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What Is Sensual Massage? Why Slow Sex Might Be The Boost Your Sex Life Needs
In one of Aesop's Fables, an arrogant, fast-moving hare loses a race to an unrushed tortoise, who moved slowly and steadily to the finish line while the hare took a nap—assuming that he had the race in the bag. "Slow and steady wins the race," said the tortoise.
Now, sex is absolutely not a race (and there's a time and a place for quickies), but using more slow and steady sensual practices, such as massage, instead of racing to orgasm, could lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences, especially for people with vaginas.
What is sensual massage?
Sensual massage is a practice that combines massage and sensuality, according to clinical sexologist and sex therapist Cyndi Darnell, MHS, who teaches about sensual massage in her online course, The Atlas of Erotic Anatomy & Arousal. Different from the kind of massage you'd receive for a sports injury, for example, one of the purposes of sensual massage is to produce arousal.
It's similar to foreplay, Darnell says, except that the ultimate goal of sensual massage isn't to warm up for intercourse or orgasm. It's pleasure for pleasure's sake.
"We've been tricked into thinking that sex is intercourse or rubbing your genitals together, and I'm not saying that is not what sex is, but that's only one kind of sex," Darnell says.
Sex can sometimes follow patriarchal norms, centering more to penis pleasure than vaginal pleasure. Sensual massage often "makes sex better," especially for people with vaginas, because it can take vaginas more time to arouse during sex, she says.
"Things like sensual massage are considered superfluous or extra as opposed to being an essential part of quality sex," Darnell says, adding, "The whole point of sensual massage is to enhance the quality of the physical connection between you."
Sensual massage, though often arousing for both partners, should focus on the pleasure of the receiver, Darnell says.
How to give a sensual massage
1. Move your hands all over—don't just stay in one place
Think of sensual massage as waking up a body. You can move your hands all over your partner—their arms, legs, belly, genitals, etc.—in long strokes to stimulate blood flow throughout their whole body, according to Darnell.
2. Go slowly because there's no rush
Slow sex makes some people feel nervous, especially if they're worried about feeling seen, but Darnell advises to take sensual massage slowly. By taking your time and allowing your partner to ease into feeling the massage, it will likely be more pleasurable and relaxing.
3. Try using an oil or lubricant
Oil or lubricant can improve the massage by reducing friction and keeping the body soft and slippery. It's also a good idea to keep a towel or napkins on hand to remove excess lubricant, as too much lube can desensitize vaginas, Darnell says.
4. Pay attention to all the senses when setting the scene
To create a more enjoyable sexual experience, pay special attention when setting the scene. Think about how your partner's senses will react to the room's temperature, scent, and lighting. Try lighting a scented candle or turning on a lamp instead of using overhead lighting. All of these details can help relax your partner as they ease into the sensual massage.
5. Seek feedback
Throughout the massage, ask about what feels good—from the amount of pressure you're using to the pace you're taking—and don't take offense to feedback.
Listening to your partner share what they actually want, instead of what you think they want, is a "powerful skill," she says.
"Learning how to communicate in the moment is really crucial," Darnell says. "If your partner is doing something and it doesn't feel great, we can get very caught up in not wanting to upset the other person, so we say nothing. We tolerate and endure touch that is not painful, necessarily, but not as good as it could be. So the question we ask ourselves in the moment is, 'What could make this better for me?'"
6. Avoid doing two massages at once
Darnell advises against trying to simultaneously give and receive a sensual massage, even if it's tempting.
"It's too much for your body," Darnell says. "It's too much information to process."
Sensual massage vs. tantric massage
Sensual massage has a lot of overlap with tantric massage, a style of bodywork that incorporates spirituality, breathwork, meditation, and mindfulness.
"It's about wholeheartedly celebrating the sacredness of our bodies and desires while bringing a quality of mindful awareness to the shared expression of pleasure," Leslie Grace, R.N., a certified tantra educator and registered nurse, previously told mbg.
The tantric umbrella includes several specific types of massage, each of which brings pleasure to different parts of the body:
1. Yoni massage, which revolves around the vulva
2. Lingam massage, which focuses on the penis and prostate (referred to in tantric massage as the sacred spot)
Tantric massage also encourages "edging," or delaying orgasm, to prolong sexual pleasure.
The takeaway
Sensual massage encourages slower, more intentional sex—without the pressure to orgasm. For people looking to spice up their sex lives, sensual massage can be a way for partners to reconnect physically and focus on what feels good for each of their bodies.
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