can be used as fuel to increase the intensity of your experience in an instant or thought of while you simultaneously give or receive pleasure.
3. Enhance what’s happening in real time.
Our senses can boost the dimensions of our sexual experience. If you focus on the sound, taste, sight, scent and/or touch that’s happening in any experience, sexual or not, you'll inevitably feel more connected and in touch with the present moment. So add some sensorial detail to your fantasies! Add imaginative sense to the sexual scenario you create in your head you elevate your pleasure exponentially. This will stage for your fantasy to thrive.
4. Decide what to share and what you want to keep to yourself.
When you know what turns you on, you become much better prepared communicate to your partner during sex. You are in touch with things you want done to you, what you want to do to them, places you want sex to happen — really anything you’re curious about that you want them to know (even if you don’t want to act it out!).
However, it’s an unsaid rule that’s it’s often best not to share if your fantasy involves being with someone else*. For some relationships this can be a turn on, but for others it can make a partner feel rejected, self-conscious or insecure. So make it be about them and see how it impacts your sexual satisfaction. You may be surprised how pairing your fantasy with your partner has an unexpected payoff.
5. Put it all together!
Share the elements of your fantasy you want your partner to know before or during your encounter.
Then when you’re getting it on (either alone or with a partner), you can maximize your experience with fantasy, while still remaining present in what’s happening physically in the moment. Close your eyes at any point (particularly when you want to delve deeper into your pleasure). Then activate your snapshot or mental movie into your mind.
It's OK if it's wild or risqué — maybe you're having a threesome, getting or giving oral sex to a co-worker or having sex in public. Remember, in your imagination, anything is possible even if you would never do it in real life ...
More often than not, when your fantasy is a match for your desire you’ll likely find that your excitement can accelerate from 0 to 60. While everyone is different in terms of how their body responds and the impact it has on their satisfaction, fantasy can be fun and satisfying way to supercharge your sex life.