6 Conversations Every Couple Needs To Have, From A Marriage Therapist

It's often the things that are left unsaid that cause the most problems in our relationships: the expectations that we didn't communicate (which usually lead to disappointment and deep-rooted resentment). The times that we were actually hurt and said it was "fine" (resulting in disconnection and emotional distancing through the years). The lack of shared vision and values (transforming into passive-aggressive or just plain ol' aggressive interactions). 

And while no relationship is perfect, and there will always be ebbs, flows, and things to work through, there are certain conversations that will create more ease and lead to healthier and more satisfying bonds. We just have to be brave and willing to sit through the initial discomfort of bringing them to the table.

While it's not necessary to apply labels to the relationship, it is helpful to know if you're on the same page. Are you dating casually, exclusively, or looking to keep things open, ethically non-monogamous? Essentially, it's addressing the type of commitment you are seeking. While it's often difficult to determine in the early stages as you're getting to know one another, as things develop, you get a better sense of the type of relationship you want with this person. 

Stop expecting others to read your mind or just "know" what you're thinking or feeling. Set the relationship up for success by having open and ongoing conversations about individual and relational needs. If you find that some of the needs are at odds with each other, for example differences in terms of need for emotional closeness and intimacy, discuss. Where can you both be flexible, and what needs to be a hard NO?

Finances make most people uncomfortable, which is why we often tiptoe around the subject. You will have to rip the Band-Aid off on this one and get on the same page, as a lack of clear communication around money can bring about many issues for couples.

We all have a narrative when it comes to the life we envisioned for ourselves. It usually has a look, a feel, a taste to it. For some, it's the white picket fence: a large and cozy home, a traditional marriage, the standard 2.5 kids, and a peaceful, suburban lifestyle. Others would never be caught dead in a minivan, and marriage and kids just aren't in the cards.

It's not a matter of how often you're having sex but rather the type of sex you want to be having. It's more about how you like to be touched, what turns you on, and the things you're curious about or looking to explore. At the core, how can you create connection through physical intimacy?

Fear is often the main reason we don't engage in many of these conversations. We fear that if we bring things up, there's a possibility that the differing viewpoints will create division and lead to the end of the relationship.

The reality is the real end begins the moment we start avoiding and sweeping these hard conversations under the rug. We need to acknowledge the importance of these instead of hiding from them. 

We need to stop thinking of the "perfect time" to have the conversation. Let's be honest: There won't be. We just need to make sure that we have the best conditions for the message to be well received. This means that bringing it up at the last minute, without allowing for proper time to discuss, or right before bed when everyone is exhausted or when the other person is emotionally overwhelmed won't be the best time.

Again, it doesn't need to be perfect—just good enough.

Remember that what matters is the process, not the end outcome. The boldness to stand up and create the type of relationship you want.

We often hear the phrase "Relationships take work," but I think that this idea of "work" often leaves a bad taste in the mouth. I like this one better: "Good relationships require intentionality; they don't just happen." Having hard and uncomfortable conversations is part of this intentionality.