I'm A Couples' Therapist & This Habit Tells Me A Couple May Be Headed For Divorce

I've been a couples' therapist for over a decade, and there is one thing I ask in every first session no matter what: "How did you meet?"

You might think the reason I ask that question is obvious. Why wouldn't you ask that? It's cute to hear how people met.

In fact, some research1 has found how people describe their past as a couple is correlated to their likelihood of staying together. People who recount their early years as a negative experience are more likely to divorce than couples who describe the early years as positive.

That doesn't mean divorce is inevitable, of course: As their therapist, understanding how a couple sees their past helps me to understand what type of intervention they need in the present. If a couple is having conflict, but they still smile when describing their early years, it's likely they just need help learning some new skills for communicating. The relationship hasn't "fallen apart" too much.

Almost nothing in life is an absolute, and by thinking this way, you are imagining that it is. The more you think in absolutes, the harder it will be to see your partner in a new light. Also, when we speak in absolutes, we elicit defensiveness. By saying something like "You never are romantic," you are setting yourself up for a response like "Are you kidding? Last month I set up that entire date for us, and you didn't even care. I can't ever win."

We also know that people tend to meet our expectations for them. When we tell someone we already think they're failing, they are likely to stop trying. Whereas, when we point out where we felt they met the mark, they feel motivated to meet it again.

Describing your early years as a bummer means that there is some level of marital disappointment in the relationship. When people can't even muster a cute story about the first time they met, it might signal they've given up on their marriage. It can indicate that they feel defeated and depressed about the outcome and that they've forgotten the possibility that it was ever exciting, loving, and good.

Couples who struggle with marital disappointment and negativity in their relationship are more likely to live in what clinical psychologist and emotions researcher Paul Ekman, Ph.D., calls a flooded state. A flooded state means that our bodies are stimulated in many ways—physically and emotionally—and because of this, we struggle to address conflict productively. You'll notice you're flooded if your heart is racing, it's hard to access your thoughts during conflict, and you feel jittery or completely shut down.

The way you think about your relationship matters. Make sure that you are paying attention to where your thoughts go. While it is important to maintain a realistic understanding of our relationship—which does include having complaints and negative thoughts—we also need to make sure we are making room for the good things, noticing what we appreciate, love, and where our partner is doing things "right."

Chronic negativity toward our spouse, disappointment, and flooding can lead our relationship to unhappiness and, if married, divorce.