How To Actually Help A Friend Through A Breakup, From Relationship Experts

The only thing that might be as painful as getting thrashed around by the reality-warping roller coaster of a breakup is watching someone else go through it. From the dark holes of sleepless nights to crying fits on the bathroom floor to feeling numb in a giant void, a breakup can be a vulnerable and confusing time for everyone involved.

Many of the best breakup guides tell the brokenhearted to lean on their friends. But what if you're the friend they tap on, and you have no clue where to start? As a friend, you may feel a heart tug to help but you don't know how. You may feel compelled to share comforting words but hesitate because you don't want to say the wrong thing. You may want to check in on your friend but don't want to overstep.

Breakups are where friends are needed. Friendships are often based on being together through the highs and lows of life, and romantic breakups can be some of the lowest kinds of lows. One study published in the 1Journal of Family Psychology1 found experiencing a breakup is associated with a decline in life satisfaction and an increase in psychological distress, while other research2 has found it can even increase the risk of developing a depressive episode. (Here's how to help a friend dealing with depression, by the way.)

As such, the role of friends during a breakup can't be understated. "Being a source of support and creating a support system for a friend who has been through a breakup is vital," licensed psychotherapist Sola Togun-Butler, Ph.D., LCSW, tells mbg. "People are better able to cope with transitions both planned and unplanned when they have a strong support system."

Togun-Butler describes a support system as a group of people (like family, friends, and colleagues) who provide emotional support in a time of crisis. This support can even protect against both physical and mental illness3, she adds, as well as help the heartbroken person develop more effective coping mechanisms. 

Even if you've been through a breakup before, everyone likes to be cared for in different ways. You may think you know what your friend wants during this vulnerable time, but you might be wrong. The only way to be sure is to ask your friend directly what they want or need.

"We love our friends and think we know them best, but I would refrain from offering advice if your friend isn't looking for it," sex and love educator Jayda Shuavarnnasri tells mbg. "And if you're not sure, just ask them! Some things you can ask: 'Do you want me to be petty? Do you want me to hype you up? Do you need to vent to me right now?'" 

If your friend was in a bad relationship or had a bad breakup, you might feel compelled to immediately trash talk the ex once it's all over. But talking down or badly about the ex isn't helpful in the long term. As the saying goes, "Where your mind goes, your energy flows." Keeping thoughts and words in a low energetic state of bashing your friend's ex will keep everyone's thoughts in a circular pattern of negativity.

Again, we all heal differently.

"Try not to pass judgment on how a person chooses to heal," Shuavarnnasri says. They add, "If your friend engages in behaviors that are destructive, be the compassionate friend who can lovingly support them to behave in ways that are more aligned to their values."

Shuavarnnasri says practicing nonviolent communication skills can help in these situations. Nonviolent communication is "when we use empathy and compassion within our language," they explain. This can sound like, "I know all of this is really hard, and I know you're trying your best. I'm also noticing some behaviors that might be hindering your healing process. Are you open to hearing my suggestions?"

"It is important not to rush the grieving process by telling a friend to quickly 'get over it' because we want to fix the situation and get them back to their old selves," Togun-Butler advises. "Everyone grieves differently, and there is no timetable for grief. Grieving the breakup of a relationship can take anywhere from six months to two years."

"It is important to create a safe space for a friend to express their feelings after a breakup. A safe space is a communication environment that is kind, empathetic, and nonjudgmental, where the friend feels safe to talk about how they are feeling without the fear of judgment or invalidation," says Togun-Butler.

If you're talking about the breakup over text, prioritize letting your friend know they are being seen and heard.

"When it comes to supporting someone through text, I would lean toward words of affirmation and continuing to remind the person that the pain they're feeling is totally normal," Shuavarnnasri shares. "Text is limiting for true reflection conversations, so when I know a friend is having a rough moment, I'm usually a sounding board, validating their feelings and making sure they don't feel alone."  

Related to following their lead, Togun-Butler says to make sure you respect your friend's boundaries. They may not be ready to talk or see anyone. If they clearly communicate that they don't want to be bothered just yet, respect their requests. "Do not violate the boundaries set up by your friend as they grieve the loss. Emotional boundaries are necessary to ensure emotional health," she says.

"When I work with folks who are going through a breakup, I remind them that the endings of a relationship (even if you decide to remain connected in some capacity) are a grieving process. We are losing a relationship and connection to a person who played a significant role in our lives," Shuavarnnasri offers. 

That said, the grieving process is not linear, Shuavarnnasri reminds, and people may move back and forth between these stages throughout their healing. 

"A big part of getting through a breakup involves doing things that remind you of who you are as an individual, without that person in your life," Shuavarnnasri says.

It might sound counterintuitive, but as a friend, you can help the brokenhearted with some self-care. Shuavarnnasri suggests, "Every person is going to handle the initial days and weeks after a break up differently. Some of the most helpful things we can do are connect with friends who feel safe and find ways to self-soothe. Self-soothing can range from bingeing a Korean drama on Netflix, staying cozy in our favorite sweater, cooking or going to eat our favorite meal, or maybe going for a walk."

Emotional processing, especially after a breakup, is a lot of work. You can be the friend who brings some lightheartedness to the season of healing. "Encourage them to engage in activities with you that they enjoy such as exercising, going for a walk, going out for lunch, or a long drive," Togun-Butler says.

Togun-Butler notes that getting over a breakup can take anywhere from a few months to a few years. That said, if you're concerned about your friend's emotional state, consider recommending that they get some professional support.