Why You're Not Getting The Love You Think You Deserve

mbg Contributor By Raquel Vasallo
mbg Contributor
Raquel Vasallo is an international speaker, spiritual advisor, and author of Spiritual Seductress: The High-Powered Women’s Guide to Devour the World Through Spiritual Guidance.

Whether you're looking for a relationship where you feel deeply loved or you're craving more romance and intimacy in your current relationship, you might want to reconsider where you're putting your attention. If you're focusing your thoughts and energy on what you don’t have, your relationship will feel deficient. If, however, you shift your perspective to loving, it will quickly grow.

Sometimes people choose not to love because they've been hurt, they hold on to resentment, or they say we're too busy or too tired. All of a sudden these people find themselves wondering why they're not getting love in the way that they want, the way they like it or the way they think they deserve to be loved.

There are three reasons that make people feel like they're not getting the love they deserve:

1. You're waiting for someone to “complete you.”

For 11 years I was in a relationship that made me feel like I was complete because of the the other person. I looked for approval in my partner, I looked for acknowledgement, appreciation and compliments from him. If I didn’t get them, I felt incomplete or unloved.

I yearned to be part of something else, and the relationship provided that “wholeness” for me. Years later I realized that the wholeness was actually empty, because I was looking for it outside of myself instead of within me. I realized I was in a codependent relationship. You can only be in an empowering co-creative partnership when each person is already whole unto themselves, and the only way to get there is through self-love.

2. You're not truly and deeply loving and accepting of yourself.

Do you love your body, or are you waiting to love your body when you lose those five pounds?

Do you accept and love the wonderful person you are, or do you criticize yourself for not being “perfect?”

Most of us have a version of not fully loving and embracing every part of ourselves, we believe we could be better, or we could look better. A great way to know if you truly love yourself is by looking at your life and asking these questions:

  • Are you saying yes to yourself, or are you saying yes to your boss, your husband, or your kids, leaving you with no energy?
  • Are you treating yourself to “you time” with a pedicure, a massage, a girls night out, or are work and family always your priorities?
  • Are you saying yes to that incredible weekend retreat, or are you feeling guilty about spending the money or leaving your family for two days?

When you show the universe that you're worthy and that you deserve “you time,” then you know you're loving yourself.

To the extent you deeply love and care for yourself, you will be loved.

3. You're withholding your love from others.

Even the most loving person will withhold love at some point due to the fear of harmful feelings and emotions. However, you'll notice that the moment you feel like you're not getting the love you want, you're probably not putting that love out there, either.

What you withhold from others, you withhold from yourself.

With those three causes in mind, here are a few action steps to be in the presence of deep love:

  • Have a weekly date with yourself, even if it's only a quiet cup of tea with no interruptions, then build it up to a spa day or whatever makes your heart sing.
  • Book that retreat — yes, you deserve it! Your family will be so thankful when you come back renewed, relaxed and cheerful.
  • Shift your focus from wanting to receive to igniting your love, passion and intimacy.
  • Remember that you're born as pure love. Have a practice of returning to your essence through meditation, walking in nature or any creative endeavor.

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